Monday, December 29, 2008

Redneck Slumdog Millionaire - Trailer

We loved the original film by Danny Boyle Slumdog Millionaire so much that we made our own American Redneck version called Redneck Slumdog Millionaire.

You can see the trailer here

Redneck Slumdog Millionaire

Just for fun, compare it to the original trailer seen here.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Problem with Heaven - Rick Warren at the Inauguration

Rick Warren, who based on his weight could be the Queen of Tonga if he
wasn’t the homophobic pastor of the evangelical Saddleback Church in Lake
Forest, California, has made lots of folks angry lately. It wasn’t enough that he
publicly supported California Proposition 8 which amended the state constitution
to ban same-sex marriages. No, there’s footage of him telling a Jewish woman
that of course she’s going to Hell if she doesn’t embrace Jesus. And it doesn’t take a beautiful mind to extrapolate that to mean that all those who don’t embrace Jesus are going to Hell. Which means that Heaven is reserved for Christians. And people are pissed.

My question is WHY?
Rick Warren says I’m going to Hell because I don’t believe in Jesus.
My response is – I don’t even believe in your Hell. I don’t believe in your Heaven.
I don’t believe in your God. Or his Son.

And I would add that all the other Jews and Muslims and Hindus and animists and atheists and agnostics and believers and non-believers of all kinds on the planet
would agree.

Because religion is about believing YOUR FAIRY TALE. Not the other guy’s.

Tolerance of other religions or belief systems is a phony proposition.

Each religion is the One True Way. Each religion is the Path to Salvation.
Each religion is The Truth.

Which means that all others are FALSE. I’ll make it even more clear. All the others are a pack of phony-baloney lies. Let’s not beat around the Burning Bush here.

Believe what you want to believe. Knock yourself out. Religious tolerance always comes with a shrug and rolled eyes and a bit of a snort. So sing your songs of praise and learn about your miracles and your saints and your pillars of wisdom and your keys to a faithful life. I repeat, knock yourself out.

Those are yours. For your belief systems. For your religions.
They have nothing to do with me.
Not while I’m alive and certainly not after I’m dead.

The Mormons, who oddly enough also made a big deal about supporting California Proposition 8, are going around and baptizing the dead of other religions. In their thinking this makes them Mormons in the next life and then forever. They’re doing this to Jewish Holocaust victims and making lots of Jews and others nervous. But again, the question is WHY?

Mormon Heaven, Mormon Hell, Mormon baptizing practices have no meaning to me and they certainly have no meaning to dead Jewish Holocaust victims. Because to me and to them – Mormon Heaven doesn’t exist, Mormon Hell doesn’t exist, and knock yourself out in your baptismal pools but getting folks wet in other people’s names and adding your mumbo-jumbo doesn’t make it real. It may be real to you in Salt Lake City just as Rick Warren’s Heaven and Hell may be real in Lake Forest.

So for all the millions of human beings slaughtered and enslaved in the name of religion through the years I offer this –

Rick Warren, you can go to your Heaven. And you can certainly go to your Hell.

Mormons, same with you. Go to your Heaven, go to your Hell.

But you can’t make me go and you can’t take me with.

And when I’m in D.C. for Obama’s inauguration and Rick Warren is giving the invocation I promise not to boo or hiss or make a scene. Now that’s tolerance.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Everything Matters - 12/19/08 - Evening Edition

Bristol Palin’s mother-in-law was arrested today for running a meth lab
out of her house in Wasilla, Alaska. Let’s look at a few of the small-town
values on view in Sarah Palin’s immediate and extended family – teenage
pregnancy, unprotected sex, sex before marriage, drug taking, drug making,
drug selling, and a marked inability to name any book, magazine or newspaper
that you have read or read regularly. Yep, that’s our Sarah – too busy
looking over at Russia to see what’s going wrong in her own backyard.

Illinois Governor and noted Elvis fan Rod Blagojevich says he is innocent and
will fight the federal charges against him until his last breath. To support his
case he’s hired a famous defense attorney and released an mp3 of himself
singing “Suspicious Minds.”

Actor Jeremy Piven has walked off Broadway where he was appearing in David
Mamet’s Speed the Plow. Piven claims he has mercury poisoning due to his
habit of eating sushi daily for years. David Mamet responded to Piven’s quitting
by saying “Fuck Jeremy Piven, fuck mercury, fuck mercury the element and
fuck mercury the planet and fuck mercury the messenger of the gods.”
He added, “Fuck poison, fuck Poison the hair band and just for the hell of it
fuck Brett Michaels of Poison too. “

In the Minnesota Senatorial race recount, a vote with Lizard People written
above the name Norm Coleman was counted while one with Brett Favre written
over Al Franken’s name was not. The state board criteria was that Lizard People
was clearly not a real vote but the one for Brett Favre was. So basically the
criteria is if you’re just a lunatic and wrote-in Lizard People your vote counts,
but if you’re a dick and thought you were funny and wrote in Brett Favre your
vote doesn’t count. The joke’s on them as Sarah Palin just announced she’s
running as the Lizard People candidate for President in 2012. Makes sense.
Palin is cold-blooded, hasn’t fully evolved, and had to have an expensive
make-up artist on call during the election because of her dry, scaly skin.

The pirates of Somalia have told the world press that they became pirates to
make money which would help them attract the ladies. On the pirates’ Facebook
page, their interests are listed as “throwing people overboard, murdering innocent
sailors, and breaking global maritime law. Piracy must work because on the same Facebook page the pirates are all listed as “In a Relationship.”

Monday, December 15, 2008

Twilight Movie Review from Everything Matters

See what the crap you get from typical Hollywood with Movies about not fucking and sequels of sequels of sequels.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Everything Matters - 12/11/08 - Movie Mash-Up Edition

I love the end of the year in movies. All the top 10 lists, the best of the year, the worst of the year. And especially the movies that are nominated for awards – Ny Film Critics, LA Film Critics, Golden Globes, Oscars…
But as much as I love the movies, I’d love to see not so much sequels and prequels as mash-ups – movies that are made, like music mash-ups, of 2 or more movies mashed together to make one new movie.
The Dark Knight Vicky Cristina Barcelona – Tag line - a 3 way we’d all like to see.
Milk The Wrestler – the story of America’s first openly gay WWE wrestler. Tag line – He pinned his opponents inside the ring and married them outside. Except in California.
Frost/Nixon Burn After Reading – Tag line – Burn After Taping is More Like it.
Milk Man on Wire – A gay French aerialist tightropes across the twin towers – just to deliver the milk.
Mamma Mia Defiance – Russian Jews fight back against the Nazi war machine, all to bouncy sing-along ABBA hits.
The Dark Knight Happy-Go-Lucky – A new Batman, now on Prozac.
Rachel Getting Married 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days – a lot can happen before Rachel gets married.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Kung-Fu Panda – Brad Pitt as you’ve never seen him before – An endangered species… who fights back!
The Reader, The Visitor, The Duchess, The Dark Knight – this year’s Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. And Jim Carrey’s all of them!
Slumdog Millionaire In Bruges – The weirdest Craigslist personal ad in Belgium. And see who answers!

Everything Matters - 12/11/08 Afternoon Edition

Brad Pitt’s new movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, is up for a slew of Best Picture awards from major critics across America. It’s about a man who ages backwards – starts out old and ends up young. In L.A. it’s also known as The Dyan Cannon Story for the actress who was born in 1937, married Cary Grant in 1965, and based on her appearance at L.A. Laker games, is now 19 years old.

Also at the movies, Ron Howard’s new film, Frost/Nixon, about the 1970s David Frost interviews with disgraced former President Richard Nixon is getting good reviews but is not expected to do well at the box office. That’s because a similarly themed movie came out a few years back and did terribly – how many of you remember Griffin/Hitler, about the weird Merv Griffin interviews with disgraced former Fuehrer Adolf Hitler?
In the works however, should Frost/Nixon do well are Kimmel/Cheney, Letterman/Mugabe, and my favorite, The Ladies of The View/Putin.

Rod Blagojevich is refusing to resign as Governor of Illinois. He’s been indicted on federal charges of trying to sell the open Senate seat of President-Elect Barack Obama.
Funny, usually when your last name’s Blagojevich you’re not the Governor of Ilinois, you’re the former Serbian strongman being tried at the Hague for crimes against humanity. On second thought, having seen his hair, he should be tried at the Hague
for crimes against humanity.

Blagojevich is blaming the whole thing on bad luck. Yes, a black cat did cross his path. And then somehow it ended up on his head.

The Congress voted to give 14 billion in loans to GM, Ford and Chrysler. They’ll also create a “car czar”. The “Car Czar” will have 3 duties - oversight over the auto industry, raise environmental standards and create greener cars, and of course, as Czar, bring the Romanoff monarchy back to Russia.

