Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/29/08 - Morning Edition

So you do know that there is no Mrs. Joe the Plumber. Something about the
male threading on his pipes not really fitting into the female threading on hers.

Obama’s got a half hour campaign ad on TV tonight which people are calling
“very special”. Just what we need, another “very special” episode where Uncle
Obama talks to the cast of Two and a Half Men about the dangers of unsafe sex
and teenage drinking.

Doesn’t Joe the Plumber look like the giant gladiator Tigris of Gaul who’s sent
in to fight and kill Russell Crowe in Gladiator? But he ends up dead with the
sword in his foot? Raise your hands – how many of you would like to see
Joe the Plumber with a sword in his foot? Or to get him to shut the fuck up –
in his mouth?!

So you do know that there is no Mrs. Joe the Plumber. Something about his
pipes leaking early before her faucets were actually turned on.

McCain is having a Joe the Plumber rally at a lumberyard in Florida.
Obama had a crowd of a hundred thousand in Denver the other day and
a week before the election McCain is speaking before a hundred guys in Florida
with toolbelts and visible buttcracks. And all of them thinking the same thing –
“How do I get a shot at laying some pipe into Cindy McCain?”

Sarah Palin gave a speech on energy policy this morning where she said
we need to build 45 more nuclear power plants. Actually she said 45
“nuke-u-ler” power plants. Hey, crazy lady, if you can’t fucking say it you
can’t fucking build it!!!

Palin did say what she’d do with the nuclear waste generated by those
45 “nuke-u-ler” power plants she wants to build.And she listed – New York,
San Francisco, Washington, D.C…

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/28/08 - After Lunch Edition

Vanity Fair has filed a Freedom of Information Act request to get the records of a 1964 car crash in which a young (let’s say “younger” since McCain was never young) John McCain may have been involved in a deadly car crash which has been covered up for years. So now McCain’s not just like George Bush, he’s like Laura Bush as well since the First Lady ran a stop sign as a young woman in Texas and killed someone.
McCain votes like Bush 90% of the time and he drives like Laura the other 10%.

Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was convicted yesterday of corruption for not reporting 250 grand worth of goods and services for his home. To make matters worse, under Obama’s tax plan, anything under 250 grand wouldn’t be taxable anyway!!!

Sarah Palin told Sean Hannity that she likes being in the underdog position.
Which accounts for most of her support from male voters who salivate just
thinking of Palin in the underdog position.

I love the Republicans. Now they’re saying that one party rule didn’t work
out so well for them so don’t let the Democrats do it either. The new Republican
slogan – We’re all gonna lose so vote for me.

Convicted felon Senator Ted Stevens – doesn’t he look like something that
should be looking back at you from inside an aquarium.

Convicted Senator Ted Stevens said he’s too old to go to jail.
Sarah Palin agreed and volunteered to shoot him from a helicopter.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/27/08 - Evening Edition

In Hollywood, the movie Max Payne finished second in the box office numbers last week. And in politics, Max Payne, otherwise known as John McCain, is doing his best
to finish second as well.

Leaks from the McCain campaign are calling Sarah Palin names like Diva and Rogue. Just what I’m looking for in a Vice President – someone who’s a little bit J-Lo and a little bit uncanny X-Men.

With 8 days to go McCain is falling further behind. He needs Joe the Plumber now more than ever cause his chances to the White House are in the toilet.

Over the weekend US forces attacked militants in Pakistan and Syria, two countries we are not at war with. Until now.

The McCain campaign is calling Obama things like socialist, communist, Marxist.
No wonder McCain likes that Arizona desert heat. He’s still fighting the Cold War.

McCain calls Obama, Pelosi and Reid a dangerous threesome. Hey, a dangerous threesome is won the NBA title for the Celtics last year.

Famed mystery novelist Tony Hillerman died today in New Mexico.
Foul play is suspected but Navaho police officers Joe Leaphorn and Jim
Chee are already on the case.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/21/08 - Hollywood Edition

Let’s face it, if Hollywood were to remake Frank Capra’s classic It’s A Wonderful Life and base it on the Republican policies that lead to the collapse of the global economy, the Bailey Building and Loan Association would foreclose on everyone in Bedford Falls, George Bailey would commit suicide and take half the town with him, and Clarence Odbody, the Guardian Angel would plummet to Earth in a fireball cause he would never get his wings. They could even use another movie title to show the true horror of the world left behind after 8 years off George Bush – Apocalypse Now.

