Bristol Palin’s mother-in-law was arrested today for running a meth lab
out of her house in Wasilla, Alaska. Let’s look at a few of the small-town
values on view in Sarah Palin’s immediate and extended family – teenage
pregnancy, unprotected sex, sex before marriage, drug taking, drug making,
drug selling, and a marked inability to name any book, magazine or newspaper
that you have read or read regularly. Yep, that’s our Sarah – too busy
looking over at Russia to see what’s going wrong in her own backyard.
Illinois Governor and noted Elvis fan Rod Blagojevich says he is innocent and
will fight the federal charges against him until his last breath. To support his
case he’s hired a famous defense attorney and released an mp3 of himself
singing “Suspicious Minds.”
Actor Jeremy Piven has walked off Broadway where he was appearing in David
Mamet’s Speed the Plow. Piven claims he has mercury poisoning due to his
habit of eating sushi daily for years. David Mamet responded to Piven’s quitting
by saying “Fuck Jeremy Piven, fuck mercury, fuck mercury the element and
fuck mercury the planet and fuck mercury the messenger of the gods.”
He added, “Fuck poison, fuck Poison the hair band and just for the hell of it
fuck Brett Michaels of Poison too. “
In the Minnesota Senatorial race recount, a vote with Lizard People written
above the name Norm Coleman was counted while one with Brett Favre written
over Al Franken’s name was not. The state board criteria was that Lizard People
was clearly not a real vote but the one for Brett Favre was. So basically the
criteria is if you’re just a lunatic and wrote-in Lizard People your vote counts,
but if you’re a dick and thought you were funny and wrote in Brett Favre your
vote doesn’t count. The joke’s on them as Sarah Palin just announced she’s
running as the Lizard People candidate for President in 2012. Makes sense.
Palin is cold-blooded, hasn’t fully evolved, and had to have an expensive
make-up artist on call during the election because of her dry, scaly skin.
The pirates of Somalia have told the world press that they became pirates to
make money which would help them attract the ladies. On the pirates’ Facebook
page, their interests are listed as “throwing people overboard, murdering innocent
sailors, and breaking global maritime law. Piracy must work because on the same Facebook page the pirates are all listed as “In a Relationship.”
Showing posts with label Blagojevich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blagojevich. Show all posts
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Everything Matters - 12/11/08 Afternoon Edition
Brad Pitt’s new movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, is up for a slew of Best Picture awards from major critics across America. It’s about a man who ages backwards – starts out old and ends up young. In L.A. it’s also known as The Dyan Cannon Story for the actress who was born in 1937, married Cary Grant in 1965, and based on her appearance at L.A. Laker games, is now 19 years old.
Also at the movies, Ron Howard’s new film, Frost/Nixon, about the 1970s David Frost interviews with disgraced former President Richard Nixon is getting good reviews but is not expected to do well at the box office. That’s because a similarly themed movie came out a few years back and did terribly – how many of you remember Griffin/Hitler, about the weird Merv Griffin interviews with disgraced former Fuehrer Adolf Hitler?
In the works however, should Frost/Nixon do well are Kimmel/Cheney, Letterman/Mugabe, and my favorite, The Ladies of The View/Putin.
Rod Blagojevich is refusing to resign as Governor of Illinois. He’s been indicted on federal charges of trying to sell the open Senate seat of President-Elect Barack Obama.
Funny, usually when your last name’s Blagojevich you’re not the Governor of Ilinois, you’re the former Serbian strongman being tried at the Hague for crimes against humanity. On second thought, having seen his hair, he should be tried at the Hague
for crimes against humanity.
Blagojevich is blaming the whole thing on bad luck. Yes, a black cat did cross his path. And then somehow it ended up on his head.
The Congress voted to give 14 billion in loans to GM, Ford and Chrysler. They’ll also create a “car czar”. The “Car Czar” will have 3 duties - oversight over the auto industry, raise environmental standards and create greener cars, and of course, as Czar, bring the Romanoff monarchy back to Russia.
I love how in the United States, a democracy, we’ve “borrowed” or “co-opted” the word Czar from Russia, our big enemy during the Cold War and the model for totalitarianism.
Need someone to run the war on drugs – Drug Czar. Need someone to oversee the bailed-out auto industry – Car Czar. I shouldn’t worry, it’s just a word. I’ll worry more when the Car Czar sends out the Cossacks to kill labor unionists, intellectuals and Jews.
The indicted Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is claiming he did nothing wrong. He wasn’t selling off the Senate seat. After watching the Federal Government bail out the banks, Wall Street and the auto industry, he was just looking to for the bail-out of Blagojevich Incorporated. Of which he is the only employee.
On the taped phone calls the government is using to build their case, Blagojevich can be heard saying “Fuck Obama” and Obama’s people “don’t want to give me anything but appreciation.” Soon he’ll be getting much more – an 8 x 12 cell, a metal toilet, and a 6’8” roommate with a shaved head named 8-Ball.
When Blagojevich says “Fuck Obama” on the tapes he’s upset because Obama didn’t represent the change that he needed. Matter of fact, he didn’t want change at all.
He wanted a million dollars in small bills, non-sequential serial numbers. But no change.