I love how in the United States, a democracy, we’ve “borrowed” or “co-opted” the word Czar from Russia, our big enemy during the Cold War and the model for totalitarianism.
Need someone to run the war on drugs – Drug Czar. Need someone to oversee the bailed-out auto industry – Car Czar. I shouldn’t worry, it’s just a word. I’ll worry more when the Car Czar sends out the Cossacks to kill labor unionists, intellectuals and Jews.

The indicted Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is claiming he did nothing wrong. He wasn’t selling off the Senate seat. After watching the Federal Government bail out the banks, Wall Street and the auto industry, he was just looking to for the bail-out of Blagojevich Incorporated. Of which he is the only employee.

On the taped phone calls the government is using to build their case, Blagojevich can be heard saying “Fuck Obama” and Obama’s people “don’t want to give me anything but appreciation.” Soon he’ll be getting much more – an 8 x 12 cell, a metal toilet, and a 6’8” roommate with a shaved head named 8-Ball.

When Blagojevich says “Fuck Obama” on the tapes he’s upset because Obama didn’t represent the change that he needed. Matter of fact, he didn’t want change at all.
He wanted a million dollars in small bills, non-sequential serial numbers. But no change.

Senator David Vitter, Republican of Louisiana, has called the auto industry bail-out “ass backwards”. Considering Vitter was a client of the DC Madam and liked to be dressed
in big, adult diapers when he met with prostitutes, thinking of Vitter and anything “ass backwards” is almost as unpleasant a picture as the roadkill perched on top of Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Ever since the Watergate scandal brought down Nixon in disgrace and he was forced to resign, every scandal anywhere has to have the suffix GATE attached. The current one in Illinois is no exception – Blago-Gate is what they’re calling it. First of all, Blago has no rhythm, no poetry. Blago sounds like someone who fights Popeye, or a weird minor character from Lord of the Rings, like a cousin of Bilbo or Frodo.
How about these alternatives to Blago-Gate –
1. Senate Fantasy Camp – Not just a week-end, spend 6 years with the Senators – only a million bucks.
2. Bla-Gate-Evich – it gets the Gate in there but keeps his Serbian heritage intact.
3. F@@k Obama Gate – it keeps Obama’s name front and center and is the number one choice among Republicans.
4. Spinning Lincoln-Gate – based on the great line about Illinois corruption from U.S. Attorney Patrick Sullivan.
5. Dirtier than Louisiana/New Jersey/Nevada/Arizona Gate – pick any of the other scandal-ridden states to make your comparison.
6. Spitzer wanted Pussy, I wanted Money Gate – two stupid Governors in one. And you get 2 of the 3 biggest cities in America.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/29/08 - Morning Edition

So you do know that there is no Mrs. Joe the Plumber. Something about the
male threading on his pipes not really fitting into the female threading on hers.

Obama’s got a half hour campaign ad on TV tonight which people are calling
“very special”. Just what we need, another “very special” episode where Uncle
Obama talks to the cast of Two and a Half Men about the dangers of unsafe sex
and teenage drinking.

Doesn’t Joe the Plumber look like the giant gladiator Tigris of Gaul who’s sent
in to fight and kill Russell Crowe in Gladiator? But he ends up dead with the
sword in his foot? Raise your hands – how many of you would like to see
Joe the Plumber with a sword in his foot? Or to get him to shut the fuck up –
in his mouth?!

So you do know that there is no Mrs. Joe the Plumber. Something about his
pipes leaking early before her faucets were actually turned on.

McCain is having a Joe the Plumber rally at a lumberyard in Florida.
Obama had a crowd of a hundred thousand in Denver the other day and
a week before the election McCain is speaking before a hundred guys in Florida
with toolbelts and visible buttcracks. And all of them thinking the same thing –
“How do I get a shot at laying some pipe into Cindy McCain?”

Sarah Palin gave a speech on energy policy this morning where she said
we need to build 45 more nuclear power plants. Actually she said 45
“nuke-u-ler” power plants. Hey, crazy lady, if you can’t fucking say it you
can’t fucking build it!!!

Palin did say what she’d do with the nuclear waste generated by those
45 “nuke-u-ler” power plants she wants to build.And she listed – New York,
San Francisco, Washington, D.C…

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/28/08 - After Lunch Edition

Vanity Fair has filed a Freedom of Information Act request to get the records of a 1964 car crash in which a young (let’s say “younger” since McCain was never young) John McCain may have been involved in a deadly car crash which has been covered up for years. So now McCain’s not just like George Bush, he’s like Laura Bush as well since the First Lady ran a stop sign as a young woman in Texas and killed someone.
McCain votes like Bush 90% of the time and he drives like Laura the other 10%.

Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was convicted yesterday of corruption for not reporting 250 grand worth of goods and services for his home. To make matters worse, under Obama’s tax plan, anything under 250 grand wouldn’t be taxable anyway!!!

Sarah Palin told Sean Hannity that she likes being in the underdog position.
Which accounts for most of her support from male voters who salivate just
thinking of Palin in the underdog position.

I love the Republicans. Now they’re saying that one party rule didn’t work
out so well for them so don’t let the Democrats do it either. The new Republican
slogan – We’re all gonna lose so vote for me.

Convicted felon Senator Ted Stevens – doesn’t he look like something that
should be looking back at you from inside an aquarium.

Convicted Senator Ted Stevens said he’s too old to go to jail.
Sarah Palin agreed and volunteered to shoot him from a helicopter.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/27/08 - Evening Edition

In Hollywood, the movie Max Payne finished second in the box office numbers last week. And in politics, Max Payne, otherwise known as John McCain, is doing his best
to finish second as well.

Leaks from the McCain campaign are calling Sarah Palin names like Diva and Rogue. Just what I’m looking for in a Vice President – someone who’s a little bit J-Lo and a little bit uncanny X-Men.

With 8 days to go McCain is falling further behind. He needs Joe the Plumber now more than ever cause his chances to the White House are in the toilet.

Over the weekend US forces attacked militants in Pakistan and Syria, two countries we are not at war with. Until now.

The McCain campaign is calling Obama things like socialist, communist, Marxist.
No wonder McCain likes that Arizona desert heat. He’s still fighting the Cold War.

McCain calls Obama, Pelosi and Reid a dangerous threesome. Hey, a dangerous threesome is won the NBA title for the Celtics last year.

Famed mystery novelist Tony Hillerman died today in New Mexico.
Foul play is suspected but Navaho police officers Joe Leaphorn and Jim
Chee are already on the case.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/21/08 - Hollywood Edition

Let’s face it, if Hollywood were to remake Frank Capra’s classic It’s A Wonderful Life and base it on the Republican policies that lead to the collapse of the global economy, the Bailey Building and Loan Association would foreclose on everyone in Bedford Falls, George Bailey would commit suicide and take half the town with him, and Clarence Odbody, the Guardian Angel would plummet to Earth in a fireball cause he would never get his wings. They could even use another movie title to show the true horror of the world left behind after 8 years off George Bush – Apocalypse Now.

Everything Matters - 10/21/08 - Xmas Sing-Along Edition

John McCain has said that if/WHEN he loses that "he has a great life" and he'll simply go back to Arizona. Well, here's the Xmas carol we want the whole McCain clan to sing on Xmas eve around the Yule log - a carol specifically designed to go over just how poorly his campaign was run.

The 12 Days of John McCain’s Christmas

On the first day of xmas the campaign gave to me a bad joke as a V.P.

On the 2nd day of xmas the campaign gave to me 2 voter frauds

On the 3rd day of xmas the campaign gave to me 3 bill ayers

On the 4th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 4 facial tics

On the 5th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 5 robo calls

On the 6th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 6 banks a-closing

On the 7th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 7 senate seats lost

On the 8th day of xmass the campaign gave to me 8 town halls missing

On the 9th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 9 we’re all georgians

On the 10th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 10 blue states once red

On the 11th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 11 pundits switching

On the 12th day of xmas the campaign gave to me 12 joe the plumbers

Monday, October 20, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/20/08 - Evening Edition

After a front page report in the New York Times, the McCain campaign is releasing more of the candidate’s medical records. They’re doing so chronologically. So far we know McCain had measles when he was 6, mumps when he was 7 and he survived the Black Plague in 1348.

McCain’s endgame for his campaign is to endlessly repeat the words – socialist, terrorist, Muslim and baby-killer. The Yaser Arafat estate tried to get a cease and desist order against McCain, claiming that Arafat’s reputation as the world’s most famous socialist, terrorist, Muslim baby-killer was being damaged.

The Taliban stopped a bus in southern Afghanistan and beheaded as many as 30 passengers. The Taliban left notes for the international media, they sent videos to
the international media, and they broadcast tapes of the murders.
John McCain blamed Barack Obama.