Everything Matters - 10/21/08 - Xmas Sing-Along Edition

John McCain has said that if/WHEN he loses that "he has a great life" and he'll simply go back to Arizona. Well, here's the Xmas carol we want the whole McCain clan to sing on Xmas eve around the Yule log - a carol specifically designed to go over just how poorly his campaign was run.

The 12 Days of John McCain’s Christmas

On the first day of xmas the campaign gave to me a bad joke as a V.P.

On the 2nd day of xmas the campaign gave to me 2 voter frauds

On the 3rd day of xmas the campaign gave to me 3 bill ayers

On the 4th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 4 facial tics

On the 5th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 5 robo calls

On the 6th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 6 banks a-closing

On the 7th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 7 senate seats lost

On the 8th day of xmass the campaign gave to me 8 town halls missing

On the 9th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 9 we’re all georgians

On the 10th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 10 blue states once red

On the 11th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 11 pundits switching

On the 12th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 12 joe the plumbers

Monday, October 20, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/20/08 - Evening Edition

After a front page report in the New York Times, the McCain campaign is releasing more of the candidate’s medical records. They’re doing so chronologically. So far we know McCain had measles when he was 6, mumps when he was 7 and he survived the Black Plague in 1348.

McCain’s endgame for his campaign is to endlessly repeat the words – socialist, terrorist, Muslim and baby-killer. The Yaser Arafat estate tried to get a cease and desist order against McCain, claiming that Arafat’s reputation as the world’s most famous socialist, terrorist, Muslim baby-killer was being damaged.

The Taliban stopped a bus in southern Afghanistan and beheaded as many as 30 passengers. The Taliban left notes for the international media, they sent videos to
the international media, and they broadcast tapes of the murders.
John McCain blamed Barack Obama.

This year’s World Series is a match-up between the Philadelphia Phillies and
the Tampa Rays. Phillies is urban slang for a marijuana cigarette and Tampa is
well-known as a cigar-making city. So it’s basically the Up in Smoke Series –
Cheech and Chong vs. Garcia y Vega. Or simpler, homegrown vs. subsidized.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/19/08 - Serious Edition

What Do We Do If:

The GOP has their way and the voter rolls across America are purged by
the thousands? The ten thousands? The hundred thousands? The MILLIONS?

Suppression of Democratic voters goes unchecked and countless Americans
just can’t vote?

Untold numbers of “provisional ballots” are relegated to the dustbin of history?

We wake up on Wednesday, November 5th to another stolen election and the nightmare scenario of a President McCain and a Vice-President Palin?

What Do We Do Then?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/16/08 - Afternoon Edition

Super investor Warren Buffet today said “Buy American stocks. I am.”
Warren Buffet has 35 billion dollars. Americans who aren’t Warren Buffet
said “We’d love to but we’re too busy trying to buy American food,
American clothing and American shelter.”

The Supreme Court ruled today and stopped a GOP effort to suppress the
vote in Ohio. Don’t get too happy. In the spirit of fairness the Court also
ruled that the GOP COULD suppress the vote in the other 49 states.

Headlines everywhere are blaring that Sarah Palin’s staff are keeping her away
from the news so she won’t get depressed. Which proves that this latest version
of the Terminator T-1000 DOES have human emotions.

So Sarah Palin’s staff is keeping her away from the news so she won’t get
depressed. Funny, every time I read about her or see her in the news I get
depressed. And she’s been a public figure for all off 6 weeks now. Have you
seen how depressed the stock market has gotten in that time???

John McCain, down in all the polls, is looking into what he calls “a narrow
victory scenario.” Basically it means that after Obama is inaugurated,
McCain would become King of Arizona and Alaska.

I’m sorry but doesn’t Joe the Plumber look like he should be fighting Rick Flair
and Ivan Koloff in a cage match? Loser leaves town.

