Everything Matters - 2/23/09 - Oscars Wrap-Up Edition

Everything Matters – 2/23/09 – Oscars Wrap-Up

Things I Learned During Last Night’s Oscars:

Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller are the same size. Which makes them the
same size as the kids from Slumdog.

When they had the 5 previous winners in the acting categories stand in an arc
and look all noble and serious (i.e. Tilda Swinton wearing Greek statue drapery)
it reminded me of numerous ludicrous Star Trek episodes where Greek gods or
super-aliens stand around in an arc looking all noble and serious as they force
Kirk and Spock to fight for their lives and the lives of the crew of the Enterprise.

And wouldn’t it have livened up the show if Supporting Actress nominees
Amy Adams and Penelope Cruz had to fight for the Oscar AND their lives?!
And the lives of the crew of the Enterprise?!

Robert Pattinson, the young male vampire from Twilight, has yin sanpaku eyes.
Sanpaku eyes is the Japanese concept for "three whites," wherein the white of the eye
is visible below the iris, above the lower lid. Thought by some to indicate ill health, mental imbalance, and a possible foretelling of tragedy; thought by others to be very sexy and charismatic. Other famous people with Yin Sanpaku eyes include Marilyn Monroe, JFK, RFK and Abraham Lincoln. This is the single most interesting thing about this
remarkably vapid-looking actor.

While we’re talking vapidity, Zac Efron’s face has no affect. None. He looks like
he could be a soulless serial killer or rolled up inn a ball, rocking for hours in that little cabinet under the sink.

In the Oscar swag given to the stars last night, each A-lister got to take home a
Slumdog kid.

Stiller was brilliant as Serpico-wannabe Joaquin Phoenix. Brad Pitt’s already
planning to top him. Next year Pitt’s going to show up with Octo-Mom Nadya
Suleman and fuck with everybody.

Or better yet, Billy Bob Thornton, Angelina’s ex, shows up with Nadya Suleman.

I’m Daniel Craig. I’m James Bond. I sleep with the most beautiful, most glamorous, sexiest women alive. And I’m presenting an Oscar with Sarah Jessica Parker???
Everybody’s grandmother would refer to her looks as “interesting”. Which is
Grandmother-speak for “sheesh”.

Phillipe Petit did magic and balanced the Oscar on his chin. He was great.
Next year’s host – the guy at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco who does both
those things AND juggles chainsaws.

Two great things about last night’s show – No Jack Nicholson and no Robin Williams
making 37 references to Jack Nicholson.

I know she makes movies and I know some may have made money. But does anyone really think that Jennifer Aniston is a movie star???

Is there a soul who thought that both Sean Penn and Jerry Lewis would epitomize graciousness? Penn’s acceptance speech was heartfelt, pointed and smart.
And Lewis was classy and brief. And just as he did after not winning for Dreamgirls,
and even though he was presenting the award, Eddie Murphy left the Oscars immediately after NOT winning the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award.

Has Beyonce’s mother ever made clothes for anyone other than Beyonce and her sister?
Were any of the last night’s stars wearing anything from the Beyonce’s Mother’s
Collection?

Greatest acceptance speech ever – the Japanese guy who won an animation Oscar
and thanked his pencil, the Academy and animation itself. And then actually said,
Domo arigato, Mister Roboto. And somewhere in “classic rock world”, Dennis de
Young of Styx has to buy another round for Loverboy and Air Supply.

Sophia Loren knew Machiavelli personally. And she still looked great.

Steve Martin and Tina Fey are now comedy’s Tracy and Hepburn. And in 20
seconds they obliterated the lunacy that is the “religion” called Scientology.
Obama, you want to balance the budget? Take away Scientology’s tax-exempt status.

Insufferable? Pretentious? Smug? Meet Jack Black.

The guy who won for Speilzeugland said it took 4 years to make a 14 minute movie.
That’s 3 and a half minutes a year. I think James Franco and Seth Rogen as the stoners
in Pineapple Express work at a faster pace. Which leads me to believe that unified Germany has some really great pot.

Meryl Streep’s daughter’s name is Mamie Gummer. Amazingly enough, “Mamie? Gummer.” is what Dwight Eisenhower used to say to his wife when he was feeling stressed out.

When they didn’t see Owen Wilson at the Oscars did any of his friends go to his
house to make sure he was okay?

Little-known Oscar fact: Ryan Seacrest is not allowed inside the building.

Prior to last night’s show, Kate Winslet’s dad could only be heard by dogs and
Kate Winslet.