Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/30/08 - Morning Edition

Everything went down in value today as the stock market went down 777 points.
That Ukrainian freighter hijacked by Somali pirates was said to have 30 million dollars worth of arms and ammunition and the pirates wanted a 20 million dollar ransom.
Today the pirates said they’d settle for a signed photo of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.

In Israel, disgraced former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said Israel should pull
out of the West Bank. With the global economy failing, pulling out of any bank
makes perfect sense.

To put the 777 point loss in the stock market yesterday –
- Randy Moss, the wide receiver for the Patriots, has scored 762 points. That’s taken him 11 years.
- Tris Speaker, baseball Hall of Famer, hit 792 doubles. That took him 22 years.
- Gordie Howe scored 801 goals in ice hockey. That took him 34 years.
So in sports, on average, it takes about 22 years to hit or approach the number 777.
The stock market did it in one day. I worry what the next 22 years will look like here.

777 point drop in the stock market. Interesting that on the web, 777.com is “the home of serious gamblers.” Yeah, we know.

Bill Clinton may be going to Florida to campaign for Obama this week but his heart clearly isn’t in the whole Obama thing. He’ll only be speaking in Miami to nursing home patients with Alzheimer’s and he can’t be blamed if they forget to vote.

That’s at least a bit better than his original Florida schedule which only had him speaking in the Everglades to the all-important undecided-alligator vote.

Those Somali pirates who hijacked the Ukrainian ship filled with arms for Kenya now find themselves cornered on all sides by the US Navy. You hear that? The 21st century technologically advanced futuristic US Navy against Somali pirates in loincloths with swords. The pirates are obviously huge underdogs. Betting site 777.com says take the pirates and the points.

NASA announced yesterday that the space shuttle mission to fix the Hubble space telescope will be moved to 2009 after the election. Makes sense. The last thing Bush wants is anybody else out there seeing how bad things are here on Earth.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/29/08 - Late Night Edition pt. 2 - Predictions

I predict that Thursday's Vice-Presidential debate will not happen because Sarah Palin will not be there. The reasons for her non-appearance -
Bristol's water will break and the concerned mother and grandmother will rush to her side;
a moose will die outside the debate hall and need to be field dressed and butchered for freezing;
she's just too fucking dumb and she believes McCain when he says he'll Google-Map the directions for her and he's never used Google;
to show her support for Israel she's still celebrating Rosh Hashanah (even though the all-important first two nights are over);
she will be back in Alaska watching for the giant head of Vladimir Putin read his head over the Bering Straits;
she will be arrested for attempting to kill Katie Couric... and Tina Fey... and every other woman in America who is smarter than her.

I predict that John McCain will invade both Iran and Pakistan on January 21st, 2009. Whether he is President or not!

I predict that Sarah Palin, in an appeal to the evangelical base, will announce that her daughter Bristol and her baby-daddy Levi Johnston, will name their baby if it is a boy, Matthew Mark Luke and John-ston. And if it is a girl they will name the baby My Mom Made Me Have This Johnston.

I predict that oil billionaire T. Boone Pickens will pull a Montgomery Burns and rather than blot out the sun so we can't go solar will simply buy the wind.

And I predict that Todd Palin will never, ever, ever get another blow job.

Everything Matters - 9/29/08 - Late Night Edition

So Congressman Roy Blunt, a Republican from Missouri said that the economic bailout bill didn’t pass the House today because they had to rush the bill and its details because of the Jewish Holidays. Roy Blunt, Republican Congressman from Missouri, the Show-Me state…show me anti-Semitism!!!

The John McCain automatic speech writer – first you say the terrible thing that Obama did. And then you say “but America needs our help so we should never lower ourselves to talk about this”. Here’s an example: “Some have said that Obama drinks the blood of middle school virgins. But we should never let his dietary habits intrude upon the seriousness of the Presidential election.” It works for everything – “Obama was seen in a Japanese Zero in the skies above Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941. But the events of almost 70 years ago should never enter into the election process.”

Congressman Price from Georgia just said that he’d support a bailout bill if it included a reduction of capital gains taxes. That’s all the republicans want – more financial help for rich, white people. Lower capital gains taxes! Most Americans don’t have capital or gains!!!

ABC news said that with the wall street down almost 800 points today after the bailout failed in Congress, Americans lost 1.1 trillion dollars in the market today. I gotta tell you; if I find 1.1 dollars in the market, I’m fucking keeping it!!!

NASA announced today that it is snowing on Mars. And President Bush said that if the snowstorm on Mars gets any worse, FEMA will be there in about 87 years.

The stock market today finished lower than it was the day Bush was inaugurated.
Remember when he said he was a uniter, not a divider? Actually he’s both; he’s united both parties against him and divided all of us from our money. Actually, he’s not a uniter or a divider… he’s just a dick.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/27-9/28/08 - Late Night Edition

After last night’s performance at the first Presidential debate, John McCain is taking a lot of heat for not ever looking directly at Barack Obama. Give him a break. After years of opposition to regulatory oversight, McCain is not used to looking at anything too closely.

During the debate McCain made a big show of using the word “festooned.” Trying to win the votes of the vast number of undecided archaic word freaks, McCain then accused Obama of “ruthlessly pricking his gonfalon bubble”.

Last night at the debate John McCain never used the words “middle class” or the words “working people”. Not only didn’t he say them, he’s never met them either.

So at the debate last night John McCain didn’t use the words “middle class” or “working people” but he did use the word “festooned”. Great. The Republicans are running a man from the early 20th century using a word from the 19th century to try
to lead us into the 21st century.

At the debate McCain quoted Winston Churchill but didn’t give him credit; he made up a story about Dwight D. Eisenhower; and he mentioned something about Alexander the Great. To put aside any fears that he was out of touch and out of date, at the end of the debate McCain did sing the theme song from The Jeffersons while doing the Mashed Potato.

The first Presidential debate was held last night at the University of Mississippi, commonly called Ole Miss, which is also John McCain’s nickname for his first wife.

Just for the sake of nostalgia, last night at the first Presidential debate, the University of Mississippi had two doors to the stage – one door said Barack Obama and the other said White People.

The University of Mississippi just can’t seem to get its head around the way we live today. The official program for the Presidential debate last night at Ole Miss called it The Presidential Debate and Minstrel Show. And the pre-debate warm-up was Michelle and Barack Obama performing as the Tap-Dancing Ethiops.

Did anyone notice that John McCain’s eyes were so fully dilated last night at the debate that they looked like little black buttons instead of eyes? Eye doctors say this may be a sign of a permanent state of arousal. Great, McCain won’t release his medical records because he doesn’t want us to know he’s got an IV drip of Viagra going 24/7.

Or his eyes really are little black buttons and John McCain is really a snowman.

Terrible news out of China. As of yesterday, 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. And an hour after this report, 53,000 children were again sickened by drinking tainted milk.

The Chinese government is trying to put a good face on the fact that 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. The government announced today that none of the children has gotten sick by drinking milk at a school built before the recent earthquake.

When John McCain was told that Somali pirates had seized a Ukrainian freighter off the coast of Kenya his first reaction was to say, “Let’s see how this plays out. We may need those pirates to defeat the Spanish Armada.”

Let’s see, Somali pirates have seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. No, this is not level 3 of some video game. Somali pirates have really seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. They are, however, demanding 30 million dollars and the codes to get to level 7.

Every article about the Jonas Brothers talks about their vow of chastity until marriage and the fact that they all wear “promise rings” to show this to their fans. What isn’t said is how many millions of young fans are wearing similar rings that symbolize the fact that they promise they will never, ever have sex with any of the Jonas Brothers.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/26/08 - A Little Later Morning Edition

At the big White House meeting to save the economy yesterday, John McCain played bailout spoiler. Besides staying silent for 40 minutes, McCain offered no specifics and refused to say which side he was on in any bailout scenario. One person close to the negotiations said, “Bush is no diplomat but compared to McCain he’s Cardinal freaking Richelieu.” McCain said that he knew Cardinal Richelieu and please don’t drag his good friend Richie into this.

Yesterday Bush said, “If money isn’t loosened, this sucker could go down.” Today, ice princess and White House press secretary Dana Perino slipped when she said that Bush was not referring to the country as the sucker that could go down. No, Perino said, the sucker is the American people. Has been for 8 years.

Considering McCain’s incoherence and total lack of leadership and understanding of the economic crisis, Obama’s people have a new ad up. In it they say that McCain agrees with Bush more than 90 percent of the time and with Herbert Hoover 100 percent of the time.

McCain loves to talk about his time in VietNam. You watch, tonight at the debate he’ll say he was against the economic bailout cause the last time he bailed out he was a P.O.W.for 5 and a half years.

Gtreat. Just what I want in a President – a hot-head who brings up VietNam more than Walter Sobchek, the gun-toting, quick-to-anger character played by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski.