How many of you are aware that Oliver Stone’s movie about Bush, W., is the prequel
to Spike Lee’s movie X, about Malcolm X? As Malcolm himself would’ve said,
“George Bush destroyed this country… by any means necessary.”

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/16/08 - Afternoon Edition

After last night’s 3rd and final debate (with apologies to Budd Schulberg’s On the Waterfront):


Int. Hofstra University Debate Hall – Night

Deserted. Bob Scheiffer is gone. The people and media types are gone.
Barack and Michelle are gone. Cindy McCain is gone. In a darkened dressing
room, only George Bush and John McCain remain. Tension and the threat of
violence in the air.

Look, kid, er, old man, I - how much you weigh, John?
When you weighed one hundred and sixty-eight pounds
you were beautiful. You coulda been another Billy Conn,
and that skunk you got for a campaign manager, he brought
you along too fast.

It wasn't him, George, it was you. Remember that night
in the Senate you came down to my dressing room and you
said, "Kid, er, old man, this ain't your night. The country’s
going for the price on Obama." You remember that? "This
ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Obama apart!
So what happens? He gets the title shot on January 20th
outdoors in D.C. and what do I get? A one-way ticket
to Palooka-ville! You was my President, George, you shoulda
looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just
a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.

Oh I had some bets down for you. You married that beer
heiress. You saw some money.

You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a
contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which
is what I am, let's face it. It was you, George.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/15/08 - After Lunch Edition

The polls say that McCain is hurting his chances by only using attacks. All Obama has to do tonight to win the debate and blow McCain away – utter the two magic words – “Duck season.” McCain will come back with “Rabbit season” and on into the night and the debate and the election are lost!!!

McCain says that he’s the more experienced, he’ll have “the steady hand on the tiller.” Don’t think I want this bozo steering the ship of state? This is the Navy flier who crashed two planes before he even got to VietNam.

And what’s with McCain’s “steady hand on the tiller” crap? We’ve seen our retirement income disappear and Wall Street collapse after 8 years of Republicans. Republicans never mean a “steady hand on the tiller”, they mean a “steady hand IN the till!”

The McCain campaign is now paying for robocalls to folks in North Carolina, Missouri, Colorado and Wisconsin slamming Obama’s patriotism and saying that he puts Hollywood above America. When I hear the word “robocall” the first thing I think
of is Robocop which was a pretty damn good Hollywood movie. And the bad guys in Robocop were big-shot businessmen.
Kind of like today. Hey, Hollywood’s not so bad. I’m voting for Obama.

Everything Matters - 10/15/08 - Lunchtime Edition

Dick Cheney was headed to the hospital this morning to “restore his normal heart rhythm.” No truth to the rumor that he was accompanied by weapons manufacturer Tony Stark.

Dick Cheney is off to the hospital today to “restore his normal heart rhythm.” Most leading doctors told him they couldn’t help him with his heart problem… said he’d have to consult first with a certain Doctor Wizard in Oz.

McCain went on record today about possible voter fraud in Florida. He said that ACORN has registered Mickey Mouse to vote. Hey genius, ever been to Orlando? Disney World? Not only is Mickey registered to vote, he’s the fucking Mayor!

There are Obama for President ads in the latest Xbox 360 games out on the market. To counter this futuristic move, the McCain campaign is buying space in the new Sears and Roebuck catalog which will feature McCain wearing “long pants”;
John McCain will be meeting both Buster Brown and Buck Rogers in this Sunday’s comics;
and lastly, they’re coming out with a two-page chromolithograph suitable for framing of an heroic McCain fighting off the Sioux at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/14/08 - After Lunch Edition

Tim Mahoney, the Florida Congressman who succeeded Mark Foley after he resigned because of a sex scandal, is now involved in a sex scandal of his own. Foley, of course, sent pages of emails to male House pages. Got that? Pages of emails to male House pages. Foley was found guilty by the Court of It Sounds Like an Old Danny Kaye Song.

It seems Congressman Mahoney paid off a former mistress to the tune of $121,000.
And that was before the economic meltdown. But it did coincide with his own.

