Everything Matters - 2/8/09 - Grammy Awards Edition

Everything Matters – Grammys Edition

Okay, some basic truths:

Craig Ferguson had maybe the best awards show intro patter ever when he
introduced Katy Perry as “the bi-curious Katy Perry”.

Al Green has earned the right to never sing on stage with Justin Timberlake.
And about Timberlake’s intro of the Rev. Green, does anyone, anywhere believe
that in Memphis, Al Green lived “down the road” from Justin Timberlake.

On the same theme, Stevie Wonder has earned the right to never have to sing on
stage with the Jonas Brothers.

I give the lead singer Jonas Bro 2 years before he splits and goes solo.
And why do I think women have nothing to worry about when he takes his stupid
promise ring off?

Kid Rock surprised the shit out of me – this boy has pipes. And soul.

Kate Beckinsale is absolutely gorgeous. Please do a movie that isn’t vampires
and werewolves. And film it at my house.

The female half of Sugarland kicks major ass.

Paul McCartney and Robert Plant, both living history, almost one hundred years
of rock and roll between them and clearly part otter. How do they still manage to
have every hair on their heads that they had at 17?

And thank god neither of them wore that same doofus hipster hat shared by Jack Black,
Jason Mraz, Justin Timberlake, and many others.

The single coolest hat of the night was the giant black almost flat killer Western preacher
deal worn by Kid Rock’s guitarist. But only the second coolest guitarist of the night.
that was Carrie Underwood’s lady guitarist with the 50’s country music blonde cascading
curls.

I love that Gwyneth Paltrow is a huge fan. She was visibly thrilled to be introducing
Radiohead.

And any second of Radiohead is better than the entire careers, past, present and future
of the Rap Pack (as Latifah called them), Jay-Z, TI, Kanye West, and Lil Wayne.

M.I.A. seemed to be almost exactly the same size, vertically, as Kanye, Jay-Z, TI,
and Lil Wayne. In contract talks, Kanye West had demanded that his bulge be bigger
than hers. When it was pointed out that she was 9 months pregnant, Kanye simply said,
“Ain’t mine.”

Who knew? Samuel L. Jackson is friends with Justin Timberlake.
And Morgan Freeman is friends with Kenny Chesney.

Just for the record, the major Motown legend should always be introduced as
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Bill “Smokey” Robinson” and never just
Smokey Robinson.


Ne-Yo somehow made the doofus hipster hat cool. And I am definitely going to
download some Ne-Yo from Itunes.

Surprises: Katy Perry – prettier than I thought. The USC Marching Band has not lost
anything since Tusk. And Jack Black is 3 feet tall.

Neil Diamond looks like a weird cross between today’s Martin Landau and Montgomery Clift.

Must there be commercials for Friday the 13th during this show. Or ever.

Lamest Grammy participant intro – “…the star of something something Witch Mountain,
Duane Johnson.” He was slightly less lame than Gary Sinise or the Mentalist guy.
Thank you CBS for all the lame CBS show people.

Best rap superstar shout-out that will never be repeated – Lil Wayne saying, “Robin Thicke, yo.”

And the single most surreal moment – Lil Wayne and Robin Thicke duetting on
“Feets don’t fail me now.”

There are only 5 members of the Dirty Dozen Brass Band. What’s up with that?

Separated at birth – Jack Black and T-Pain.

Tom Petty, call T-Pain, he’s got your hat.

Zoey Deschanel is Katy Perry.

T-Bone Burnett looks like someone who knew Andrew Jackson. Or Henry Clay.
Or John C. Calhoun.

Most demonic drummer ever with neon green socks – the drummer backing up Robert Plant
and Alison Kraus.

Not bad.