John McCain can be compared directly to the Wall Street meltdown. He’s old,
white, rich, with no idea as to how he got where he is today.

Everything Matters - 9/26/08 - Late Morning Edition

So McCain goes to Washington and sits silently in a meeting with Bush, Obama, and the major players in the bailout scenario. According to all published reports, McCain IS THE REASON there was no deal reached yesterday because he would not reveal what side of the deal he was on. Today McCain said, “Deal, no deal. The minute I see 26 supermodels with suitcases full of money I’ll decide.”

Deal or no deal. Bush says the future of the American economy is at stake here.
Wall Street has collapsed and the middle class is disappearing. And today Bush called
in his secret weapon to stop the bleeding. Tonight in primetime House Republicans, the group that skewed the deal yesterday and remain the last holdouts, will be asked by Howie Mandel, “Deal or no deal?”

The Bush Administration wants to save Wall Street. Barack Obama and the Democratic leadership want to save Main Street. And John McCain and the renegade House Republicans want to save K Street so they can go back to Easy Street.

The renegade House Republicans who blew the bailout deal yesterday are demanding
that capital gains taxes be rescinded for 2 years as part of any deal. Considering that working people have very little capital and certainly no gains, this is clearly a case of putting party before country.

The renegade House Republicans who are insisting on a 2 year moratorium on capital gains taxes before they’ll agree to an economic bailout are clearly putting party before country. With this in mind, I finally figured out why Republicans seemingly always have the edge in the polls when it comes to handling foreign policy. To Republicans, the United States is a foreign country. So everything they do is foreign policy.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Watch this now!!! Sarah Silverman - The Great Schlep!


Everything Matters - 9/25/08 Afternoon Edition

So there’s now footage all over the news of Sarah Palin at her church accepting the blessing of Pastor Thomas Muthee who asks Jesus to fund her political campaigns.
Then he throws in that she be protected from witchcraft. And what the hell, for good measure he kind of casually tosses in that Jews (he calls them “Israelites”) control the economy and that’s what’s causing all the corruption. Nice to know the woman running for VP in the 21st century is living in the 13th.

This all goes to prove that belief in witchcraft is the gateway drug to anti-Semitism.

This Pastor wanted Jesus to fund Palin’s political campaigns. Makes sense.
After Jesus chased the moneylenders from the temple, with the money he
confiscated Jesus started a Political Action Committee.

And if Palin were to raise millions of dollars with no records of who or where it’s
from she and the Republicans can now claim it came from Jesus. What can the Democrats do? Gonna take a lot of guts to swiftboat Jesus!

With Jesus now running the fundraising part of the Palin campaign we won’t be seeing a record of the following donation – Iscariot, Judas, 30 pieces of silver.

Ironically enough, once it became public knowledge that she is then only one of four major candidates protected from witchcraft, Palin announced that she will not be debating Joe Biden but she will be debating Harry Potter.

Last week the rumor that one of the players was using witchcraft at a soccer game in the Congo sparked a riot that killed about 30 people. I’m sure we all laughed and said, “Those funny Congolese, believing in witchcraft.” Now we hear that Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for Vice-President was blessed by a pastor to be protected from witchcraft. What are American women going to say? “She’s got 5 kids, she’s a hockey mom, and she’s protected from witchcraft. She’s just like us.”

It’s amazing. Wall Street is Albert Brooks in Lost In America asking Garry Marshall as the boss of the Desert Inn for his money back. Only now we have Bush and Paulson and Bernanke playing the part of the Vegas casino boss and this time they say they’re going to give the money back.

The Asking for the Money Back from a Vegas Casino Scene from LOST IN AMERICA


David walks very slowly towards Shuster's office. You
can tell he's thinking. He approaches the front desk
and clears his throat, trying to act dignified. The robe
diminishes this a bit.

(to the Clerk)
Mr. Shuster, the Pit Boss, may I
speak to him, please?

I don't know if he's in. Just a

The Clerk picks up the phone. He buzzes.

Yes. There's a gentleman here
to see you.
(to David)
What is your name?

I'm David Howard. He knows me,
we spoke on the telephone. My
wife was the one who was up for

(into phone)
David Howard. Yes. Yes.
(hangs up phone)
He'll be right out.

David stands there. He's thinking, staring straight
ahead. Out of an office emerges JACK SHUSTER, the Pit
Boss, the man we saw earlier. Shuster's a large man,
in his early fifties. He's as intimidating as his
job calls for. He looks like he might have killed
somebody once, and actually enjoyed it. He walks
over to David.

Mr. Howard? Come on in.



David tries to compose himself even more as he follows
Shuster into his office. David's story is now formed.
He knows what he wants to say. He feels confident.
David enters the office. He sits down in front of
Shuster's desk.

First of all, let me say, I've
heard a great deal about you.

What do you mean? From who?
What did you hear?

Oh, I just meant I've heard
wonderful things from everybody
in general, from the whole hotel.

Well, that's very nice. Thank

No, thank you.

Is your wife feeling better?

Yes, she is.

So, what can I do for you?

I have a very interesting idea.
I think you'll be taken by it.

Shuster stares at him.

I was a key executive with a major
advertising agency - one of the
biggest in the world.

Yes, right. So?

Well, I was the Idea Man there.
So, when I say I have an interesting
idea, I'm not speaking like any slob
that walks in off the street.


(clearing his throat,
about to enter into
The Big Story)
My wife and I, we dropped out of
society. She had a very important
position in a department store and
again, I remind you that I was one
of the highest executives in the
world's largest advertising firm.

Shuster just stares at him.

Anyway, we were going to find
ourselves. Then, we thought, maybe
we're too old, it's too late. We
can't find ourselves, that's only
for kids. And then we thought about
it some more and it hit us. Wait a
minute. Who's to say at what age
you stop being a kid?

You gotta have some age. How else
could a court separate rape from
fun? In this state, it's eighteen,
by the way.

Yes. But my point is we wanted
to find ourselves and we did and
we dropped out, just like they
did in "Easy Rider."

Easy what?

The movie, "Easy Rider." Famous
movie. Important movie.

Didn't see that, I'm sorry.

It's a classic. If it comes on
cable here, see it. Anyway, we
did something that no one has done
for a long time. Maybe no one has
ever done it because in the movie
they were movie stars, so they
didn't really do it, even though
they portrayed people that did it.

I'm getting mixed up here. What
is your point?

Well, we did it for real. We
quit our jobs and we sold everything
that we had. The only thing we own
is our little motor home, which is
parked outside. That's all we've
got and we were going to spend
years roaming around this beautiful
country, but we knew we couldn't
do it unless we had our little
nest egg tucked away in the bank.

I'm going off duty in a few minutes.
Now, your point is what?

I'm getting to it. Why did we
come to Las Vegas? Because it was
a new beginning and I wanted to
remarry my lovely wife. That's
nice, don't you think?

Very nice.

I wanted to get remarried but I
wanted to spend our honeymoon in
the Grand Canyon, places like we
intend to spend the rest of our
lives in, but my wife is very fond
of your hotel and all of the
employees and she said, "Oh, come
on, let's spend our honeymoon here."
And we did and the room was very
lovely and everybody was very nice
to us, but my wife lost the nest

Mr. Howard, stop right here. I
think I know what you're getting at.
I realize you've lost a great deal
here and I want you to know that
your room and your meals are comped.

That's very nice but that's not
exactly what I'm saying. I think
I have a multi-million dollar idea.
Now, you have to be very secretive
about what I'm going to tell you
because the other hotels, if they
heard about it, well, they'll grab
it in a minute.

David leans over Shuster's desk and whispers to make
the idea really sound secretive:

I think, as an experiment, you
give us back the money we lost.

I beg your pardon?

Well, imagine the publicity? I
mean, the Hilton, for example,
they have billboards all over L.A.
where they put the faces of the
winners of those slot machines.
Now, those people win a couple
hundred thousand dollars, but the
hotel is getting millions of
dollars of publicity with those
billboards because people drive
by and say, "Gee, the Hilton looks
like a nice place. Look at those
smiling people." So, what about a
billboard with my wife and I on it
and we would be smiling and there
would be a saying, something like,
"These people dropped out of society,
they couldn't take it any longer,
but they made a mistake. They
lost their nest egg at The Desert
Inn, but The Desert Inn gave it
back." And maybe there could be
some kind of a visual with you
handing us an egg or something.
Now I mean, I'm just formulating
this now, as I'm talking, but you
can imagine, when it's worked
out how effective it could be.

That's wonderful.
(he gets up)
Well, Mr. Howard, nice to meet

What do you mean nice to meet
me? You said this is wonderful.

We're kidding each other here,
(starts to
laugh again)
I gotta tell you, this is one of
the best things I've ever heard.
What's the board gonna say again?
"Gamblers, come and get your
money back."
(he laughs)
Great. That's great.