Paul Krugman, Princeton professor and New York Times columnist, won this year’s Nobel Prize in Economics, for his work in “analysis of trade patterns and location of economic activity.” Let’s see – I go to a store (a location of economic activity) and
I give them money and get something in return (analysis of trade pattern). As my grandmother would say, “For this he got a Nobel Prize?”

Everything Matters - 10/14/08 - Late Lunch Edition

The McCains are perfect for each other – when it comes to Ayers, she puts them on and he talks of nothing but.

McCain today compared Barack Obama to Herbert Hoover, the Republican President at the start of the Great Depression, forgetting that George Bush is the Republican President at the start of this Depression. Other things McCain forgot today – any numbers after seven, what pizza tastes like, and the name of “that guy with the hair” on Seinfeld.

Have any scientists noticed that global warming is affecting all the Earth’s polar ice except the massive frigid glacier that is Cindy McCain?

You do know that John McCain, famous for his temper, recently called his wife Cindy the C-word? Yes, if Hemingway were alive he’d be rewriting The Old Man and the C? The story’s the same – an old man in search of younger tail.

Nice to see all the make-up that Cindy McCain puts on her face each day. Did you know the colors of her make-up can change when she senses danger?

Today John McCain unveiled his long-awaited economic plan. He’s going to have 11 families of celebrities live in whichever of his houses he and Cindy aren’t in at the moment. His plan is called Who Cares: I Married a Hundred Million Dollars!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/10/08 - Lunchtime Edition

An evolutionary haiku

Dinosaurs lived with
Men and Sarah Palin’s proof
She walks among us

Based on the hatred and race-baiting used in the McCain-Palin campaign, shouldn't her problems
in Alaska be renamed "Storm-Troopergate?"

China banned an herbal drug after 3 deaths. 3 deaths? For China, that's like a drop of milk in the ocean.
Wait. China, please don't dump any of your milk in the ocean.

Colorado is going to review how it purges its voting roles. In the past the rules to purge were - "vaguely Spanish", "Jamal is black or Muslim", and oh yeah, that's Jewish".

Everything Matters - 10/10/08 - Morning Edition

A Sarah Palin Haiku:

Palin on Newsweek
Can't airbrush in or retouch
Sorely lacking soul

A Republican ticket haiku:

McCain P.O.W.
Sarah Palin wingnut MILF
Acronyms from Hell

The McCain-Palin campaign issued a report that has exonerated Sarah Palin in the Alaskan Troopergate scandal. At the same time they've issued a report which blames Senator Obama for the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Cubs abject failure in the 2008 NL Divisional Series.

A 2008 Campaign Biblical Haiku

And lo, John Mc-Cain
Is so clearly un-Abel
Don't let him play God

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/9/08 - Lunchtime Edition

The first country to fall in the wake of the global financial meltdown is Iceland. The Icelandic government announced today that they were going bankrupt. They said their problems began a thousand years ago when their real estate investment
in Vinland didn’t pay off.

McCain said today that he was forced to go negative because Obama wouldn’t agree
to 10 town hall meetings. He was forced! This has now become the Bush rationale
for waterboarding and other forms of torture. The terrorist captives wouldn’t agree
to ten town hall meetings. We were forced to torture them!

Cindy McCain attacked Obama by saying his vote on a troop funding measure sent a cold chill through her body. Considering the Ice Princess has a standard body temperature of about 10 below zero, how could she tell?

Cindy McCain went to Alaska to campaign for Sarah Palin and won the
State Fair award for Best Ice Sculpture.

The Republican Party keeps saying that McCain’s use of the term “that one” at the debate has no racial subtext. Interesting. In other news, Mississippi and Alabama have revealed the design of their Presidential ballots. It’s lists McCain as the Republican nominee and That One as the Democratic.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/8/08 - Afternoon Edition

So the Daily News reports that John McCain is taking a supplement that folks with Alzheimer’s and senile dementia are taking. Nice. The bad news is he’s taking it. The good news is that he’s remembering to.

A lot of to-do over the fact that McCain referred to Obama as “that one” last night at the debate. Not that bad. Considering that during his debate practice he kept referring to Obama as Kid Chocolate, Mandingo-bama, and M.C. Bama, the Illest
man in Illlinois, “that one” isn’t that bad.