This year’s World Series is a match-up between the Philadelphia Phillies and
the Tampa Rays. Phillies is urban slang for a marijuana cigarette and Tampa is
well-known as a cigar-making city. So it’s basically the Up in Smoke Series –
Cheech and Chong vs. Garcia y Vega. Or simpler, homegrown vs. subsidized.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/19/08 - Serious Edition

What Do We Do If:

The GOP has their way and the voter rolls across America are purged by
the thousands? The ten thousands? The hundred thousands? The MILLIONS?

Suppression of Democratic voters goes unchecked and countless Americans
just can’t vote?

Untold numbers of “provisional ballots” are relegated to the dustbin of history?

We wake up on Wednesday, November 5th to another stolen election and the nightmare scenario of a President McCain and a Vice-President Palin?

What Do We Do Then?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/16/08 - Afternoon Edition

Super investor Warren Buffet today said “Buy American stocks. I am.”
Warren Buffet has 35 billion dollars. Americans who aren’t Warren Buffet
said “We’d love to but we’re too busy trying to buy American food,
American clothing and American shelter.”

The Supreme Court ruled today and stopped a GOP effort to suppress the
vote in Ohio. Don’t get too happy. In the spirit of fairness the Court also
ruled that the GOP COULD suppress the vote in the other 49 states.

Headlines everywhere are blaring that Sarah Palin’s staff are keeping her away
from the news so she won’t get depressed. Which proves that this latest version
of the Terminator T-1000 DOES have human emotions.

So Sarah Palin’s staff is keeping her away from the news so she won’t get
depressed. Funny, every time I read about her or see her in the news I get
depressed. And she’s been a public figure for all off 6 weeks now. Have you
seen how depressed the stock market has gotten in that time???

John McCain, down in all the polls, is looking into what he calls “a narrow
victory scenario.” Basically it means that after Obama is inaugurated,
McCain would become King of Arizona and Alaska.

I’m sorry but doesn’t Joe the Plumber look like he should be fighting Rick Flair
and Ivan Koloff in a cage match? Loser leaves town.

How many of you are aware that Oliver Stone’s movie about Bush, W., is the prequel
to Spike Lee’s movie X, about Malcolm X? As Malcolm himself would’ve said,
“George Bush destroyed this country… by any means necessary.”

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/16/08 - Afternoon Edition

After last night’s 3rd and final debate (with apologies to Budd Schulberg’s On the Waterfront):


Int. Hofstra University Debate Hall – Night

Deserted. Bob Scheiffer is gone. The people and media types are gone.
Barack and Michelle are gone. Cindy McCain is gone. In a darkened dressing
room, only George Bush and John McCain remain. Tension and the threat of
violence in the air.

Look, kid, er, old man, I - how much you weigh, John?
When you weighed one hundred and sixty-eight pounds
you were beautiful. You coulda been another Billy Conn,
and that skunk you got for a campaign manager, he brought
you along too fast.

It wasn't him, George, it was you. Remember that night
in the Senate you came down to my dressing room and you
said, "Kid, er, old man, this ain't your night. The country’s
going for the price on Obama." You remember that? "This
ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Obama apart!
So what happens? He gets the title shot on January 20th
outdoors in D.C. and what do I get? A one-way ticket
to Palooka-ville! You was my President, George, you shoulda
looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just
a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.

Oh I had some bets down for you. You married that beer
heiress. You saw some money.

You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a
contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which
is what I am, let's face it. It was you, George.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/15/08 - After Lunch Edition

The polls say that McCain is hurting his chances by only using attacks. All Obama has to do tonight to win the debate and blow McCain away – utter the two magic words – “Duck season.” McCain will come back with “Rabbit season” and on into the night and the debate and the election are lost!!!

McCain says that he’s the more experienced, he’ll have “the steady hand on the tiller.” Don’t think I want this bozo steering the ship of state? This is the Navy flier who crashed two planes before he even got to VietNam.

And what’s with McCain’s “steady hand on the tiller” crap? We’ve seen our retirement income disappear and Wall Street collapse after 8 years of Republicans. Republicans never mean a “steady hand on the tiller”, they mean a “steady hand IN the till!”

The McCain campaign is now paying for robocalls to folks in North Carolina, Missouri, Colorado and Wisconsin slamming Obama’s patriotism and saying that he puts Hollywood above America. When I hear the word “robocall” the first thing I think
of is Robocop which was a pretty damn good Hollywood movie. And the bad guys in Robocop were big-shot businessmen.
Kind of like today. Hey, Hollywood’s not so bad. I’m voting for Obama.

Everything Matters - 10/15/08 - Lunchtime Edition

Dick Cheney was headed to the hospital this morning to “restore his normal heart rhythm.” No truth to the rumor that he was accompanied by weapons manufacturer Tony Stark.

Dick Cheney is off to the hospital today to “restore his normal heart rhythm.” Most leading doctors told him they couldn’t help him with his heart problem… said he’d have to consult first with a certain Doctor Wizard in Oz.

McCain went on record today about possible voter fraud in Florida. He said that ACORN has registered Mickey Mouse to vote. Hey genius, ever been to Orlando? Disney World? Not only is Mickey registered to vote, he’s the fucking Mayor!

There are Obama for President ads in the latest Xbox 360 games out on the market. To counter this futuristic move, the McCain campaign is buying space in the new Sears and Roebuck catalog which will feature McCain wearing “long pants”;
John McCain will be meeting both Buster Brown and Buck Rogers in this Sunday’s comics;
and lastly, they’re coming out with a two-page chromolithograph suitable for framing of an heroic McCain fighting off the Sioux at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/14/08 - After Lunch Edition

Tim Mahoney, the Florida Congressman who succeeded Mark Foley after he resigned because of a sex scandal, is now involved in a sex scandal of his own. Foley, of course, sent pages of emails to male House pages. Got that? Pages of emails to male House pages. Foley was found guilty by the Court of It Sounds Like an Old Danny Kaye Song.

It seems Congressman Mahoney paid off a former mistress to the tune of $121,000.
And that was before the economic meltdown. But it did coincide with his own.

Paul Krugman, Princeton professor and New York Times columnist, won this year’s Nobel Prize in Economics, for his work in “analysis of trade patterns and location of economic activity.” Let’s see – I go to a store (a location of economic activity) and
I give them money and get something in return (analysis of trade pattern). As my grandmother would say, “For this he got a Nobel Prize?”

Everything Matters - 10/14/08 - Late Lunch Edition

The McCains are perfect for each other – when it comes to Ayers, she puts them on and he talks of nothing but.

McCain today compared Barack Obama to Herbert Hoover, the Republican President at the start of the Great Depression, forgetting that George Bush is the Republican President at the start of this Depression. Other things McCain forgot today – any numbers after seven, what pizza tastes like, and the name of “that guy with the hair” on Seinfeld.

Have any scientists noticed that global warming is affecting all the Earth’s polar ice except the massive frigid glacier that is Cindy McCain?

You do know that John McCain, famous for his temper, recently called his wife Cindy the C-word? Yes, if Hemingway were alive he’d be rewriting The Old Man and the C? The story’s the same – an old man in search of younger tail.

Nice to see all the make-up that Cindy McCain puts on her face each day. Did you know the colors of her make-up can change when she senses danger?

Today John McCain unveiled his long-awaited economic plan. He’s going to have 11 families of celebrities live in whichever of his houses he and Cindy aren’t in at the moment. His plan is called Who Cares: I Married a Hundred Million Dollars!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/10/08 - Lunchtime Edition

An evolutionary haiku

Dinosaurs lived with
Men and Sarah Palin’s proof
She walks among us

Based on the hatred and race-baiting used in the McCain-Palin campaign, shouldn't her problems
in Alaska be renamed "Storm-Troopergate?"

China banned an herbal drug after 3 deaths. 3 deaths? For China, that's like a drop of milk in the ocean.
Wait. China, please don't dump any of your milk in the ocean.

Colorado is going to review how it purges its voting roles. In the past the rules to purge were - "vaguely Spanish", "Jamal is black or Muslim", and oh yeah, that's Jewish".

Everything Matters - 10/10/08 - Morning Edition

A Sarah Palin Haiku:

Palin on Newsweek
Can't airbrush in or retouch
Sorely lacking soul

A Republican ticket haiku:

McCain P.O.W.
Sarah Palin wingnut MILF
Acronyms from Hell

The McCain-Palin campaign issued a report that has exonerated Sarah Palin in the Alaskan Troopergate scandal. At the same time they've issued a report which blames Senator Obama for the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Cubs abject failure in the 2008 NL Divisional Series.

A 2008 Campaign Biblical Haiku

And lo, John Mc-Cain
Is so clearly un-Abel
Don't let him play God

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/9/08 - Lunchtime Edition

The first country to fall in the wake of the global financial meltdown is Iceland. The Icelandic government announced today that they were going bankrupt. They said their problems began a thousand years ago when their real estate investment
in Vinland didn’t pay off.