(standing up)
No. No. Wait... Not "Gamblers,
get your money back."
That's wrong. We're not gamblers.
We're the few people in society
that have tried to do something
with our lives. See? We're drop-
outs. We're finding ourselves.
Someone's got to help the few
people like us, because if they
don't, nobody will ever drop out
again. Nobody will ever have
the courage to find themselves.

Well, I understand what you mean,
but I don't think The Desert Inn
can help find you. I'm sorry, but
thank you for the idea and good

He begins to escort David to the door.

(stopping him)
Listen, I've experienced this
before. I've had clients that
didn't understand the idea until
they saw it on television and
then they said, "My God! What a
brilliant idea! Why didn't I
understand this?" I might have
used the wrong phrase. Okay,
picture this: maybe, my wife
and I will do a television
commercial for you and there
could be a jingle and it could
(begins to sing)
"The Desert Inn has heart! The
Desert Inn has heart! The Desert
Inn has heart!" Something like
that. See what I mean?

That's a nice jingle. Mr. Howard,
let's assume you're serious here.
What if this caught on? Could you
imagine what would happen? Why,
we would have to return everybody's
losses. The casino would just
crumble. We couldn't pay our bills.
You know the casino accounts for
a great deal of our profits.

I understand. Of course, you don't
pay back everybody's losses. You
make a distinct division between
the bold, who are out there searching,
and all the other schmucks, who come
here to see Wayne Newton.

I see. Now, I like Wayne Newton.
So, I fall into what category?

(realizing this was
not the best example)
Oh, look, I picked a name out of a
hat. I like Wayne Newton, too.
I'm saying a schmuck, representing
the gambler and a bold person,
representing me and my wife and the
one or two others that probably
wouldn't come here anyway. You
wouldn't have to do this more than
once or twice, there's not too many
bold people around. I think it was
a mistake to use entertainers as
the dividing line. We could find
another system. Anyway, what do
you say? We do need that nest egg

I say good luck to you and stay
away from the tables next time.

Oh, that's for sure, but come on?
Half the money, for courage?

Shuster opens up his office door. He escorts David out.


Mr. Howard, nice to meet you.
A pleasure.

Hold it. What about "Miracle
on 34th Street?"

Christmas picture, right?

(now rambling on very
fast, desperate, rea-
lizing his plan is
about to fail)
More than a Christmas picture. What
happened there? Macy's didn't want
to send their customers to Gimble's
because the president of Macy's
thought they would lose all of their
customers and lose a tremendous
amount of money and it would be taken
wrong. But it wasn't taken wrong.
What happened? Macy's did much better
than they ever did before. And that's
what would happen to you. The Desert
Inn would do much, much better because
you would get Gimble's business and
the casino would be full.

Well, I'm not too familiar with
that picture but didn't Macy's have
Santa Claus to help them out?
(he starts to laugh)
I mean, if they didn't have Santy
Claus there, they might have done
very badly.

He continues to laugh. David now starts to laugh along
with him, except David's laugh has a pitiful ring to it.
He senses this is not going to work.

Yes. I guess they did have Santy
Claus. Well, thank you. Thank you.
And just so I understand, we can t
get any of our money back, right?

Well, not today, no. But if the
policy ever changes, we'll write
(still chuckling as
he goes back into
his office)
That's wonderful. Very good.

He closes the door. The desk Clerk, who has just seen
Shuster laugh, turns to David, who is standing there
looking as bad as he's ever looked.

I think he likes you. He rarely
laughs at anything.

David just nods a sickly "thank you."


Everything Matters - 9/25/08 - Morning Edition

Last night Bush spoke about the economic crisis, or as it’s known at his house – Other People’s Money.

In his speech, Bush let us in on how he really felt. And I quote, “It is difficult to pass a bill that commits so much of the taxpayers’ hard-earned money… But given the situation we are facing, not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later.” These Americans. He’s not including himself. Or anyone like himself. Republicans. Rich, white Republicans. Be very clear - these Americans are taxpayers who earn their hard-earned money through hard work. These Americans are the vast majority of the American people.
To paraphrase Walt Kelly’s Pogo: I have met these Americans and they are us.

So McCain rides into Washington on a white horse and saves the American economy. Not likely. First off, his white horse is busy lobbying for Freddie Mac or Georgia. Don’t forget, this is the man who has said he knows very little about how economics works and last Monday when the stock market fell 511 points he said the fundamentals of the economy are strong. He wants to save the economy – here’s a start –
How ‘bout he donates half his wife’s hundred million dollar fortune and 8 of his twelve houses to be used by foreclosed families. And the 5 grand he pays a Hollywood make-up artist to cover up whatever that is going on on his face. And the 500 dollar loafers he wears. And gets rid of every lobbyist on his campaign staff. Yeah, do all that for a start and then we can talk.

Look, it’s so clear that McCain suspended his campaign, whatever that means, so he wouldn’t have to debate this Friday and he wouldn’t have to debate on the economy, which is the real issue.
Never forget he voted for tax cuts for the wealthy in time of war and voted with George Bush over 90% of the time. McCain is still a P.O.W. – Prisoner of W (Bush 43)

And it’s even clearer that McCain suspended his campaign, whatever that means, so he could cancel the Palin debate as well. New Horror film based on Palin’s candidacy and reluctance to speak to the press – The Silence of the Moose.

Palin did tell Katie Couric that she would “get some examples of McCain’s economic leadership and bring them to her.” Well, the bad news is she won’t find any examples and the good news is at least it proves that one member of the Republican ticket knows how to use Google.

So Bush wants the American people to buy 700 billion dollars worth of investments that are so bad that no one can put a value on them. I’d offer to sell you a bridge but the American infrastructure is so bad that the bridge probably fell a long time ago.

How ‘bout we stop building the wall across the US-Mexican border and put it where it belongs – on Wall Street. We wall up Wall Street. With all the brokers and investment bankers inside. And if any of them have any ideas how to fix this mess they profited from and helped create, we send in Snake Plissken to bring them out. Oh, and if that doesn’t work because Snake Plissken doesn’t exist, enjoy the view, boys.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/24/08 - Late Morning Edition

Everything Matters – 9/24/08 – Morning Edition

Yesterday, in order to bolster her foreign policy experience, Sarah Palin met with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia and ex-Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Video showed her smiling and nodding, nodding and smiling, as she met with 2 minor world leaders and a war criminal. Just what we need in a Vice-President; a reactionary fundamentalist bobblehead doll.

Republicans don’t need to vote for her; they can get one free at opening day of the next baseball season.

I could just see her with the President of Columbia. “So you’ve got lots of cocaine and up in Wasilla where I was basically the President, we had crystal meth coming out of our ears. Perhaps we can set up some trade agreements? We live in perpetual winter, how ‘bout a Snow-for-Blow kind of deal?”

Prior to meeting yesterday with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia, Palin’s foreign policy experience consisted of arguing with a waiter at a Korean BBQ restaurant.

Dick Cheney has me confused. Yesterday he told the Congress that if they pass the 700 billion dollar bail-out proposal, Wall Street will greet us as liberators.

He also said of the government takeover of AIG, a private insurance company, “It’s not socialism if a Republican does it.”

Cheney also explained the government takeover of AIG in Godfather terms. “It’s not personal. It’s business.” If only Cheney were Tessio. Then his “undisclosed location” would be the same as Jimmy Hoffa’s.

So the Bush-Cheney administration has taken us into perpetual war, overseen the near-collapse of the American financial system, and trampled on the Constitution. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being worst, they’re a 700 billion!!! Dante couldn’t create a hell deep enough for these guys. Hell isn’t deep enough for these guys.

So Rick Davis, the cross-eyed always angry manager of the McCain campaign was on the payroll of mortgage giant Freddie Mac through August of this year, EVEN THOUGH the McCain campaign said he’s had no ties with Freddie for years. Fifteen thousand dollars a month worth of “no ties” to his company. Trying to make things appear somewhat better, the McCain campaign said that Davis really didn’t do anything for the money. Or, as we called it in the Bronx, “fucking stealing!”

Call me old-fashioned but I’d prefer if my political scandals were more, well, old-fashioned. To start with, I want Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to be actual, flesh-and-blood prostitutes!!! I want my politicians paying Fannie and Freddie, not the other way around.

In other big news, President Bush spoke at the UN and basically said, “Remember when we started some pre-emptive wars and said we didn’t need you? Well, sometimes my gut acts a bit too hasty…” The other 191 members of the UN responded by getting up and going out for Chinese food.

Warren Buffet invested 5 billion dollars in Goldman Sachs saying he’s confident that Congress will approve a bailout. In news closer to home, I bought a loaf of bread at the local convenience store and dipped into the free penny holder for the last 7 cents. Then when the clerk’s back was turned I took the rest of the pennies.