At McCain-Palin events in the past few days audience members have screamed out “terrorist”, “treason”, and “kill him” when Obama’s name has been mentioned. The amazing thing is they yell out the same epithets when Jim Belushi’s name is mentioned.

Today, Conservative columnist for the New York Times, David Brooks, said that “Sarah Palin represents a fatal cancer to the Republican party.” The Republican party, much like it’s Presidential nominee John McCain refused to reveal its medical records.

John McCain’s economic plan at last night’s debate was to buy up lots of bad mortgage debt. Which is what the recently passed 700 billion dollar bailout is going to do. Later his campaign also announced that McCain is against slavery in
the Missouri Territory and would argue strenuously to repeal Prohibition.

And a great new Everything Matters YouTube video from the Obama rally in Asheville, NC on 10/5/08


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/7/08 - Lunchtime Edition

Sarah Palin is quite the pitbull. From prison, Michael Vick said if he had a bitch like Sarah, he never would’ve lost a dogfight.

Today, McCain-Palin rallies are turning increasingly ugly with crowds lashing out at the media and Obama. Tonight they plan to add Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals to their list.
And tomorrow… tomorrow, the world.

The McCain-Palin campaign is so covered in slime you’d think they just won a Kid’s Choice Award on Nickelodeon.

After seeing Sarah Palin get dirtier and sleazier with each day, Joe Biden, realizing he shook hands with her at their debate, voluntarily started getting rabies shots.

Joe Biden voluntarily started a series of painful rabies shots today after realizing he shook hands with Sarah Palin at their debate last week. “I knew she was a pitbull”, he said.
“I just didn’t know she was rabid.”

The Republican Party, upset at charges that they are trying every trick in the book to suppress the vote, have hired a watchdog group to oversee the polls in all 50 states.
The watchdog group is staffed completely by ex-Chinese milk inspectors.

Possibly my favorite headline ever – “Duchovny leaves rehab for sex addiction.”
Hey, if I ever leave rehab, you can be damn sure I’m headed straight for sex addiction.

It’s not just the collapse of global markets and imminent worldwide depression.
As if you needed more proof that the 1930s are back in a big way this headline in the Times – Germany seeks wider role for Army. And you know by wider they mean Poland, France,

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/4/08 - Late Afternoon Edition

This just in – Philosopher George Santayana rolled over in his grave during the Vice-Presidential debate and sent this updated version of his famous maxim – “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be Sarah Palin.”

Sarah Palin emphatically said that John McCain knows how to win wars. 5 years as a guest of the VietCong isn’t exactly winning. Oh, he’s counting the times they’ve played Risk.

McCain last week said that he’s consulted Sarah Palin “many times” on foreign policy. Let’s see – they’ve known each other about 6 weeks, she’s been to 2 countries that aren’t ours and she lives next door to Russia. McCain also announced that he’s consulting through a séance, the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith for help with the economy.

That 3rd grade class that Palin gave a shout-out to at the debate… They’ve learned their lessons well from her. They’re refusing to answer any questions their teachers are asking, preferring to just go to their talking points. When asked to multiply 7 by 36, little 3rd grader Nevaeh Beaumont said, “That plan is just a white flag of surrender.”

When told that the bailout of Wall Street would cost every man, woman and child in America about 2,300 dollars, John McCain said “And I bet Obama taxes that.” When told that the 2,300 dollars wasn’t really theirs to being with, McCain said,
“The Democratic plan to tax non-existing money is reprehensible.” When told he was still confused on the issue, McCain said, “That Jeter’s a hell of a shortstop.”

New Political Web Series Called Everything Matters

Hello, I just wanted to post a quick blog entry to invite you to see what I've been working on with Blind Lyle Films. Below is one of our videos that is mocking our wonderful VP Candidate Sarah Palin.

Remember to goto our youtube channel, subscribe to the videos, rate them and comment on them. Finally, e-mail the link to your friends.


