Monday, February 2, 2009

Everything Matters - 2/2/09 - Andrea Mitchell Edition

Everything Matters – 2/2/09 – Late Afternoon Edition

Let’s talk about Andrea Mitchell of MSNBC. To regular watchers of MSNBC it is clear
that Mrs. Greenspan (she’s married to Alan Greenspan, the economist and former head of
the Fed who still has not seen the complete meltdown of global finance. Or his part in same.)
is, if not hitting the Phelpsian bong, on some sort of high-priced Dr. Nick prescribed
medication when she is on camera. She cannot ask a simple question because she is unable
to utter or complete a simple sentence. Her breathy, aspirating, stop and start, circuitously tortuous interviews make Christopher Walken line readings seem utterly normal as human speech. Add to that a wide-eyed, Keane painting total lack of affect on her face, Ms. Mitchell comes across as the News Reader from Deliverance, a porch-sitting inbred who looks like the traumatized aunt of the teenaged traumatized victim in a ludicrous American remake of a somewhat less ludicrous Japanese horror film. She is unable to speak in a clear, coherent
manner which makes her painful to listen to and to watch. MSNBC should have a 24 second clock on screen, right near the omnipresent logo, and if she is unable to get her question out in that time, a loud horn blares, she loses possession and the person being interviewed, invariably some Confederate, I mean southern Republican lunatic like Richard Shelby or Mitch McConnell gets to speak to whatever they were going to speak to anyway. Since her questions are unable
to be deciphered as such, her guests don’t answer them. They can’t. There’s no agreement with subject and verb, subject and predicate or subject and interviewer. Please, MSNBC, an intervention is in order, if only to salvage what is left of the real Andrea Mitchell. And the
sooner she’s off the air, the sooner my fantasy MSNBC hot chcocolate with vanilla cream three-way of me with Tamron Hall and Contessa Brewer can replace Andrea’s spacey face in my subconscious. Back to you, Contessa. Oh yeah.

Today, Punxsutawney Phil came out, saw his shadow, realized that winter would last 6 weeks longer, so he asked the Federal Government for 400 billion dollars to pay the added cost of
home heating oil. The Democrats agreed but Senate Republicans, led by Richard Shelby of Alabama and David Vitter of Louisiana sad no to the bailout. And ate him.

If Michael Phelps can win 8 gold medals in one Olympics while smoking some righteous herb, isn’t it about time we legalize this shit? Phelps, who should also be getting the gold for beating the strict Olympic drug-testing procedures, said that his urine samples always came straight from the pool… where they were mixed with the urine samples of every other swimmer.
In a part of the drug-testing regimen that may have to be revised, Olympic swimmers are allowed to pee in the pool after it was discovered that all swimmers, Olympic or otherwise, pee in the pool.

A volcano erupted about 90 miles northwest of Tokyo, coating parts of the city in a fine white ash. Scarlett Johanson, misunderstanding, said she would love to be back in Tokyo showing off her fine, white ass.

Relatives of disgraced Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff are considering changing their last name so as not to be connected to the man who lost 50 billion dollars belonging to others. Some of the less infamous last names being considered are Hitler, Stalin and Schickelgruber.

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