I hate that Treasury Secretary Paulson and Ben Bernanke, the Chariman of the Federal Reserve go to Congress and say, “If you don’t do this, give us 700 billion, you risk causing a recession, increasing joblessness and pushing more homes into foreclosure.”
Fuck that. How about Congress grows a pair and says, “We’re in a recession, unemployment’s already up, up and away and there are already tens of thousands of homes in foreclosure. Explain how that happened ON YOUR WATCH, explain your plans FOR NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN, and THEN WE’LL FUCKING TALK!!! Better yet, how ‘bout you live over a subway grate and eat out of dumpsters!!!

In Europe they used to have a two-fold solution to an economic crisis like this –
lamp posts and piano wire.

83 percent of Americans say the country is on the wrong track. And the engineer is busy texting teenagers.

With all the distressing financial news you may have missed this beaut of a new story – the EPA won’t limit toxic rocket fuel in our drinking water. Let me say it again – the EPA, that’s the ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, will do nothing to limit TOXIC ROCKET FUEL IN OUR DRINKING WATER. Well, folks, welcome to the United States of Jonestown. Our motto – E Pluribus Kool-Aid. Why do I keep hearing Bowie saying, “This ain’t rock and roll. This is genocide!”

In response to a New York Times article about McCain campaign manager Rick Davis on the payroll of Freddie Mac years after McCain said he’d left, McCain spokesman Algonquin J. Calhoun today said, “Not only do we deny the allegations but we detest the alligator!” Of course, Algonquin J. Calhoun doesn’t exist. He was the incredibly verbose lawyer on the Amos and Andy Show, to this day, the African-Americans that McCain feels the closest to. Ssshhhh. Don’t tell him they were played by white guys on the radio.

These are the experts, folks. Today at Congress, Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernanke said, “The financial crisis is rippling through the economy.” Yeah, rippling through. LIKE A FUCKING TSUNAMI!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/22/08 - Afternoon Edition

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. And that’s the Snapple fact of the day.

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. He had been ill for some time and was using an unorthodox method to deal with his illness. Rather than modern medicine, Mr. Golden was relying on Snapple’s Kiwi Teawi to cure his Cancer Shmancer.

Humoud Yakobi, the Chairman of Iraq’s Board of Tourism… that’s it, that’s the joke – Iraq has a Board of Tourism. Mr. Yakobi envisions a “six-star resort” and spa where one can cleanse their bodies, their spirits, and their neighborhoods of various ethnicities.

The United Nations announced that they are trying to end global poverty by the year 2015. And in news on this planet...

Henry Steinway, the chairman of Steinway and Sons, the famous piano makers, passed away this week at the age of 93. Services will be conducted in English, German, A minor and B major. Interment will be in a giant box that will be dropped at least 6 times on its way to the gravesite by the pallbearers, one short, fat man in a derby and one tall, thin man, also wearing a derby.

The McCain campaign had a conference call today to demand that reporters stop calling them liars. The conference call didn’t go smoothly as it began with the words, “We were going to call yesterday but we lost your numbers.”

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. Too late. As President of the Senate, Cheney had already ordered his Vice-Presidential records destroyed.

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. This might be hard. All of Cheney’s records are branded into the burning flesh of 12 year old Georgetown native Regan MacNeil with each page beginning “Help Me”.

There are currently 3 proposals circulating around Washington to deal with the 700 billion dollar Wall Street bailout – one with no oversight, one with limited oversight, and one that puts 350 billion on red.

Everything Matters - 9/22/08 - Early Morning Edition

The US Treasury's bailout of Wall Street was expected to cost 500 billion. They that was bumped to 700 billion. Now the number is up to 1.8 trillion. 500 billion. 700 billion. 1.8 trillion! Those aren't numbers; those are light-years!

Last night, the New York Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles played the last baseball game at Yankee Stadium. Upending tradition and taking a tip from Yogi Berra, the National Anthem was sung at the end of the game by Maria Serrano, a 385 pound resident of the Bronx.

The President of South Africa, Thabo Mbeki, has agreed to resign after his own party asked him to quit. In Washington, that cease-and-desist order I faxed to the White House seven years ago just isn't cutting it.

The first Presidential debate is this Friday and the Obama and McCain campaigns have agreed to an unusual, free-flowing format.
Taking advantage of this free flow, John McCain, trying to show off his rhyming skills and attract young voters, has spent the last few days trying to rhyme "surge" and "courage".

McCain's appeal to the young, urban voter won't work, considering he thinks "street cred" is the stuff on the soles of your Converse.

Trying to turn his negatives into positives and attract young voters, McCain's campaign admitted that their candidate does indeed have thirteen cars. Their press release on this subject stated that McCain has 4 more cars than Ludicrous and his blinged-out Crown Victoria beat Nas's solid platinum 700 series BMW in a recent episode of Pimp My Ride.

Yes, McCain even makes his cars into a patriotic plus when he says, "Yes, I do have 13 cars. One for each of the original 13 colonies." He then added that he is "still against that tax on Stamps" that King George is trying to make us pay.

The Palin-Biden Vice-Presidential debates will be much more structured, with few if any unfettered exchanges. As of now Sarah Palin will only take questions on how many children she has, her favorite color, and her favorite song from the movie Grease.

As her poll numbers have gone down and America sees that she has little, if any substance. the Republican Vice-Presidential candidates' name has now become Sarah Pal-in-significance.

The Bush Administration has balls. The proposal to Congress that the US Treasury bail out Wall Street and buy up to 700 billion dollars in mortgage-related assets came in at a whopping 3 pages. 3 pages! My iPhone bill last month was 37 pages. True, it was close to 700 billion, but that was with texting.

I love that after Bush announces we need 700 billion to rescue Wall Street and the American economy he meets with Alvaro Uribe, the President of Columbia. Let's see, to put 700 billion dollars in Columbian terms, imagine if the entire state of Virginia was made of cocaine.

Bush is shameless. He called the agreement he signed with the Columbian President the "Arms for Blow" deal. Here's the deal - we give Columbia advanced weapons systems and we get thousands of metric tons of "not baby powder".

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/18/08

everything matters

economics and finance wrap-up :

Monday, lehman brothers, a 158 year old major wall street player, collapses. Merrill lynch was sold to b of a.
Tuesday, the federal reserve provides 85 billion to keep insurance giant AIG (American international group) out of bankruptcy.
Wednesday, Washington mutual puts itself up for sale, and morgan Stanley and Wachovia start merger talks.

And today, Thursday, in light of all that is happening to the American and global economy, john mccain scaled down his previous line that said anyone who makes under 5 million a year is middle class. Now it’s anyone who makes under 5 hundred.

Galileo may have to come back from the dead to disprove this but Wall street firms seem to be falling faster than the stockbrokers jumping out of buildings.

In a press conference yesterday John McCain, unable to answer any question coherently, seemed to reject US ally Spain as a US ally and would not commit as to whether or not he’d invite the Spanish President to the White House. He then smiled his garish, forced smile and said that “none of this Spanish stuff changes the fact that beisbol has been beri beri good to me”.

International news – in South Korea the law allows only the visually impaired to become professional masseurs. And baseball umpires. While those with mental impairments are forced to enter politics.

In baseball, Ichiro Suzuki has over 200 hits for the 8th straight year, beating a 100+ year old record set by Wee Willie Keeler. Wee Willie, the former owner of the record and the lifetime owner of world’s most unfortunate anatomical nickname, was of course played by child star Shirley Temple for most of his career. Who can forget Wee Willie at the Big Top, Wee Willie’s Christmas, and Wee Willie meets Senator Larry Craig in a Minneapolis Men’s Room?

Motown songwriting and producing legend Norman Whitfield passed away at 68. Foul play was not suspected although 4 men in matching powder blue tuxedos were observed leaving the scene.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/17/08

Carly Fiorina, the executive who ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground AND a McCain economic advisor, said yesterday that neither McCain nor Sarah Palin could run a Fortune 500 company. Based on the disappearing stock market with companies disappearing or being bailed out by the Bush administration, pretty soon the question will be, "Could they run a Fortune 200 company? Fortune 50?, Fortune 17?"

Let's see: McCain's 3 top economic advisors are Phil Gramm, the man most responsible for deregulation and thus the financial crisis we are in now; Carly Fiorina, the CEO who almost destroyed Hewlett-Packard; and John Thuin, the CEO of Merrill Lynch who was in charge when after 80+ yeaars Merrill went belly-up and had to sell itself. Consider the odds of having 7 dwarves and three of them are Dopey!!!

Phil Gramm is also the guy who when watching the middle class disappear and Wall Street implode referred to Americans worried about the economy as "a nation of whiners". Today the nation of whiners will be demonstrating outside of Phil Gramm's house and they now wish to be known as "A nation of whiners now armed with baseball bats."

John McCain has repeatedly said that "the fundamentals of the economy are strong". He said it the day Wall Street sufferedd its biggest one day loss since 9/11. In typical McCain fashion he has now retracted that statement and clarified it, saying he only meant "to put the fun back in fun-damentals."