Friday, October 3, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/3/08 - Evening Edition - V.P. Debate Wrap-Up

So the pundits are saying that Sarah Palin didn’t show any human emotion after Joe Biden’s heartfelt story about losing his wife and daughter and almost losing his sons. I was more concerned with her lack of humanity when she never once stopped to move the hair from her bangs that was poking he in the eye all night. A real human being would’ve simply moved it away. But not Sarah. I half expected to see her slice open her eyeball to reveal a glowing red light and lots of circuitry like Arnold as the Terminator.

So Palin would like to see increased powers for the next Vice President? How much you want to bet that she’ll believe it if she’s told the next V.P. will have X-ray vision?

Today in Pakistan a US drone missile killed twelve suspected terrorists. And at last night’s debate, Sarah Palin’s droning talking-point answers killed another 37.

Sarah Palin was upset she didn’t use one of her zingers last night – she was hoping to be asked her views on evolution and she was going to answer,”Yes, I am a creationist. A job creationist!” When told that under 8 years of Republican rule millions of jobs have been lost she smiled and said, “That’s just history talk.”

If George Santayana were alive today he’d say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be Sarah Palin.”

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Palin's Alaska as a Microcosm of Everything

And Alaska isn’t just a microcosm of America. It turns out that Alaska is a microcosm of any place on the planet.
According to Palin and the McCain campaign, Alaska’s proximity (that’s “closeness” for all the other Joe 6-Packs out there like Sarah) to Russia makes her a foreign policy expert. Palin has stated that Russia is separated from Alaska by just a narrow maritime strip. Greece and Turkey are also separated by a narrow maritime strip.
Therefore, Alaska is just like Greece and Turkey.
Alaska has Native Americans, commonly called Indians. India also has Indians. Therefore Alaska is just like India.
And let’s not forget the West Indies; places like Jamaica. It follows that Alaska is just like Jamaica and the West Indies.
Using Sarah Palin logic, can you see how her foreign policy expertise and experience simply grows at an exponential rate?
The question must be why was she not put to better use as Secretary of State where her formidable foreign policy
genius could have been put to better use?
But back to her microcosm.
Alaska has mountains. Lots of countries have mountains, such as Nepal, Tibet, Peru, Chile, and Romania.
This makes Alaska a microcosm of all those countries and just like them. As Sarah Palin famously put on a bumper sticker as Governor of Alaska, Alaska is just like Romania, only without the vampires. Our tourism rates shot up after people saw they wouldn’t be bitten by the undead if they came here.
Alaska has ice. Lots of countries have ice, like that cute Iceland, and Norway, and even places like Brazil which have electricity and can make ice in those little hotel room refrigerators. So Alaska is just like a microcosm of Iceland and Norway
and Brazil and places with electricity and hotels just about anywhere.
Alaska also has seals and polar bears and so many places with zoos and aquariums have seals and polar bears so Alaska is just like them. I mean, the Berlin Zoo has that cute little polar bear Knut so in a very real way Alaska is just like Berlin
which is in Germany. But not the bad Berlin or Germany with those bad people, the Nazis. Alaska isn’t like Germany with Nazis. We’re more like the Germany with regular white people who aren’t Nazis. And our seals and polar bears aren’t Nazis either. And while I was Governor I had a tanning bed put in the Governor’s mansion so I could add a little color to the usual Arctic white skin tone we tend to get up in the far North. And by tanning myself I felt a kinship with all the tannish people of the world so in that way Alaska, or me representing Alaska, was myself a microcosm of all the tannish, darker, non-White people in the world. So Alaska is then a microcosm of Africa and Asia and Latin America and South America and most of New York City. That tanning bed provided me with so much foreign policy knowledge and experience.
So as you can plainly see, Alaska is just like any other place on Earth.
With a really high rate of sex crimes.

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Morning Edition

Sarah Palin said yesterday that Alaska is like a microcosm of America.
Let’s look at the population figures from 2006. 70.7% of Alaskans are white.
15.4% of Alaskans are Alaska Natives or American Indians. So rounding off,
71% of Alaskans are white and 15% are Native Americans.
White people and Indians. Yeah, Alaska is a microcosm of America.
America in 1847.