McCain said today that he was forced to go negative because Obama wouldn’t agree
to 10 town hall meetings. He was forced! This has now become the Bush rationale
for waterboarding and other forms of torture. The terrorist captives wouldn’t agree
to ten town hall meetings. We were forced to torture them!

Cindy McCain attacked Obama by saying his vote on a troop funding measure sent a cold chill through her body. Considering the Ice Princess has a standard body temperature of about 10 below zero, how could she tell?

Cindy McCain went to Alaska to campaign for Sarah Palin and won the
State Fair award for Best Ice Sculpture.

The Republican Party keeps saying that McCain’s use of the term “that one” at the debate has no racial subtext. Interesting. In other news, Mississippi and Alabama have revealed the design of their Presidential ballots. It’s lists McCain as the Republican nominee and That One as the Democratic.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/8/08 - Afternoon Edition

So the Daily News reports that John McCain is taking a supplement that folks with Alzheimer’s and senile dementia are taking. Nice. The bad news is he’s taking it. The good news is that he’s remembering to.

A lot of to-do over the fact that McCain referred to Obama as “that one” last night at the debate. Not that bad. Considering that during his debate practice he kept referring to Obama as Kid Chocolate, Mandingo-bama, and M.C. Bama, the Illest
man in Illlinois, “that one” isn’t that bad.

At McCain-Palin events in the past few days audience members have screamed out “terrorist”, “treason”, and “kill him” when Obama’s name has been mentioned. The amazing thing is they yell out the same epithets when Jim Belushi’s name is mentioned.

Today, Conservative columnist for the New York Times, David Brooks, said that “Sarah Palin represents a fatal cancer to the Republican party.” The Republican party, much like it’s Presidential nominee John McCain refused to reveal its medical records.

John McCain’s economic plan at last night’s debate was to buy up lots of bad mortgage debt. Which is what the recently passed 700 billion dollar bailout is going to do. Later his campaign also announced that McCain is against slavery in
the Missouri Territory and would argue strenuously to repeal Prohibition.

And a great new Everything Matters YouTube video from the Obama rally in Asheville, NC on 10/5/08


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/7/08 - Lunchtime Edition

Sarah Palin is quite the pitbull. From prison, Michael Vick said if he had a bitch like Sarah, he never would’ve lost a dogfight.

Today, McCain-Palin rallies are turning increasingly ugly with crowds lashing out at the media and Obama. Tonight they plan to add Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals to their list.
And tomorrow… tomorrow, the world.

The McCain-Palin campaign is so covered in slime you’d think they just won a Kid’s Choice Award on Nickelodeon.

After seeing Sarah Palin get dirtier and sleazier with each day, Joe Biden, realizing he shook hands with her at their debate, voluntarily started getting rabies shots.

Joe Biden voluntarily started a series of painful rabies shots today after realizing he shook hands with Sarah Palin at their debate last week. “I knew she was a pitbull”, he said.
“I just didn’t know she was rabid.”

The Republican Party, upset at charges that they are trying every trick in the book to suppress the vote, have hired a watchdog group to oversee the polls in all 50 states.
The watchdog group is staffed completely by ex-Chinese milk inspectors.

Possibly my favorite headline ever – “Duchovny leaves rehab for sex addiction.”
Hey, if I ever leave rehab, you can be damn sure I’m headed straight for sex addiction.

It’s not just the collapse of global markets and imminent worldwide depression.
As if you needed more proof that the 1930s are back in a big way this headline in the Times – Germany seeks wider role for Army. And you know by wider they mean Poland, France,

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/4/08 - Late Afternoon Edition

This just in – Philosopher George Santayana rolled over in his grave during the Vice-Presidential debate and sent this updated version of his famous maxim – “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be Sarah Palin.”

Sarah Palin emphatically said that John McCain knows how to win wars. 5 years as a guest of the VietCong isn’t exactly winning. Oh, he’s counting the times they’ve played Risk.

McCain last week said that he’s consulted Sarah Palin “many times” on foreign policy. Let’s see – they’ve known each other about 6 weeks, she’s been to 2 countries that aren’t ours and she lives next door to Russia. McCain also announced that he’s consulting through a séance, the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith for help with the economy.

That 3rd grade class that Palin gave a shout-out to at the debate… They’ve learned their lessons well from her. They’re refusing to answer any questions their teachers are asking, preferring to just go to their talking points. When asked to multiply 7 by 36, little 3rd grader Nevaeh Beaumont said, “That plan is just a white flag of surrender.”

When told that the bailout of Wall Street would cost every man, woman and child in America about 2,300 dollars, John McCain said “And I bet Obama taxes that.” When told that the 2,300 dollars wasn’t really theirs to being with, McCain said,
“The Democratic plan to tax non-existing money is reprehensible.” When told he was still confused on the issue, McCain said, “That Jeter’s a hell of a shortstop.”

New Political Web Series Called Everything Matters

Hello, I just wanted to post a quick blog entry to invite you to see what I've been working on with Blind Lyle Films. Below is one of our videos that is mocking our wonderful VP Candidate Sarah Palin.

Remember to goto our youtube channel, subscribe to the videos, rate them and comment on them. Finally, e-mail the link to your friends.


Friday, October 3, 2008

Everything Matters - 10/3/08 - Evening Edition - V.P. Debate Wrap-Up

So the pundits are saying that Sarah Palin didn’t show any human emotion after Joe Biden’s heartfelt story about losing his wife and daughter and almost losing his sons. I was more concerned with her lack of humanity when she never once stopped to move the hair from her bangs that was poking he in the eye all night. A real human being would’ve simply moved it away. But not Sarah. I half expected to see her slice open her eyeball to reveal a glowing red light and lots of circuitry like Arnold as the Terminator.

So Palin would like to see increased powers for the next Vice President? How much you want to bet that she’ll believe it if she’s told the next V.P. will have X-ray vision?

Today in Pakistan a US drone missile killed twelve suspected terrorists. And at last night’s debate, Sarah Palin’s droning talking-point answers killed another 37.

Sarah Palin was upset she didn’t use one of her zingers last night – she was hoping to be asked her views on evolution and she was going to answer,”Yes, I am a creationist. A job creationist!” When told that under 8 years of Republican rule millions of jobs have been lost she smiled and said, “That’s just history talk.”

If George Santayana were alive today he’d say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be Sarah Palin.”

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Palin's Alaska as a Microcosm of Everything

And Alaska isn’t just a microcosm of America. It turns out that Alaska is a microcosm of any place on the planet.
According to Palin and the McCain campaign, Alaska’s proximity (that’s “closeness” for all the other Joe 6-Packs out there like Sarah) to Russia makes her a foreign policy expert. Palin has stated that Russia is separated from Alaska by just a narrow maritime strip. Greece and Turkey are also separated by a narrow maritime strip.
Therefore, Alaska is just like Greece and Turkey.
Alaska has Native Americans, commonly called Indians. India also has Indians. Therefore Alaska is just like India.
And let’s not forget the West Indies; places like Jamaica. It follows that Alaska is just like Jamaica and the West Indies.
Using Sarah Palin logic, can you see how her foreign policy expertise and experience simply grows at an exponential rate?
The question must be why was she not put to better use as Secretary of State where her formidable foreign policy
genius could have been put to better use?
But back to her microcosm.
Alaska has mountains. Lots of countries have mountains, such as Nepal, Tibet, Peru, Chile, and Romania.
This makes Alaska a microcosm of all those countries and just like them. As Sarah Palin famously put on a bumper sticker as Governor of Alaska, Alaska is just like Romania, only without the vampires. Our tourism rates shot up after people saw they wouldn’t be bitten by the undead if they came here.
Alaska has ice. Lots of countries have ice, like that cute Iceland, and Norway, and even places like Brazil which have electricity and can make ice in those little hotel room refrigerators. So Alaska is just like a microcosm of Iceland and Norway
and Brazil and places with electricity and hotels just about anywhere.
Alaska also has seals and polar bears and so many places with zoos and aquariums have seals and polar bears so Alaska is just like them. I mean, the Berlin Zoo has that cute little polar bear Knut so in a very real way Alaska is just like Berlin
which is in Germany. But not the bad Berlin or Germany with those bad people, the Nazis. Alaska isn’t like Germany with Nazis. We’re more like the Germany with regular white people who aren’t Nazis. And our seals and polar bears aren’t Nazis either. And while I was Governor I had a tanning bed put in the Governor’s mansion so I could add a little color to the usual Arctic white skin tone we tend to get up in the far North. And by tanning myself I felt a kinship with all the tannish people of the world so in that way Alaska, or me representing Alaska, was myself a microcosm of all the tannish, darker, non-White people in the world. So Alaska is then a microcosm of Africa and Asia and Latin America and South America and most of New York City. That tanning bed provided me with so much foreign policy knowledge and experience.
So as you can plainly see, Alaska is just like any other place on Earth.
With a really high rate of sex crimes.