Wall Street insurance giant AIG was bailed out by the federal government and now we, the US taxpayers, own about 80% of AIG. Wall Street is New Orleans without Katrina. Wall Street is Galveston, Texas without Ike. Basically the government bail-out program is like the movie Gremlins - as long as you or your city don't get wet, the Bush Administration will take care of you. Remember, don't get wet!!! Bad things happen when you get wet. Like the government forgets about you!!! (And of course, New Orleans also ate after midnight.)

Artist Damien Hirst had an art sale at the same time as the US and now global financial crisis and sold pieces of his work for over 200 million dollars. 200 million dollars!!! Most famous for putting an entire shark in formaldehyde, Hirst, no financial idiot, said in order to keep his profits from the sale safe he was not going to put them in a bank or any sort of financial instrument. He is simply going to put them inside a shark. Inside an even bigger shark.

In health news, the Amgen Corporation announced good results from a bone drug that strengthens bone density and keeps the spine stronger longer. Sadly the drug was not available for the Democratic Congress of 2006.

It's no secret that John McSame has co-opted Obama's mantra of change and now calls himself the candidate of change. When it comes to his 100 million dollar fortune, his 12 homes and his history as one of Washington's greatest de-regulators, the change McCain believes in for the rest of us is simply the change we have in our pockets!

McCain's losing it. Today he said that "with change you can use pay phones." He then added, "With change you can also use vending machines." And my favorite, "With great change comes great responsibility." When he was told that now he was simply paraphrasing Spiderman, McCain put on his serious face and said "For 5 and a half years I couldn't read Spiderman."

Interesting that the more Americans are being held hostage by the economy, the less John McCain mentions that he was a P.O.W.

It's the opposite for forgotten fascist Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday he blamed the Wall Street free-fall on 9/11. He also blamed 9/11 for Pearl Harbor, the sinking of the Maine, and the break-up of Chris Kattan's marriage.

And to quote Rudy, or Il Rudy as he prefers, "If Chris Kattan, who we know and love as Mango on Saturday Night Live, and his wife of six weeks don't get back together, the terrorists win!"

John McCain, trying to win the votes of at least ten black Americans, is now appearing in ads in the "community" as M C Cain, also know as Big Daddy M C Cain. The real Big Daddy Kane meanwhile was planning to start up a renewal of the famous East Coast-Arizona hip-hop feud.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/16/08

A McCain advisor said today that McCain deserves credit for helping invent the BlackBerry. When asked to clarify this, considering McCain is first learning how to sign on to the internet, the advisor said, “Oh, not the pda BlackBerry. The actual blackberry. McCain is old. He was there in the Garden of Eden when God made the fruits of the Earth and McCain remembers mentioning about something darker than a blueberry. God listens to John McCain is the lesson we should take from this.

There’s a big relief and rescue operation going on in Texas for the victims of Hurricane Gustav. Texans rally around the slogan “Remember the Alamo”. Not the best slogan for a rescue operation. All the people at the Alamo died.

Except Davy Crockett. Historians now believe that Crockett survived the Alamo and tried to escape in women’s clothing, only to be discovered and executed. Davy Crockett in a dress. That would make him (to the tune of the theme song) “Davy, Davy Crockett, King and Queen of the Wild Frontier.”

A brief history lesson: So the stock market crashes in 1929 and Herbert Hoover’s a Republican President and there had been Republicans in office for 8 years prior to him (Harding and Coolidge) and the country was smart enough to blame Republican policies and elect a Democrat in 1932. Perhaps you’ve heard of him – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Gave us Social Security and Unemployment Insurance and lead us in the great crusade to defeat fascism. Hmmm. So here we are, 2008. Stock Market falling apart. Republican President, has been for 8 years. His economic policies brought us here, along with the deregulatory policies of his party since Reagan in 1980. And they want to destroy social security and put more people on unemployment. AND YOU’RE STILL UNDECIDED AS TO WHO TO VOTE FOR!!!

The people in Texas who were in the path of Hurricane Gustav were just told that it might be weeks before they get electricity and emergency food and water. And this is the government’s response in the President’s home state to people who tend to vote Republican!!! As my grandmother would’ve said, “WTF?!”

Good news from Germany. Two months after being beheaded, the newly repaired wax Hitler is back on display at Madame Tussaud’s in Berlin. Of course to make room for Der Wax Fuehrer all the wax Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals had to be moved.

And we’re not saying what Madame Tussaud’s did with the wax Jews, Gypsies and Homosexuals but where they once all were a single candle now stands.

The wax Hitler is seated at a desk in his bunker. He even has a bit of a smile; perhaps because the wax Eva Braun is also in the bunker, under the desk.

The Personal is the Political

My problem, our problem

My problem since the nixon administration is that republicans clearly don't see themselves as americans; they are not part of something bigger - a pluralistic democracy; they see themselves as REPUBLICANS, those who know what's right FOR EVERYBODY and will do everything in their power to shape the world in their image. of course when you see the world in terms of what's right for everybody it also means you see HOW WRONG the other guy is. and there is no dialogue, and there is no bipartisanship, there is only their one true path. that path is theocracy, that path is autocracy, that path is fascism. don't kid yourself - the republicans are going to be contesting every state they lose - caging voters, bullying tactics at polling places with lists of foreclosures, scare tactics aimed at ex-inmates, scare tactics aimed at students living out of state, they’re already calling jewish voters in florida with the question "how would you feel about obama if you knew he was giving large sums of money to the PLO? - ALL THESE ARE ALREADY HAPPENING OR HAVE HAPPENED IN PREVIOUS ELECTIONS. and all those tactics will help them in every state they win! the fact that this race is even close tells me two things - these tactics have worked remarkably well for the rovian side of the aisle, and the fact that there are "undecided" voters at this stage, not just in the election but folks who've lived through the past 8 years tells me that people aren't being truthful when the truth is they will vote against their own self-interests rather than vote for a mixed-race visionary. they will not admit to this in an exit poll. they may not even be sure it's what they are thinking because as we know most people do not examine their lives and have few if any moments of introspection and clarity. i am worried and scared beyond belief. i'll write my jokes and try to grow into the big leagues of comedy which is satire but the truth is this is the single most important election since 1860 when the fate of the union hung in the balance. now it is the fate of democracy itself. my children deserve better. all our children deserve better.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/15/08

Everything Matters 9/15/08

It is fitting that John McSame is in favor of drilling for fossil fuels. He knew most of those fossils when they were alive.

At a faith-based conference for evangelical Republicans last week, a top seller at the vendor booths was a package of Obama Waffles, a waffle mix that on the box had a picture of Obama with exaggeratedly large lips and darker skin and the boxtop portrayed him as a Muslim. When confronted with their obvious racism the makers of Obama Waffles fell back on the “it’s only a joke” defense basing this on the theory that tragedy + time + racism = comedy.

Other examples they cited to bolster the tragedy + time + racism = comedy equation were the genocidal extermination of Native Americans, lynchings, and the inexplicable success of Larry the Cable Guy.

When that explanation didn’t work they said that they had tested the package on their focus group and it had passed with flying colors. The focus group consisted of the creators of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, the Cream of Wheat Chef and the ghost of George Wallace.

The latest O.J. Simpson trial has started in Ls Vegas where he’s accused of armed robbery, kidnapping and a host of other serious charges. Mr, Simpson’s defense is that he was simply retrieving items that belonged to him. Much like in his celebrated double murder trial when his defense claimed that he was simply retrieving his knives from the bodies of the victims. Over and over again.

The New York Times headline reads Financial Crisis Reshapes Wall Street’s Landscape. Yeah, like Vesuvius reshaped Pompei or Katrina reshaped New Orleans.

Even with Wall Street in meltdown mode and Lehman Brothers disappearing and Merrill Lynch selling itself to the Bank of America, John McCain said this morning that “the fundamentals of the economy are strong”. Maybe at his house. Or houses.

When asked to define one such fundamental, Mr. McCain demonstrated by folding some dollar bills and claiming that they had just doubled in value.

To show even further how out of touch with reality he truly is, McCain then said we shouldn’t just be drilling offshore; we should be drilling on the banks of all of our major rivers like the Mississippi, the Missouri and the Colorado. “C’mon, they’re banks”, he said. “They may not have oil but might have money.”

My favorite McCain campaign lie for today – Obama raised 66 million in August, a number which proves that he is two-thirds of the way towards becoming the anti-Christ.

When presented with the insanity of this claim, a McCain spokesman said that it is incumbent upon the Obama campaign to provide proof that he is not the spawn of Satan and to explain why Mr. Obama has The Omen trilogy in his Netflix queue.

The past few weeks the papers have been filled with Gustav and Ike, Ike and Gustav. How many people thought they were having a nightmare where we were back in World War II and Germany was invading the Gulf of Mexico? Nobody. Really? Then explain why John McCain cut short an appearance this morning to get on his campaign plane, telling the press that he had an urgent message he had to deliver personally to Adolf.

