25 THINGS ABOUT ME THAT FACEBOOK NOW OWNS

25 Things About Me That Facebook Now Owns

(Or Would Own if they didn’t go back to their old policy of not owning them)
(some tangible, some just memories…)

1. any and all social security benefits (I’m at the tail-end of the generation that
still might get them)
2. all those pictures in those big plastic tubs of dead relatives I don’t know the names of
3. my love and pride when I just think of my daughter chloe or my son danny
4. 3 giant sized containers of montreal steak seasoning (at Costco I always assume
I need this)
5. 2 tickets to see Bruce in Atlanta on April 26th (at least can I go with Facebook?)
6. all those wonderful memories of a young me and the young her I met at the NYU bookstore all those years ago
7. any recollection of game 7 of the knicks championship victory over the lakers; the famous “willis is going to play” game. I WAS THERE!
8. the taste of my mother’s “sliced meat” – I didn’t know it was just “pot roast” until I was about 35
9. my all-time favorite song, The Way You Look Tonight, sung by Sinatra
10. my 3 favorite movies of all-time, genres be damned – The Philadelphia Story,
The Magnificent Seven, and Trainspotting
11. and the Big Lebowski
12. the memory of the first time I saw daphne – she was being kissed by jack marion
13. the time I got Alfred kicked out of yankee stadium cause I was throwing stuff from the upper deck down at frank robinson of the orioles after he clearly DID NOT CATCH roy white’s game-winning homer
14. the small nostril-sized vicks nasal inhaler that my brother Harvey used to stick in my nose and hold it in what we called, pre-cheney, “the torture”
15. every issue of the believer magazine and the first 7 of the national lampoon when it was fucking funny
16. my father’s ashes and his recipe for “roskas”
17. 4 containers of Tropicana orange-tangerine juice
18. my mother telling me we won’t drink minute maid because Bing Crosby is a major shareholder and he does their commercials and he beats his kids and he’s an anti-semite
19. at 19, 2 weeks in the tuolomne meadows in a tent in Yosemite with a gorgeous girl from rolling hills estates, California
20. the great pleasure I took in closing the door of E-124 and talking with the kids about anything and everything
21. the one fork from my mother with the bent tine that I use to beat the eggs
22. my bacon-of-the-month club certificate and how shana doubled my cholestrol
23. I have seen every super bowl and now so has facebook
24. Walton ford, alex gross, mark ryden and r. crumb on my walls
25. late-night dinners and conversation at terroni on beverly

Everything Matters - 12/19/08 - Evening Edition

Bristol Palin’s mother-in-law was arrested today for running a meth lab
out of her house in Wasilla, Alaska. Let’s look at a few of the small-town
values on view in Sarah Palin’s immediate and extended family – teenage
pregnancy, unprotected sex, sex before marriage, drug taking, drug making,
drug selling, and a marked inability to name any book, magazine or newspaper
that you have read or read regularly. Yep, that’s our Sarah – too busy
looking over at Russia to see what’s going wrong in her own backyard.

Illinois Governor and noted Elvis fan Rod Blagojevich says he is innocent and
will fight the federal charges against him until his last breath. To support his
case he’s hired a famous defense attorney and released an mp3 of himself
singing “Suspicious Minds.”

Actor Jeremy Piven has walked off Broadway where he was appearing in David
Mamet’s Speed the Plow. Piven claims he has mercury poisoning due to his
habit of eating sushi daily for years. David Mamet responded to Piven’s quitting
by saying “Fuck Jeremy Piven, fuck mercury, fuck mercury the element and
fuck mercury the planet and fuck mercury the messenger of the gods.”
He added, “Fuck poison, fuck Poison the hair band and just for the hell of it
fuck Brett Michaels of Poison too. “

In the Minnesota Senatorial race recount, a vote with Lizard People written
above the name Norm Coleman was counted while one with Brett Favre written
over Al Franken’s name was not. The state board criteria was that Lizard People
was clearly not a real vote but the one for Brett Favre was. So basically the
criteria is if you’re just a lunatic and wrote-in Lizard People your vote counts,
but if you’re a dick and thought you were funny and wrote in Brett Favre your
vote doesn’t count. The joke’s on them as Sarah Palin just announced she’s
running as the Lizard People candidate for President in 2012. Makes sense.
Palin is cold-blooded, hasn’t fully evolved, and had to have an expensive
make-up artist on call during the election because of her dry, scaly skin.

The pirates of Somalia have told the world press that they became pirates to
make money which would help them attract the ladies. On the pirates’ Facebook
page, their interests are listed as “throwing people overboard, murdering innocent
sailors, and breaking global maritime law. Piracy must work because on the same Facebook page the pirates are all listed as “In a Relationship.”