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Morning Edition

Sarah Palin said yesterday that Alaska is like a microcosm of America.
Let’s look at the population figures from 2006. 70.7% of Alaskans are white.
15.4% of Alaskans are Alaska Natives or American Indians. So rounding off,
71% of Alaskans are white and 15% are Native Americans.
White people and Indians. Yeah, Alaska is a microcosm of America.
America in 1847.

Just Discovered - the text of a "Real Sarah Palin" ad

"Hello, I'm Sarah Palin and I'd like to just talk to you, the American people as me, Sarah Palin. So you get to know the real me, so you can see the real me, preacher. So you can see the real me, doctor. And so you can see the real me, mother. Those lines are from a rock and roll song that Todd and I don't really listen to cause rock and roll is bad and causes homosexuality but we sometimes play it real loud when we don't want the kids to hear us fooling around in our evangelical Jesus loving way. Sound really carries in Alaska and that's another reason I am a foreign policy expert cause that means not only can I see Russia from here but I can hear Russia also. ‘Course my preacher says that could be the radio transmissions coming in through the fillings in my teeth which the liberals pushed through Congress back in the sex and drug sixties so they could brainwash us while we sleep. Which is why I sleep with my mouth open so the transmissions just go out into the room and not into my head and anyway, Todd, my first dude, well he just loves that my mouth is open like that all night. Anyway, I hope you're getting an idea of what me, I, myself, the real Sarah Palin is or are like. I'm just like you, and you, and you. You know I can't really see you but what I'm doing there is using what we mothers call "the imagination dealie". That's where we make things up to make life more fun and just better for our kids, of which I have like 5. We make up things like dinosaurs and evolution and dna and the law of gravity, like no ones' ever broken that, I mean, planes go up, rockets go up, and they only come down when we say come down, or make them come down. I lost a balloon years ago with track or trig or trailer park, one of my kids, and it hasn't come down yet so there goes that "law" of gravity stuff. That balloon went up and never came down so if the elite liberal scientists are going to lie about that they'll lie about everything. I'm Sarah Palin and this is the real me."

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Early Morning Edition - pt. 2

Indian officials said the stampede which killed 147 was worsened by devotees of the goddess Durga who brought cracked coconuts as offerings which slickened the temple floor with coconut milk making escape impossible. Through a spokesperson, the Hindu mother Goddess Durga said, “I’m very sorry for the pain and suffering and the loss of human life. On the other hand, I really like coconut milk.”

Everything Matters - 10/1/08 - Early Morning Edition

When interviewed by Katie Couric yesterday, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin could not name one newspaper or magazine that she reads that helps shape her world view. In a snap-poll taken right after the footage aired, 89% of voters now think the Bridge to Nowhere is simply the space between her ears.

Palin may have won the all-important Adults Who Retreat into Childishness when Confronted with Hard Questions vote when her answer to a question about her worldview was answered with – “I see Russia but not France, I’ve seen Putin’s underpants.”

Which was still better than her first answer. When asked what her worldview was she originally said, “Round.” And then after a pause she added, “But we should teach Flat Earth-ism because science can never be too sure.”

Good to know the American people care about the issues. In an online poll, 9 million people voted on this question – “Is Sarah Palin’s lipliner a tattoo?” Imminent financial meltdown, possible depression, and let’s not forget two wars and global terror. But most importantly, “Is Sarah Palin’s lipliner a tattoo?” And here I thought Lipliner and Tattoo were two of her kids.

To celebrate the opening of Bill Maher’s Religulous, a film about the intellectual inconsistencies of blind religious faith, 147 pilgrims were killed in a stampede at a Hindu shrine in India.

Indian officials said the stampede was worsened by devotees of the goddess Durga who brought cracked coconuts as offerings which slickened the temple floor with coconut milk making escape impossible.

And since this is the 21st century, this line from the New York Times – “It was the second deadly religious tragedy in the past few months in India, where pilgrim stampedes are not uncommon.” So to be clear – India 2008, a nation in contrast – nuclear weapons, outsourced American high-tech jobs, and pilgrim stampedes!!!

We might consider importing the idea of pilgrim stampedes. They might make those boring grade school Thanksgiving pageants easier to sit through. Or run from.

The dolphins at a Japanese aquarium are going on a diet after visitors noticed they weren’t jumping as high out of the water at their shows. Officials blamed the problem on the dolphins’ high fat diet of mackerel. The dolphins blame their weight gain on the fact that they are enslaved by men who spend night after night drunk in strip clubs and grown women who dress like middle-school versions of Sailor Moon and their unhappiness at their situation translates to extra pounds. That and shitloads of mackerel.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/30/08 - Morning Edition

Everything went down in value today as the stock market went down 777 points.
That Ukrainian freighter hijacked by Somali pirates was said to have 30 million dollars worth of arms and ammunition and the pirates wanted a 20 million dollar ransom.
Today the pirates said they’d settle for a signed photo of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.

In Israel, disgraced former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said Israel should pull
out of the West Bank. With the global economy failing, pulling out of any bank
makes perfect sense.

To put the 777 point loss in the stock market yesterday –
- Randy Moss, the wide receiver for the Patriots, has scored 762 points. That’s taken him 11 years.
- Tris Speaker, baseball Hall of Famer, hit 792 doubles. That took him 22 years.
- Gordie Howe scored 801 goals in ice hockey. That took him 34 years.
So in sports, on average, it takes about 22 years to hit or approach the number 777.
The stock market did it in one day. I worry what the next 22 years will look like here.

777 point drop in the stock market. Interesting that on the web, is “the home of serious gamblers.” Yeah, we know.

Bill Clinton may be going to Florida to campaign for Obama this week but his heart clearly isn’t in the whole Obama thing. He’ll only be speaking in Miami to nursing home patients with Alzheimer’s and he can’t be blamed if they forget to vote.

That’s at least a bit better than his original Florida schedule which only had him speaking in the Everglades to the all-important undecided-alligator vote.

Those Somali pirates who hijacked the Ukrainian ship filled with arms for Kenya now find themselves cornered on all sides by the US Navy. You hear that? The 21st century technologically advanced futuristic US Navy against Somali pirates in loincloths with swords. The pirates are obviously huge underdogs. Betting site says take the pirates and the points.

NASA announced yesterday that the space shuttle mission to fix the Hubble space telescope will be moved to 2009 after the election. Makes sense. The last thing Bush wants is anybody else out there seeing how bad things are here on Earth.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/29/08 - Late Night Edition pt. 2 - Predictions

I predict that Thursday's Vice-Presidential debate will not happen because Sarah Palin will not be there. The reasons for her non-appearance -
Bristol's water will break and the concerned mother and grandmother will rush to her side;
a moose will die outside the debate hall and need to be field dressed and butchered for freezing;
she's just too fucking dumb and she believes McCain when he says he'll Google-Map the directions for her and he's never used Google;
to show her support for Israel she's still celebrating Rosh Hashanah (even though the all-important first two nights are over);
she will be back in Alaska watching for the giant head of Vladimir Putin read his head over the Bering Straits;
she will be arrested for attempting to kill Katie Couric... and Tina Fey... and every other woman in America who is smarter than her.

I predict that John McCain will invade both Iran and Pakistan on January 21st, 2009. Whether he is President or not!

I predict that Sarah Palin, in an appeal to the evangelical base, will announce that her daughter Bristol and her baby-daddy Levi Johnston, will name their baby if it is a boy, Matthew Mark Luke and John-ston. And if it is a girl they will name the baby My Mom Made Me Have This Johnston.

I predict that oil billionaire T. Boone Pickens will pull a Montgomery Burns and rather than blot out the sun so we can't go solar will simply buy the wind.

And I predict that Todd Palin will never, ever, ever get another blow job.

Everything Matters - 9/29/08 - Late Night Edition

So Congressman Roy Blunt, a Republican from Missouri said that the economic bailout bill didn’t pass the House today because they had to rush the bill and its details because of the Jewish Holidays. Roy Blunt, Republican Congressman from Missouri, the Show-Me state…show me anti-Semitism!!!

The John McCain automatic speech writer – first you say the terrible thing that Obama did. And then you say “but America needs our help so we should never lower ourselves to talk about this”. Here’s an example: “Some have said that Obama drinks the blood of middle school virgins. But we should never let his dietary habits intrude upon the seriousness of the Presidential election.” It works for everything – “Obama was seen in a Japanese Zero in the skies above Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941. But the events of almost 70 years ago should never enter into the election process.”

Congressman Price from Georgia just said that he’d support a bailout bill if it included a reduction of capital gains taxes. That’s all the republicans want – more financial help for rich, white people. Lower capital gains taxes! Most Americans don’t have capital or gains!!!