Karl Rove, on no one’s list of the 5 people you meet in heaven, said that John McCain’s lies about his opponent, Barack Obama, during the presidential campaign have gone too far. Karl Rove said that. In a related story, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, was seen at a local sporting goods store buying ice skates.

If you think that spreading democracy is easy be reminded that over the weekend a top European diplomat said that Afghanistan was in its worst shape since 2001.
That’s B.C.

In India, which most Americans know as the place that answers the calls you make to Microsoft, another futuristic technology story. They used brain scans that purportedly show activity in the memory centers to convict a woman of murder, claiming the scan showed she had “experiential knowledge” of the crime. The jury said that that brain scan wasn’t the only reason they voted to convict. They said they were also swayed by the other brain scans that showed the defendant also had “experiential knowledge” of seasons 4 and 5 of Two and a Half Men, the music of Air Supply, and “something sexual involving Donald Rumsfeld.”

Pope Benedict was in Lourdes this weekend in France, the city where a 14 year old peasant girl was said to have visions of the Virgin Mary back in 1858. In front of a crowd of 50,000 worshippers the Pope said ‘the power of love is stronger than the evil that threatens us.” The Pope then got into his bullet and bomb-proof Pope-mobile and sped through the threatening crowd of 50,000 loving worshippers.

Since he was in France, the Pope claimed to have seen the image of Jesus in the crust of a baguette, the burnt cheese on the top of a bowl of French onion soup, and the end credits of The Disorderly Orderly, his Eminence’s favorite Jerry Lewis movie.

It seems that over 200 zoos and aquariums around the world have joined a computerized matchmaking service for their animals and fish. With lions being the kings of the jungle and male lions able to copulate 20 to 40 times a day during mating season, the service is being called MatchMatchMatchMatchMatchMatch dot com.

It has been revealed that when Sarah Palin was mayor of Wassila she tried to ban the book Daddy’s Roommate, a story about a homosexual couple, from the local library. When that didn’t work she tried to interest the publisher in some other titles –
Daddy’s Roommate Joins a Mega-church and Gives Up the Gay, Daddy’s Roommate and the Eternal Fires of Damnation, and Daddy’s Roommate and 9/11: the untold connection.

According to a book coming out tomorrow (9/16/08) Vice President Cheney wanted nothing to do with the federal response to Hurricane Katrina. A few other things that Cheney wanted nothing to do with – love, compassion, empathy, sympathy and basic human decency.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Everything Matters - Pt. 3

How can someone hate women so much? How can someone hate women so much AND BE A WOMAN? When Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the enlightened community up by the Northern Lights, ACTUALLY BILLED SEXUAL ASSAULT VICTIMS AND THEIR INSURANCE COMPANIES FOR THE COST OF RAPE KITS AND FORENSIC EXAMINATIONS!!! Think about how cold and cruel that is. Alaska, which is basically a welfare state living off the largesse of the federal government, billed sexual assault victims for the cost of their rape kits and forensic examinations! Soon we'll also find that while Palin was mayor she also billed shooting victims for bullet retrieval, car accident victims who had to be pried out of their crushed vehicles with the Jaws of Life on a hundred dollars per inch of Jaws used, and even child victims of abuse for each used anatomical sock puppet used to detail their injuries. I don't know about you BUT I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SARAH PALIN'S CHILDHOOD. AND HER ADOLESCENCE. AND HER COLLEGE YEARS. AND HER YOUNG ADULTHOOD. I want to know about her high school Prom after-party. Everything. What a piece of work.

BTW, Alaska leads the country in forcible rapes per 100,000 population and is eighth in violent crime per 100,000. And Texas, the home of George Bush always leads the nation in hate crimes. Arizona is seventh in murder, second in property crime, third in motor vehicle theft and fourth in larceny theft, all per 100,000 population. No wonder McSame and Sarah Palin-drone and the President they are so quick to emulate are so conservatively law and order. Everyone in their states is out to get them.

Everything Matters - Pt. 2

McSame says Palin knows more about energy than practically anyone in the United States. And she's always particularly perky and belligerent. Energy, perky above and beyond and belligerent... hmmm, you did know that Wasilla is the Meth capital of Alaska??? Energy, anyone?

We're all making too big a deal about Sarah Palin not knowing the Bush Doctrine. Hell, ask her if she knows the Monroe Doctrine.
Or who Monroe was, for that matter. And not Marilyn!!!

NY Times headline: North Korea's Leader is Seriously Ill, American Officials Say. WELL, DUH?!

Sarah Palin flew back to Alaska for some much needed dental work which she'd put off for a while. First she was for the Bridge to Nowhere, then she was against the Bridge to Nowhere. Ultimately, she decided to just forget about it and stay home. WHILE GETTING PAID.

Republicans want it both ways. A Black woman stays home, she's on welfare, doesn't want to work, is overpopulating the planet. A White woman does that she's the Governor of Alaska.

More to come...

Today's News - Everything Matters Pt. 1

In a speech in Alaska yesterday, professional know-nothing Sarah Palin linked Iraq and the attacks of 9/11, a belief that Bush and his Administration have long since stopped pushing as having any credence. What's worse is that later in the speech she also linked soybeans and the death of the TV western, the teaching of evolution and the rise of West Nile fever in the United States, and America's dependence on foreign oil and the Stanley Cup.

When asked her qualifications on questions of national security Palin's answer is "Energy". It follows that when asked her qualifications on energy policy her answer will be "national security". This isn't just an affront to the American people who deserve better, much better. This is a way of speaking that takes us through Alice in Wonderland, into the backwards-speak of 1984 with a side trip to Porky in Wackyland and a brief rest in Dead Parrot sketch repetitive and cognitive dissonance. Or, to put it another way, for the Republicans, business as usual.

Of course Republicans in their platform don't believe in evolution. They haven't evolved. Look at McSame and Palin. It may as well be one million b.c. They both have a preoccupation to settle arguments with the use of violence; neither one has any facility with language; art and culture are never discussed but rather the killing of moose and tales of captivity and horror; genuine fear of the Others who may come here across the Rio Grande land-bridge; constant unease and fear of attack; and a primitive style of face painting and adornment. It's not McCain and Palin 2008, it's John McCambrian and Sarah Pleistocene, 2008 B.C. They should hold their next rally at the La Brea Tarpits. Among their constituents.

Add to Sarah Palin on Georgia

In the years of recorded history here's what Georgia has given the world -STALIN. The man who killed 40 million of his own people. Georgians, Russians, and Ukrainians mainly. 40 Million!!! And there are still those in Russia who MISS HIM and would have him back tomorrow. (Not gonna happen - he's been dead since 1953.) I know there are women and children there and I know there are far too many millions of innocent Georgians who are leading normal, productive everyday lives. But when your first thought upon hearing the country's name isn't, Yeah, they created the polio vaccine, or Hey, that's where that great composer is from but is instead, Yeah, Georgia, that's where STALIN is from and HE KILLED 40 MILLION OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!!!, it's gonna be hard to get me on board with your BAT-SHIT CRAZY idea of going to war with Russia OVER GEORGIA.

Upon Hearing Sarah Palin Speak

Can't sleep. Up at 4 in the morning. Why? Simple. My children will not fight and die to protect the territorial integrity of GEORGIA!!! I don't think any American family should sacrifice their son or daughter on the Republican altar of BAT-SHIT CRAZY!!!
Maybe she's confused. Maybe she thinks Georgia and she sees Atlanta and the Braves on the SuperStation or she hears Ray Charles singing and if that Georgia were invaded or in peril, hell, I'd drive down to lend a hand. That's America. That's our Georgia. But to say that the Georgia that doesn't have teams in the NL or the NFL but is instead the Georgia from the former CCCP or the former USSR and is so vital to US interests that American men and women have to fight and die for her, NO FUCKING WAY! A brief note to Sarah Palin on history: the Russians beat Naploeon. The Russians beat the Nazis. They lost 26 million of their own doing that. 26 MILLION!!! They ate their own dead while they were starving at Stalingrad. And they still beat the Nazis there. I bring up the phrase "mutually assured destruction". The acronym is MAD. That's what war with Russia means. Mutually assured destruction. AND IT IS MAD INDEED. Two other quick historical anomalies: the one war the Russians couldn't win - you guessed it - AFGHANISTAN. You know who else couldn't win in Afghanistan? Alexander the Great. The Afghans are a tough, tough, tough, proud people. They're going to defend their poppies and their rubble and ain't nobody gonna take it from them. But heaven forbid that we learn from history. So let's recap - Sarah Palin, belligerent Republican, advocates war with Russia. The Russians don't lose wars. But, the one they did lose was in Afghanistan. Which is where we happen to find ourselves right now, fighting a war without end and a war that cannot be won. Sarah Palin has been revealed, she has been exposed for what she is - just another mediocrity from the base not the fringe of the Republican party; belligerent, with no grasp of history or current geopolitics; a walking collection of spin, talking points, and medieval attitudes - she is worse than the next four years of the last eight years. SARAH PALIN IS LIPSTICK ON A BUSH. Think Yes, Obama - No, Crazy Mama.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Notes from the Cam-Pain Trail - Pt. 3