Senator David Vitter, Republican of Louisiana, has called the auto industry bail-out “ass backwards”. Considering Vitter was a client of the DC Madam and liked to be dressed
in big, adult diapers when he met with prostitutes, thinking of Vitter and anything “ass backwards” is almost as unpleasant a picture as the roadkill perched on top of Rod Blagojevich’s head.
Ever since the Watergate scandal brought down Nixon in disgrace and he was forced to resign, every scandal anywhere has to have the suffix GATE attached. The current one in Illinois is no exception – Blago-Gate is what they’re calling it. First of all, Blago has no rhythm, no poetry. Blago sounds like someone who fights Popeye, or a weird minor character from Lord of the Rings, like a cousin of Bilbo or Frodo.
How about these alternatives to Blago-Gate –
1. Senate Fantasy Camp – Not just a week-end, spend 6 years with the Senators – only a million bucks.
2. Bla-Gate-Evich – it gets the Gate in there but keeps his Serbian heritage intact.
3. F@@k Obama Gate – it keeps Obama’s name front and center and is the number one choice among Republicans.
4. Spinning Lincoln-Gate – based on the great line about Illinois corruption from U.S. Attorney Patrick Sullivan.
5. Dirtier than Louisiana/New Jersey/Nevada/Arizona Gate – pick any of the other scandal-ridden states to make your comparison.
6. Spitzer wanted Pussy, I wanted Money Gate – two stupid Governors in one. And you get 2 of the 3 biggest cities in America.
Also at the movies, Ron Howard’s new film, Frost/Nixon, about the 1970s David Frost interviews with disgraced former President Richard Nixon is getting good reviews but is not expected to do well at the box office. That’s because a similarly themed movie came out a few years back and did terribly – how many of you remember Griffin/Hitler, about the weird Merv Griffin interviews with disgraced former Fuehrer Adolf Hitler?
In the works however, should Frost/Nixon do well are Kimmel/Cheney, Letterman/Mugabe, and my favorite, The Ladies of The View/Putin.
Rod Blagojevich is refusing to resign as Governor of Illinois. He’s been indicted on federal charges of trying to sell the open Senate seat of President-Elect Barack Obama.
Funny, usually when your last name’s Blagojevich you’re not the Governor of Ilinois, you’re the former Serbian strongman being tried at the Hague for crimes against humanity. On second thought, having seen his hair, he should be tried at the Hague
for crimes against humanity.
Blagojevich is blaming the whole thing on bad luck. Yes, a black cat did cross his path. And then somehow it ended up on his head.
The Congress voted to give 14 billion in loans to GM, Ford and Chrysler. They’ll also create a “car czar”. The “Car Czar” will have 3 duties - oversight over the auto industry, raise environmental standards and create greener cars, and of course, as Czar, bring the Romanoff monarchy back to Russia.
I love how in the United States, a democracy, we’ve “borrowed” or “co-opted” the word Czar from Russia, our big enemy during the Cold War and the model for totalitarianism.
Need someone to run the war on drugs – Drug Czar. Need someone to oversee the bailed-out auto industry – Car Czar. I shouldn’t worry, it’s just a word. I’ll worry more when the Car Czar sends out the Cossacks to kill labor unionists, intellectuals and Jews.
The indicted Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is claiming he did nothing wrong. He wasn’t selling off the Senate seat. After watching the Federal Government bail out the banks, Wall Street and the auto industry, he was just looking to for the bail-out of Blagojevich Incorporated. Of which he is the only employee.
On the taped phone calls the government is using to build their case, Blagojevich can be heard saying “Fuck Obama” and Obama’s people “don’t want to give me anything but appreciation.” Soon he’ll be getting much more – an 8 x 12 cell, a metal toilet, and a 6’8” roommate with a shaved head named 8-Ball.
When Blagojevich says “Fuck Obama” on the tapes he’s upset because Obama didn’t represent the change that he needed. Matter of fact, he didn’t want change at all.
He wanted a million dollars in small bills, non-sequential serial numbers. But no change.
Senator David Vitter, Republican of Louisiana, has called the auto industry bail-out “ass backwards”. Considering Vitter was a client of the DC Madam and liked to be dressed
in big, adult diapers when he met with prostitutes, thinking of Vitter and anything “ass backwards” is almost as unpleasant a picture as the roadkill perched on top of Rod Blagojevich’s head.
Ever since the Watergate scandal brought down Nixon in disgrace and he was forced to resign, every scandal anywhere has to have the suffix GATE attached. The current one in Illinois is no exception – Blago-Gate is what they’re calling it. First of all, Blago has no rhythm, no poetry. Blago sounds like someone who fights Popeye, or a weird minor character from Lord of the Rings, like a cousin of Bilbo or Frodo.
How about these alternatives to Blago-Gate –
1. Senate Fantasy Camp – Not just a week-end, spend 6 years with the Senators – only a million bucks.
2. Bla-Gate-Evich – it gets the Gate in there but keeps his Serbian heritage intact.
3. F@@k Obama Gate – it keeps Obama’s name front and center and is the number one choice among Republicans.
4. Spinning Lincoln-Gate – based on the great line about Illinois corruption from U.S. Attorney Patrick Sullivan.
5. Dirtier than Louisiana/New Jersey/Nevada/Arizona Gate – pick any of the other scandal-ridden states to make your comparison.
6. Spitzer wanted Pussy, I wanted Money Gate – two stupid Governors in one. And you get 2 of the 3 biggest cities in America.
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