ABC news said that with the wall street down almost 800 points today after the bailout failed in Congress, Americans lost 1.1 trillion dollars in the market today. I gotta tell you; if I find 1.1 dollars in the market, I’m fucking keeping it!!!

NASA announced today that it is snowing on Mars. And President Bush said that if the snowstorm on Mars gets any worse, FEMA will be there in about 87 years.

The stock market today finished lower than it was the day Bush was inaugurated.
Remember when he said he was a uniter, not a divider? Actually he’s both; he’s united both parties against him and divided all of us from our money. Actually, he’s not a uniter or a divider… he’s just a dick.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/27-9/28/08 - Late Night Edition

After last night’s performance at the first Presidential debate, John McCain is taking a lot of heat for not ever looking directly at Barack Obama. Give him a break. After years of opposition to regulatory oversight, McCain is not used to looking at anything too closely.

During the debate McCain made a big show of using the word “festooned.” Trying to win the votes of the vast number of undecided archaic word freaks, McCain then accused Obama of “ruthlessly pricking his gonfalon bubble”.

Last night at the debate John McCain never used the words “middle class” or the words “working people”. Not only didn’t he say them, he’s never met them either.

So at the debate last night John McCain didn’t use the words “middle class” or “working people” but he did use the word “festooned”. Great. The Republicans are running a man from the early 20th century using a word from the 19th century to try
to lead us into the 21st century.

At the debate McCain quoted Winston Churchill but didn’t give him credit; he made up a story about Dwight D. Eisenhower; and he mentioned something about Alexander the Great. To put aside any fears that he was out of touch and out of date, at the end of the debate McCain did sing the theme song from The Jeffersons while doing the Mashed Potato.

The first Presidential debate was held last night at the University of Mississippi, commonly called Ole Miss, which is also John McCain’s nickname for his first wife.

Just for the sake of nostalgia, last night at the first Presidential debate, the University of Mississippi had two doors to the stage – one door said Barack Obama and the other said White People.

The University of Mississippi just can’t seem to get its head around the way we live today. The official program for the Presidential debate last night at Ole Miss called it The Presidential Debate and Minstrel Show. And the pre-debate warm-up was Michelle and Barack Obama performing as the Tap-Dancing Ethiops.

Did anyone notice that John McCain’s eyes were so fully dilated last night at the debate that they looked like little black buttons instead of eyes? Eye doctors say this may be a sign of a permanent state of arousal. Great, McCain won’t release his medical records because he doesn’t want us to know he’s got an IV drip of Viagra going 24/7.

Or his eyes really are little black buttons and John McCain is really a snowman.

Terrible news out of China. As of yesterday, 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. And an hour after this report, 53,000 children were again sickened by drinking tainted milk.

The Chinese government is trying to put a good face on the fact that 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. The government announced today that none of the children has gotten sick by drinking milk at a school built before the recent earthquake.

When John McCain was told that Somali pirates had seized a Ukrainian freighter off the coast of Kenya his first reaction was to say, “Let’s see how this plays out. We may need those pirates to defeat the Spanish Armada.”

Let’s see, Somali pirates have seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. No, this is not level 3 of some video game. Somali pirates have really seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. They are, however, demanding 30 million dollars and the codes to get to level 7.

Every article about the Jonas Brothers talks about their vow of chastity until marriage and the fact that they all wear “promise rings” to show this to their fans. What isn’t said is how many millions of young fans are wearing similar rings that symbolize the fact that they promise they will never, ever have sex with any of the Jonas Brothers.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/26/08 - A Little Later Morning Edition

At the big White House meeting to save the economy yesterday, John McCain played bailout spoiler. Besides staying silent for 40 minutes, McCain offered no specifics and refused to say which side he was on in any bailout scenario. One person close to the negotiations said, “Bush is no diplomat but compared to McCain he’s Cardinal freaking Richelieu.” McCain said that he knew Cardinal Richelieu and please don’t drag his good friend Richie into this.

Yesterday Bush said, “If money isn’t loosened, this sucker could go down.” Today, ice princess and White House press secretary Dana Perino slipped when she said that Bush was not referring to the country as the sucker that could go down. No, Perino said, the sucker is the American people. Has been for 8 years.

Considering McCain’s incoherence and total lack of leadership and understanding of the economic crisis, Obama’s people have a new ad up. In it they say that McCain agrees with Bush more than 90 percent of the time and with Herbert Hoover 100 percent of the time.

McCain loves to talk about his time in VietNam. You watch, tonight at the debate he’ll say he was against the economic bailout cause the last time he bailed out he was a P.O.W.for 5 and a half years.

Gtreat. Just what I want in a President – a hot-head who brings up VietNam more than Walter Sobchek, the gun-toting, quick-to-anger character played by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski.

John McCain can be compared directly to the Wall Street meltdown. He’s old,
white, rich, with no idea as to how he got where he is today.

Everything Matters - 9/26/08 - Late Morning Edition

So McCain goes to Washington and sits silently in a meeting with Bush, Obama, and the major players in the bailout scenario. According to all published reports, McCain IS THE REASON there was no deal reached yesterday because he would not reveal what side of the deal he was on. Today McCain said, “Deal, no deal. The minute I see 26 supermodels with suitcases full of money I’ll decide.”

Deal or no deal. Bush says the future of the American economy is at stake here.
Wall Street has collapsed and the middle class is disappearing. And today Bush called
in his secret weapon to stop the bleeding. Tonight in primetime House Republicans, the group that skewed the deal yesterday and remain the last holdouts, will be asked by Howie Mandel, “Deal or no deal?”

The Bush Administration wants to save Wall Street. Barack Obama and the Democratic leadership want to save Main Street. And John McCain and the renegade House Republicans want to save K Street so they can go back to Easy Street.

The renegade House Republicans who blew the bailout deal yesterday are demanding
that capital gains taxes be rescinded for 2 years as part of any deal. Considering that working people have very little capital and certainly no gains, this is clearly a case of putting party before country.

The renegade House Republicans who are insisting on a 2 year moratorium on capital gains taxes before they’ll agree to an economic bailout are clearly putting party before country. With this in mind, I finally figured out why Republicans seemingly always have the edge in the polls when it comes to handling foreign policy. To Republicans, the United States is a foreign country. So everything they do is foreign policy.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Watch this now!!! Sarah Silverman - The Great Schlep!

Everything Matters - 9/25/08 Afternoon Edition

So there’s now footage all over the news of Sarah Palin at her church accepting the blessing of Pastor Thomas Muthee who asks Jesus to fund her political campaigns.
Then he throws in that she be protected from witchcraft. And what the hell, for good measure he kind of casually tosses in that Jews (he calls them “Israelites”) control the economy and that’s what’s causing all the corruption. Nice to know the woman running for VP in the 21st century is living in the 13th.

This all goes to prove that belief in witchcraft is the gateway drug to anti-Semitism.

This Pastor wanted Jesus to fund Palin’s political campaigns. Makes sense.
After Jesus chased the moneylenders from the temple, with the money he
confiscated Jesus started a Political Action Committee.

And if Palin were to raise millions of dollars with no records of who or where it’s
from she and the Republicans can now claim it came from Jesus. What can the Democrats do? Gonna take a lot of guts to swiftboat Jesus!

With Jesus now running the fundraising part of the Palin campaign we won’t be seeing a record of the following donation – Iscariot, Judas, 30 pieces of silver.

Ironically enough, once it became public knowledge that she is then only one of four major candidates protected from witchcraft, Palin announced that she will not be debating Joe Biden but she will be debating Harry Potter.

Last week the rumor that one of the players was using witchcraft at a soccer game in the Congo sparked a riot that killed about 30 people. I’m sure we all laughed and said, “Those funny Congolese, believing in witchcraft.” Now we hear that Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for Vice-President was blessed by a pastor to be protected from witchcraft. What are American women going to say? “She’s got 5 kids, she’s a hockey mom, and she’s protected from witchcraft. She’s just like us.”

It’s amazing. Wall Street is Albert Brooks in Lost In America asking Garry Marshall as the boss of the Desert Inn for his money back. Only now we have Bush and Paulson and Bernanke playing the part of the Vegas casino boss and this time they say they’re going to give the money back.

The Asking for the Money Back from a Vegas Casino Scene from LOST IN AMERICA


David walks very slowly towards Shuster's office. You
can tell he's thinking. He approaches the front desk
and clears his throat, trying to act dignified. The robe
diminishes this a bit.

(to the Clerk)
Mr. Shuster, the Pit Boss, may I
speak to him, please?

I don't know if he's in. Just a

The Clerk picks up the phone. He buzzes.

Yes. There's a gentleman here
to see you.
(to David)
What is your name?

I'm David Howard. He knows me,
we spoke on the telephone. My
wife was the one who was up for

(into phone)
David Howard. Yes. Yes.
(hangs up phone)
He'll be right out.