So Stepford graduate Dana Perino, also known as White House Press Secretary, said yesterday that not only was Osama Bin Laden NOT the mastermind behind 9/11 but that "...this isn't like the movies. We don't have superpowers." This only further convinces me that THE BUSH ADMIN. ALREADY HAS OSAMA AND IS WAITING FOR LATE OCTOBER TO UNVEIL THEIR OCTOBER SURPRISE AND SWING THE ELECTION THEIR WAY. Call me crazy - first Musharraf leaves which was the first part of the deal so he can't be blamed for allowing our black-ops guys access to the "lawless Western territories". Second, we read today that Bush secretly ordered those same black psy-ops raids into Pakistan. I'm telling you - somewhere in a medieval prison cell, Osama's in a cage with the pig-mask on just like Hannibal Lecter. Don't put it past Bush and Co. to parade him through the streets of DC like Caesar bringing home the vanquished Vercingetorix, the leader of the Gauls. All the rotting vegetables that people toss over Cheney's fence have been saved just for this occasion, to be handed out to Republican operatives with high school baseball pitching experience. George 43, CHEERLEADER, need not apply.

Perino said, in her nasty schoolteacher correcting tone, "No, Osama bin Laden wasn't the 9/11 mastermind. Khalled Sheikh Muhammed was." Dana, if you look at the depth chart on NFL.com and TerroristMastermind.com, Osama was the mastermind and KSM was his back-up in case Osama tore an ACL or pulled a hammy. Since Al-Qaeda releases fewer injury reports than the New England Patriots, we don't know if Osama was injured or not but we can assume that he started and was in fact the Mastermind of 9/11. Al Michaels and John Madden, on the opening night of Monday Night Football earlier this week, also noted that 3rd and 4th on the mastermind list were the late Bill Walsh and the late Buddy Ryan.

Notes from the Cam-Pain Trail pt. 2

So Mississippi, always 49th or 50th in state rankings for anything resembling aid to education and medical care (Their state motto: Thank God for Alabama - usually interchangeable with MS in those rankings) has come up with an illegal dirty trick on this November's election ballot. Seeing as how the polls are saying they may elect a Democratic Senator, they're putting the names of the two candidates running for the US Senate AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BALLOT, after candidates running for Road Kill Ombudsman, Secretary of Heritage (also known as Keeper of the Sheets), and Commissioner of the Office to Bring Back the Poll Tax, AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LIST EITHER CANDIDATE'S PARTY AFFILIATION. Charming. Governor Boss Hogg, I mean, Haley Barbour, we salute you.

If you want the state to stay Red why not just leave the party affiliations on the ballot but next to them add the following:
(D) = Don't
(R) = Redneck (folks like us)

Animal Crackers in My Soup - Notes from the Cam-Pain Trail

For the third day the McSame campaign is talking about being called a pig, being called a fish (WTF?!) and moose hunting. Pigs, fish and moose. They'll talk about all forms of life except the bipedal mammals who are losing their jobs and their homes.

As Governor, Sarah Palin earmarked 3.2 million for a study of seal DNA. And I thought Todd, the First Dude of Wasilla, was the father of all their children.

Yes, Sarah, the Queen of Pork Products, especially the tasty earmark, received 3.2 million of our taxpayer dollars to study seal DNA. Can somebody please tell supermodel Heidi Klum that Sarah is looking to become her husband's baby-Mama.

I don't like the idea of a Vice President whose had so many in the oven that Vladimir Putin will call her Easy-Bake.

Along with all the other lies, Palin-drone has consistently uttered that she "engineered the deal that jump-started a long-delayed gas-pipeline project." Yes, the pipleine project is now in the "almost-drawing-up-pictures" phase, having passed the all-important, "Yeah, we should do that" phase, the "Wow, can we really do that?" phase and the "Will people really work outside in Alaska to do this?" phase.

So the Interior Department was involved with oil and gas company executives and besides drug use and major payoffs, sex was traded inn order to make and seal the deals. Now we know why this Administration is always ready to "Drill, drill, drill."

Also nice to know that the Interior Department is taking their name literally.

Also nice to know that "offshore drilling" now means having wild Interior Department sex more than 12 miles off the coast.

Great headline in the New York Times today - Effort to help Chad ends. So it's official - Chad is so fucked that it simply cannot be helped. Game over, man. Next up on the government's official Cannot Be Helped List - the rest of Africa, the parts of Asia that aren't China, and Han Solo, but only while he's trapped in carbonite.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

How to Win the Debates in 3 Words

Much has been made of the previous old man the Republicans foisted on the Republic, R. Reagan, the man who didn't mention AIDS for the first 5 years or so of his administration, and how he pretty much won his debates with President Jimmy Carter with the simple phrase "There you go again." Well, while I was working I just had a similar thought - Obama will win the debates but he has to show the undecideds, the independents, anyone on the fence and wobbling the other way that he's more Chicago street fighter than Constitutional Law professor. Here's a simple and effective way to do that. Rather than sit back or stand back and watch his opponent mouth GOP/POW talking points rather than answer questions, all Obama has to do is interrupt (yes, interrupt) and say forcefully and continually, "Answer the question." Was Sarah Palin for the Bridge to Nowhere?" "Answer the question." America wants answers, not talking points and obfuscation. ANSWER THE QUESTION.

And while we're at it, another thought. Stop, as in never again, mention John McCain and "his service to our country." Stop giving him credit. Everybody who gets up and goes to work each day, everybody who raises a family, everybody who DOES THE RIGHT THING DAY IN AND DAY OUT IS SERVING THE COUNTRY. I am so tired of this military crap. Stop feeding that beast.

The Smartest and Best Columnist in America

Leon Wieseltier writes the Washington Diarist column in The New Republic. Read him, he is brilliant. This is his latest:

Maybe the greatest line ever: You remember the teleological suspension of the ethical.

What you don't know, look up. Don't read to finish, read to learn and understand. The times we live in demand it. Those who would run your lives want you to be ignorant. Learn, baby, Learn.

Sarah Palin Billed Taxpayers to Stay at Home

According to today's Washington Post (or WAPO in blog talk), Republican V.P. nominee billed the people of Alaska to stay at her own home. Didn't she realize that when asked the question, "Sarah, do you really think you're qualified to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?", she could've answered in all honesty, "No. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.", and all America would've breathed easier.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Heartsick after reading DailyKos (panic edition)

I am heartsick. When DailyKos has a story (by Kos) with an electoral map and panic edition in parentheticals, i don't know what the "high road" means any more. Seriously. This country, which was hijacked 8 years ago by A GANG, is in more severe trouble than ever. And that gang has no intention whatsoever of giving that country back. Yes, they have their base but they also appeal to the base, baser and basest instincts of all people. Their politics are limbic and visceral and based on hate, greed and intolerance. They will do anything to win. And hold what they have won. Seemingly a majority of American voters would rather have 4 more years, at the least, of this farcical fascism, than elect a young, half-black, mixed race visionary. If this election is lost there will never be another moment such as this. The people and the movement which worked so hard and gave so much will never come back in another four years. They will have been devastated and their hopes dashed and the mourning will last forever. This is the Southern Strategy writ large. Hate the Other, Vote against your own best interests because hate blinds you, all the while being told that Hate equals Love. The Right likes to think they're the true People of the Book. They are. Only their book isn't the Bible, it's 1984.

THE FIX IS IN - 09/08/08

While we're all being oh-so clever on our Progressive blogs, THE FIX IS ALREADY IN.

Read this from Huffington Post this a.m.: http://www.truthout.org/article/nearly-600000-voters-subject-possible-caging-ohio

and if that's not enough, read this as wll, also from Huff Post:


Don't think that every vote will be contested. And those are the votes that get past the Diebold drop software. Remember the coup of 2000? They've already got the Court.

Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.

Take a stand.