Just Discovered - the text of a "Real Sarah Palin" ad

"Hello, I'm Sarah Palin and I'd like to just talk to you, the American people as me, Sarah Palin. So you get to know the real me, so you can see the real me, preacher. So you can see the real me, doctor. And so you can see the real me, mother. Those lines are from a rock and roll song that Todd and I don't really listen to cause rock and roll is bad and causes homosexuality but we sometimes play it real loud when we don't want the kids to hear us fooling around in our evangelical Jesus loving way. Sound really carries in Alaska and that's another reason I am a foreign policy expert cause that means not only can I see Russia from here but I can hear Russia also. ‘Course my preacher says that could be the radio transmissions coming in through the fillings in my teeth which the liberals pushed through Congress back in the sex and drug sixties so they could brainwash us while we sleep. Which is why I sleep with my mouth open so the transmissions just go out into the room and not into my head and anyway, Todd, my first dude, well he just loves that my mouth is open like that all night. Anyway, I hope you're getting an idea of what me, I, myself, the real Sarah Palin is or are like. I'm just like you, and you, and you. You know I can't really see you but what I'm doing there is using what we mothers call "the imagination dealie". That's where we make things up to make life more fun and just better for our kids, of which I have like 5. We make up things like dinosaurs and evolution and dna and the law of gravity, like no ones' ever broken that, I mean, planes go up, rockets go up, and they only come down when we say come down, or make them come down. I lost a balloon years ago with track or trig or trailer park, one of my kids, and it hasn't come down yet so there goes that "law" of gravity stuff. That balloon went up and never came down so if the elite liberal scientists are going to lie about that they'll lie about everything. I'm Sarah Palin and this is the real me."

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Early Morning Edition - pt. 2

Indian officials said the stampede which killed 147 was worsened by devotees of the goddess Durga who brought cracked coconuts as offerings which slickened the temple floor with coconut milk making escape impossible. Through a spokesperson, the Hindu mother Goddess Durga said, “I’m very sorry for the pain and suffering and the loss of human life. On the other hand, I really like coconut milk.”

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Early Morning Edition

When interviewed by Katie Couric yesterday, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin could not name one newspaper or magazine that she reads that helps shape her world view. In a snap-poll taken right after the footage aired, 89% of voters now think the Bridge to Nowhere is simply the space between her ears.

Palin may have won the all-important Adults Who Retreat into Childishness when Confronted with Hard Questions vote when her answer to a question about her worldview was answered with – “I see Russia but not France, I’ve seen Putin’s underpants.”

Which was still better than her first answer. When asked what her worldview was she originally said, “Round.” And then after a pause she added, “But we should teach Flat Earth-ism because science can never be too sure.”

Good to know the American people care about the issues. In an online poll, 9 million people voted on this question – “Is Sarah Palin’s lipliner a tattoo?” Imminent financial meltdown, possible depression, and let’s not forget two wars and global terror. But most importantly, “Is Sarah Palin’s lipliner a tattoo?” And here I thought Lipliner and Tattoo were two of her kids.

To celebrate the opening of Bill Maher’s Religulous, a film about the intellectual inconsistencies of blind religious faith, 147 pilgrims were killed in a stampede at a Hindu shrine in India.

Indian officials said the stampede was worsened by devotees of the goddess Durga who brought cracked coconuts as offerings which slickened the temple floor with coconut milk making escape impossible.

And since this is the 21st century, this line from the New York Times – “It was the second deadly religious tragedy in the past few months in India, where pilgrim stampedes are not uncommon.” So to be clear – India 2008, a nation in contrast – nuclear weapons, outsourced American high-tech jobs, and pilgrim stampedes!!!

We might consider importing the idea of pilgrim stampedes. They might make those boring grade school Thanksgiving pageants easier to sit through. Or run from.

The dolphins at a Japanese aquarium are going on a diet after visitors noticed they weren’t jumping as high out of the water at their shows. Officials blamed the problem on the dolphins’ high fat diet of mackerel. The dolphins blame their weight gain on the fact that they are enslaved by men who spend night after night drunk in strip clubs and grown women who dress like middle-school versions of Sailor Moon and their unhappiness at their situation translates to extra pounds. That and shitloads of mackerel.