David stands there. He's thinking, staring straight
ahead. Out of an office emerges JACK SHUSTER, the Pit
Boss, the man we saw earlier. Shuster's a large man,
in his early fifties. He's as intimidating as his
job calls for. He looks like he might have killed
somebody once, and actually enjoyed it. He walks
over to David.

Mr. Howard? Come on in.



David tries to compose himself even more as he follows
Shuster into his office. David's story is now formed.
He knows what he wants to say. He feels confident.
David enters the office. He sits down in front of
Shuster's desk.

First of all, let me say, I've
heard a great deal about you.

What do you mean? From who?
What did you hear?

Oh, I just meant I've heard
wonderful things from everybody
in general, from the whole hotel.

Well, that's very nice. Thank

No, thank you.

Is your wife feeling better?

Yes, she is.

So, what can I do for you?

I have a very interesting idea.
I think you'll be taken by it.

Shuster stares at him.

I was a key executive with a major
advertising agency - one of the
biggest in the world.

Yes, right. So?

Well, I was the Idea Man there.
So, when I say I have an interesting
idea, I'm not speaking like any slob
that walks in off the street.


(clearing his throat,
about to enter into
The Big Story)
My wife and I, we dropped out of
society. She had a very important
position in a department store and
again, I remind you that I was one
of the highest executives in the
world's largest advertising firm.

Shuster just stares at him.

Anyway, we were going to find
ourselves. Then, we thought, maybe
we're too old, it's too late. We
can't find ourselves, that's only
for kids. And then we thought about
it some more and it hit us. Wait a
minute. Who's to say at what age
you stop being a kid?

You gotta have some age. How else
could a court separate rape from
fun? In this state, it's eighteen,
by the way.

Yes. But my point is we wanted
to find ourselves and we did and
we dropped out, just like they
did in "Easy Rider."

Easy what?

The movie, "Easy Rider." Famous
movie. Important movie.

Didn't see that, I'm sorry.

It's a classic. If it comes on
cable here, see it. Anyway, we
did something that no one has done
for a long time. Maybe no one has
ever done it because in the movie
they were movie stars, so they
didn't really do it, even though
they portrayed people that did it.

I'm getting mixed up here. What
is your point?

Well, we did it for real. We
quit our jobs and we sold everything
that we had. The only thing we own
is our little motor home, which is
parked outside. That's all we've
got and we were going to spend
years roaming around this beautiful
country, but we knew we couldn't
do it unless we had our little
nest egg tucked away in the bank.

I'm going off duty in a few minutes.
Now, your point is what?

I'm getting to it. Why did we
come to Las Vegas? Because it was
a new beginning and I wanted to
remarry my lovely wife. That's
nice, don't you think?

Very nice.

I wanted to get remarried but I
wanted to spend our honeymoon in
the Grand Canyon, places like we
intend to spend the rest of our
lives in, but my wife is very fond
of your hotel and all of the
employees and she said, "Oh, come
on, let's spend our honeymoon here."
And we did and the room was very
lovely and everybody was very nice
to us, but my wife lost the nest

Mr. Howard, stop right here. I
think I know what you're getting at.
I realize you've lost a great deal
here and I want you to know that
your room and your meals are comped.

That's very nice but that's not
exactly what I'm saying. I think
I have a multi-million dollar idea.
Now, you have to be very secretive
about what I'm going to tell you
because the other hotels, if they
heard about it, well, they'll grab
it in a minute.

David leans over Shuster's desk and whispers to make
the idea really sound secretive:

I think, as an experiment, you
give us back the money we lost.

I beg your pardon?

Well, imagine the publicity? I
mean, the Hilton, for example,
they have billboards all over L.A.
where they put the faces of the
winners of those slot machines.
Now, those people win a couple
hundred thousand dollars, but the
hotel is getting millions of
dollars of publicity with those
billboards because people drive
by and say, "Gee, the Hilton looks
like a nice place. Look at those
smiling people." So, what about a
billboard with my wife and I on it
and we would be smiling and there
would be a saying, something like,
"These people dropped out of society,
they couldn't take it any longer,
but they made a mistake. They
lost their nest egg at The Desert
Inn, but The Desert Inn gave it
back." And maybe there could be
some kind of a visual with you
handing us an egg or something.
Now I mean, I'm just formulating
this now, as I'm talking, but you
can imagine, when it's worked
out how effective it could be.

That's wonderful.
(he gets up)
Well, Mr. Howard, nice to meet

What do you mean nice to meet
me? You said this is wonderful.

We're kidding each other here,
(starts to
laugh again)
I gotta tell you, this is one of
the best things I've ever heard.
What's the board gonna say again?
"Gamblers, come and get your
money back."
(he laughs)
Great. That's great.

(standing up)
No. No. Wait... Not "Gamblers,
get your money back."
That's wrong. We're not gamblers.
We're the few people in society
that have tried to do something
with our lives. See? We're drop-
outs. We're finding ourselves.
Someone's got to help the few
people like us, because if they
don't, nobody will ever drop out
again. Nobody will ever have
the courage to find themselves.

Well, I understand what you mean,
but I don't think The Desert Inn
can help find you. I'm sorry, but
thank you for the idea and good

He begins to escort David to the door.

(stopping him)
Listen, I've experienced this
before. I've had clients that
didn't understand the idea until
they saw it on television and
then they said, "My God! What a
brilliant idea! Why didn't I
understand this?" I might have
used the wrong phrase. Okay,
picture this: maybe, my wife
and I will do a television
commercial for you and there
could be a jingle and it could
(begins to sing)
"The Desert Inn has heart! The
Desert Inn has heart! The Desert
Inn has heart!" Something like
that. See what I mean?

That's a nice jingle. Mr. Howard,
let's assume you're serious here.
What if this caught on? Could you
imagine what would happen? Why,
we would have to return everybody's
losses. The casino would just
crumble. We couldn't pay our bills.
You know the casino accounts for
a great deal of our profits.

I understand. Of course, you don't
pay back everybody's losses. You
make a distinct division between
the bold, who are out there searching,
and all the other schmucks, who come
here to see Wayne Newton.

I see. Now, I like Wayne Newton.
So, I fall into what category?

(realizing this was
not the best example)
Oh, look, I picked a name out of a
hat. I like Wayne Newton, too.
I'm saying a schmuck, representing
the gambler and a bold person,
representing me and my wife and the
one or two others that probably
wouldn't come here anyway. You
wouldn't have to do this more than
once or twice, there's not too many
bold people around. I think it was
a mistake to use entertainers as
the dividing line. We could find
another system. Anyway, what do
you say? We do need that nest egg

I say good luck to you and stay
away from the tables next time.

Oh, that's for sure, but come on?
Half the money, for courage?

Shuster opens up his office door. He escorts David out.


Mr. Howard, nice to meet you.
A pleasure.

Hold it. What about "Miracle
on 34th Street?"

Christmas picture, right?

(now rambling on very
fast, desperate, rea-
lizing his plan is
about to fail)
More than a Christmas picture. What
happened there? Macy's didn't want
to send their customers to Gimble's
because the president of Macy's
thought they would lose all of their
customers and lose a tremendous
amount of money and it would be taken
wrong. But it wasn't taken wrong.
What happened? Macy's did much better
than they ever did before. And that's
what would happen to you. The Desert
Inn would do much, much better because
you would get Gimble's business and
the casino would be full.

Well, I'm not too familiar with
that picture but didn't Macy's have
Santa Claus to help them out?
(he starts to laugh)
I mean, if they didn't have Santy
Claus there, they might have done
very badly.

He continues to laugh. David now starts to laugh along
with him, except David's laugh has a pitiful ring to it.
He senses this is not going to work.

Yes. I guess they did have Santy
Claus. Well, thank you. Thank you.
And just so I understand, we can t
get any of our money back, right?

Well, not today, no. But if the
policy ever changes, we'll write
(still chuckling as
he goes back into
his office)
That's wonderful. Very good.

He closes the door. The desk Clerk, who has just seen
Shuster laugh, turns to David, who is standing there
looking as bad as he's ever looked.

I think he likes you. He rarely
laughs at anything.

David just nods a sickly "thank you."


Everything Matters - 9/25/08 - Morning Edition

Last night Bush spoke about the economic crisis, or as it’s known at his house – Other People’s Money.

In his speech, Bush let us in on how he really felt. And I quote, “It is difficult to pass a bill that commits so much of the taxpayers’ hard-earned money… But given the situation we are facing, not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later.” These Americans. He’s not including himself. Or anyone like himself. Republicans. Rich, white Republicans. Be very clear - these Americans are taxpayers who earn their hard-earned money through hard work. These Americans are the vast majority of the American people.
To paraphrase Walt Kelly’s Pogo: I have met these Americans and they are us.