When the Press Died

The American Press, a free and independent Press, our safeguard against tyranny died in August 2005. It had been on life support all through the Reagan Administration and it took another twenty five years for the last gasping breaths to echo down the once proud chambers of Murrow Land. Remember how hungry Woodward and Bernstein were when they broke the Watergate news? Remember how proud you were that they followed every lead for you, for the country? Remember how feral and thirsty and unkempt Bernstein always looked in photographs? The same with Dustin Hoffman in the movie version? (Redford is always the picture of WASP cool.) History. All ancient history. Because in August 2005, ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings died. AND LEFT AN ESTATE VALUED AT MORE THAN 50 MILLION DOLLARS. Of course the mainstream media (MSM) isn't going to dig into the heinous and nefarious acts done in our name. THEY ARE PART OF THE PERMANENT GOVERNMENT. When you've got 50 MILLION DOLLARS you don't report on Ronald Reagan. YOU ARE RONALD REAGAN. AND YOU ARE DICK CHENEY AND DONALD RUMSFELD AND BOTH MEN NAMED GEORGE BUSH. When journalists leave 50 MILLION DOLLAR ESTATES they don't look into abuses of POWER. They are POWER. MSNBC just removed Olbermann and Mathews from their anchor desks at their coverage of the single most important election since 1860. Clearly they were cowed by the powers that be in the McSame campaign. Yes, the Press, the free and independent American Press died, officially, in August 2005, with Peter Jennings. The ultimate irony - Jennings was Canadian.

Separated at Birth

Lost in the "Hey, doesn't Sarah Palin look just like Tina Fey" which I'm sure is making Tina Fey sick to her Baby Mama prosthetic stomach, is the fact that from certain angles John McSame looks like world-wide cultural hero Charlie Chaplin. The main differences, aside from the fact that Charlie was a lifelong advocate for the oppressed and spoke out artistically and personally about the dehumanization of workers, are twofold - Chaplinknew to keep his mouth shut when he didn't know what he was talking about. And Chaplin played the Little Tramp. McSame married her.***

***That is you would know if the MSM did its job and told you about McSame's affair with Grinning Skull Woman (Cindy's honorary Indian name; everyone in Arizona has one) while he was still married and the fact that records show they were married BEFORE his divorce from wife #1.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

CNN Headline

The headline reads "McCain vows to have Democrats in Cabinet". And as he walked away, he muttered under his breath, "If Obama gets elected, that is."

Why The POW Party Won't Let Sarah Palin Speak

So the POW Party is not letting Sarah Palin meet the press, take questions from the press, or come anywhere close to even hearing questions from the press. She is being tutored in foreign policy by the Quisling from Connecticut, Joe Lieberman. And we all know how well the foreign policy Joe advocates is doing. So she's not ready to face the press but she is ready to be President and take those three a.m. phone calls from her daughter complaining about morning sickness? And why Levi is coming home later and later from hockey practice. But there are other reasons she is being held in an undisclosed location (Cheney's pied-a-terre in Arlington, VA, formerly Cheney's undisclosed location). Here are some of her answers from the first Q and A session she had with her POW party handlers (all handling done by Lindsey Graham and Karl Rove since then there would be nothing, absolutely nothing, sexual about it).

Q: Sarah, your views on creationism?
A: Everyone knows the Earth is 6,600 years old. And so is John McCain.

Q: How proud are you to be running with a man who spent time in the Hanoi Hilton?
A: Extremely proud. When John McCain was in the Hanoi Hilton they didn't give bonus points, there was no free cable or internet, compared to today it was torture.

Q: How do you respond to those who say you were a member of an Alaskan secessionist party?
A: As a hockey mom I'm responsible for GatorAde and snacks for all the parties - tournaments, playoffs, and secessionist.

Q: You say you're against earmarks and special interests yet you hired a lobbyist with ties to convicted felon Jack Abramoff and got 27 million for Wasilla, a town with a yearly budget of 6 million?
A: And your question is?

Q: Sarah Palin, for or against earmarks?
A: John McCain, a true American hero, was a P.O.W.

Handlers (in unison): I think our work is done.

Friday, September 5, 2008

McCain's Potemkin Village Backdrop

So last night during his snore-a-thon of a run-on sentence, John McCain spoke, not just in front of the green screen that loves his sickly pallor so much, but in front of a picture of Walter Reed Middle School of North Hollywood, California. Now I just moved from North Hollywood so I know Walter Reed. But clearly the same McCain people who didn't do any vetting of the soon-to-be-indicted-in-Troopergate Sarah Palin, mistakenly confused a middle school in Cali with Walter Reed Medical center, WHERE OUR WOUNDED VETERANS ARE GETTING SUBSTANDARD TREATMENT AT THE HANDS OF THE BUSH/MCSAME ADMINISTRATION. Now I understand that one Walter Reed building is the same as any other. In Washington it is so easy to wander into CIA Dry Cleaners or Pentagon Florists and assume you're at the right place. But what makes this even more interesting and sadder is that the middle school in question was used as a backdrop for a Presidential announcement ON THE WEST WING, a TV show. McSame's people, so used to confusing fact with fiction on a verbal and written basis now are confusing them on a fictional vs. reality basis. If only President Bartlett were here, he'd know what to do.
Oh and Palin the Merciful (she's supposed to get even meaner and more shrill as the weeks go on) is now not speaking to the press. She will speak to local (read Wasillian in size) press but not to the national media. Perhaps she's being held against her will while Karl Rove and Joe Lieberman cram her head with "foreign policy" as if they KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Why that woulld make her a POW running with a POW. Her story now matches McSame's. He wasn't kidding when he called her his "soulmate". Cindy, watch out. Hope the prenup is airtight. There's a new hot mama in town and she's got her sights set on your man. And she's a Barracuda.
BTW, has anyone else noticed that neither Karl Rove nor Lindsey Graham, both of their shining countenance, has ever shaved or even needed to shave? I want my fascistic advisors to have some facial hair and my senatorial sycophants to have some secondary sex characteristics. When Michael Phelps shaves himself smooth its to glide through the water. America wants to know - WHY DON'T KARL ROVE OR LINDSEY GRAHAM HAVE FACIAL HAIR? WHY ARE THEIR FACES AS SMOOTH AAND HAIRLESS AS THOSE OF 8 YEAR OLD ALTAR BOYS??? WHY DO THEIR FACES APPEAR AS SMOOTH AS BABIES ASSES??? Rove can claim Executive Privilege and refuse to answer but I just want to see a glimpse of 5 o'clock shadow one day. Until then, I say Karl Rove and Lindsey Graham are WOMEN. Way to go guys. Consider that glass ceiling broken! Sisterhood is powerful. (Not meant as an insult to women but there are only two genders and neither one probably wants 'em. No, the only insult to women is McSame choosing AN UNQUALIFIED ONE SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE IS ONE!

McCain: "Catch up to History."??? WTF!!!

John McSame, the only member of the POW party, said last night before a gathering of rich, white folks, that his mission as titular head of that party is "to catch up to history." Lost in the mindless chanting of "USA, USA" (I think they thought they were at a replay of a USA-Russia hockey game, or a Toby Keith concert) was his next line - "But first I have to catch a nap." Here's a man who has lived through most of recorded history, except for the thousand or so years when he was a POW; first under the Pharoahs, then again under the Merovingian kings, and of course, who can forget his incarceration and terrible treatment at the hands of the Mud People, only ended when Flash Gordon defeated them in a rousing intergalactic battle.

BTW, this is the party that has not made any headway to into CATCHING Osama Bin Laden.
This is also a man who is first learning HOW TO SIGN ON TO THE INTERNET!!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

even more foreign policy experience

it seems that palin graduated from the university of idaho... which is in MOSCOW, IDAHO. what a bonus for the republicans; a vice presidential candidate who went to school in MOSCOW! talk about foreign policy experience!!!

Sarah's Palin-drone

So she gave the speech that the overwhelmingly white, well-to-do audience in St. Paul was primed to hear and applaud madly to. Long on Rovian attack points, short on anything resembling ideas, thoughts, fixes or anything of interest for a country that has just seen almost 8 years of kakistocracy - government by the least competent. Thank you Greeks for that word. In doing their job for one of the few times during the Bush administration, the press, vetting her where the McCain campaign did not, has found out the following - she was for the Bridge to Nowhere rather than against it as she claims; she ran a 527 for indicted Senator Ted Stevens; she was a member and attended the 1994 convention of the AIP, an Alaskan separatist and secessionist party; her husband was a member of said party; and she now refuses to testify in the Troopergate scandal where she may have had her ex-brother in law fired by using executive pressure. Oh, and she's got a pastor who's out Jeremiahed Jeremiah Wright, but as we all know, Obama can't win that one because Jeremiah Wright will always be wrong simply because he is Black. A white fundamentalist with fringe views and anti-Semitic leanings is still White. And as Trent Lott will tell you, White makes Right. Far Right . Being as she's from Alaska, these revelations are probably the tip of the iceberg. And being as she's a creationist-loving, fundamentalist Christian, more and more Revelations, possibly big enough for a Book of may not be far off. Vegas is giving odds that she will soon be asked to leave the ticket but that means going against the Rove playbook - never admit you are wrong. Remember his feeling that the 2006 Congressional elections would go red? He said there was "math" and "the math", meaning math with a capital (R). No, Sarah Palin is here to stay. Bush was never my President. Let's hope that Sarah Palin is never anybody's Vice-President.