So McCain rides into Washington on a white horse and saves the American economy. Not likely. First off, his white horse is busy lobbying for Freddie Mac or Georgia. Don’t forget, this is the man who has said he knows very little about how economics works and last Monday when the stock market fell 511 points he said the fundamentals of the economy are strong. He wants to save the economy – here’s a start –
How ‘bout he donates half his wife’s hundred million dollar fortune and 8 of his twelve houses to be used by foreclosed families. And the 5 grand he pays a Hollywood make-up artist to cover up whatever that is going on on his face. And the 500 dollar loafers he wears. And gets rid of every lobbyist on his campaign staff. Yeah, do all that for a start and then we can talk.

Look, it’s so clear that McCain suspended his campaign, whatever that means, so he wouldn’t have to debate this Friday and he wouldn’t have to debate on the economy, which is the real issue.
Never forget he voted for tax cuts for the wealthy in time of war and voted with George Bush over 90% of the time. McCain is still a P.O.W. – Prisoner of W (Bush 43)

And it’s even clearer that McCain suspended his campaign, whatever that means, so he could cancel the Palin debate as well. New Horror film based on Palin’s candidacy and reluctance to speak to the press – The Silence of the Moose.

Palin did tell Katie Couric that she would “get some examples of McCain’s economic leadership and bring them to her.” Well, the bad news is she won’t find any examples and the good news is at least it proves that one member of the Republican ticket knows how to use Google.

So Bush wants the American people to buy 700 billion dollars worth of investments that are so bad that no one can put a value on them. I’d offer to sell you a bridge but the American infrastructure is so bad that the bridge probably fell a long time ago.

How ‘bout we stop building the wall across the US-Mexican border and put it where it belongs – on Wall Street. We wall up Wall Street. With all the brokers and investment bankers inside. And if any of them have any ideas how to fix this mess they profited from and helped create, we send in Snake Plissken to bring them out. Oh, and if that doesn’t work because Snake Plissken doesn’t exist, enjoy the view, boys.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/24/08 - Late Morning Edition

Everything Matters – 9/24/08 – Morning Edition

Yesterday, in order to bolster her foreign policy experience, Sarah Palin met with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia and ex-Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Video showed her smiling and nodding, nodding and smiling, as she met with 2 minor world leaders and a war criminal. Just what we need in a Vice-President; a reactionary fundamentalist bobblehead doll.

Republicans don’t need to vote for her; they can get one free at opening day of the next baseball season.

I could just see her with the President of Columbia. “So you’ve got lots of cocaine and up in Wasilla where I was basically the President, we had crystal meth coming out of our ears. Perhaps we can set up some trade agreements? We live in perpetual winter, how ‘bout a Snow-for-Blow kind of deal?”

Prior to meeting yesterday with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia, Palin’s foreign policy experience consisted of arguing with a waiter at a Korean BBQ restaurant.

Dick Cheney has me confused. Yesterday he told the Congress that if they pass the 700 billion dollar bail-out proposal, Wall Street will greet us as liberators.

He also said of the government takeover of AIG, a private insurance company, “It’s not socialism if a Republican does it.”

Cheney also explained the government takeover of AIG in Godfather terms. “It’s not personal. It’s business.” If only Cheney were Tessio. Then his “undisclosed location” would be the same as Jimmy Hoffa’s.

So the Bush-Cheney administration has taken us into perpetual war, overseen the near-collapse of the American financial system, and trampled on the Constitution. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being worst, they’re a 700 billion!!! Dante couldn’t create a hell deep enough for these guys. Hell isn’t deep enough for these guys.

So Rick Davis, the cross-eyed always angry manager of the McCain campaign was on the payroll of mortgage giant Freddie Mac through August of this year, EVEN THOUGH the McCain campaign said he’s had no ties with Freddie for years. Fifteen thousand dollars a month worth of “no ties” to his company. Trying to make things appear somewhat better, the McCain campaign said that Davis really didn’t do anything for the money. Or, as we called it in the Bronx, “fucking stealing!”

Call me old-fashioned but I’d prefer if my political scandals were more, well, old-fashioned. To start with, I want Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to be actual, flesh-and-blood prostitutes!!! I want my politicians paying Fannie and Freddie, not the other way around.

In other big news, President Bush spoke at the UN and basically said, “Remember when we started some pre-emptive wars and said we didn’t need you? Well, sometimes my gut acts a bit too hasty…” The other 191 members of the UN responded by getting up and going out for Chinese food.

Warren Buffet invested 5 billion dollars in Goldman Sachs saying he’s confident that Congress will approve a bailout. In news closer to home, I bought a loaf of bread at the local convenience store and dipped into the free penny holder for the last 7 cents. Then when the clerk’s back was turned I took the rest of the pennies.

I hate that Treasury Secretary Paulson and Ben Bernanke, the Chariman of the Federal Reserve go to Congress and say, “If you don’t do this, give us 700 billion, you risk causing a recession, increasing joblessness and pushing more homes into foreclosure.”
Fuck that. How about Congress grows a pair and says, “We’re in a recession, unemployment’s already up, up and away and there are already tens of thousands of homes in foreclosure. Explain how that happened ON YOUR WATCH, explain your plans FOR NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN, and THEN WE’LL FUCKING TALK!!! Better yet, how ‘bout you live over a subway grate and eat out of dumpsters!!!

In Europe they used to have a two-fold solution to an economic crisis like this –
lamp posts and piano wire.

83 percent of Americans say the country is on the wrong track. And the engineer is busy texting teenagers.

With all the distressing financial news you may have missed this beaut of a new story – the EPA won’t limit toxic rocket fuel in our drinking water. Let me say it again – the EPA, that’s the ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, will do nothing to limit TOXIC ROCKET FUEL IN OUR DRINKING WATER. Well, folks, welcome to the United States of Jonestown. Our motto – E Pluribus Kool-Aid. Why do I keep hearing Bowie saying, “This ain’t rock and roll. This is genocide!”

In response to a New York Times article about McCain campaign manager Rick Davis on the payroll of Freddie Mac years after McCain said he’d left, McCain spokesman Algonquin J. Calhoun today said, “Not only do we deny the allegations but we detest the alligator!” Of course, Algonquin J. Calhoun doesn’t exist. He was the incredibly verbose lawyer on the Amos and Andy Show, to this day, the African-Americans that McCain feels the closest to. Ssshhhh. Don’t tell him they were played by white guys on the radio.

These are the experts, folks. Today at Congress, Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernanke said, “The financial crisis is rippling through the economy.” Yeah, rippling through. LIKE A FUCKING TSUNAMI!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/22/08 - Afternoon Edition

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. And that’s the Snapple fact of the day.

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. He had been ill for some time and was using an unorthodox method to deal with his illness. Rather than modern medicine, Mr. Golden was relying on Snapple’s Kiwi Teawi to cure his Cancer Shmancer.

Humoud Yakobi, the Chairman of Iraq’s Board of Tourism… that’s it, that’s the joke – Iraq has a Board of Tourism. Mr. Yakobi envisions a “six-star resort” and spa where one can cleanse their bodies, their spirits, and their neighborhoods of various ethnicities.

The United Nations announced that they are trying to end global poverty by the year 2015. And in news on this planet...

Henry Steinway, the chairman of Steinway and Sons, the famous piano makers, passed away this week at the age of 93. Services will be conducted in English, German, A minor and B major. Interment will be in a giant box that will be dropped at least 6 times on its way to the gravesite by the pallbearers, one short, fat man in a derby and one tall, thin man, also wearing a derby.

The McCain campaign had a conference call today to demand that reporters stop calling them liars. The conference call didn’t go smoothly as it began with the words, “We were going to call yesterday but we lost your numbers.”

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. Too late. As President of the Senate, Cheney had already ordered his Vice-Presidential records destroyed.

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. This might be hard. All of Cheney’s records are branded into the burning flesh of 12 year old Georgetown native Regan MacNeil with each page beginning “Help Me”.

There are currently 3 proposals circulating around Washington to deal with the 700 billion dollar Wall Street bailout – one with no oversight, one with limited oversight, and one that puts 350 billion on red.

Everything Matters - 9/22/08 - Early Morning Edition

The US Treasury's bailout of Wall Street was expected to cost 500 billion. They that was bumped to 700 billion. Now the number is up to 1.8 trillion. 500 billion. 700 billion. 1.8 trillion! Those aren't numbers; those are light-years!

Last night, the New York Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles played the last baseball game at Yankee Stadium. Upending tradition and taking a tip from Yogi Berra, the National Anthem was sung at the end of the game by Maria Serrano, a 385 pound resident of the Bronx.

The President of South Africa, Thabo Mbeki, has agreed to resign after his own party asked him to quit. In Washington, that cease-and-desist order I faxed to the White House seven years ago just isn't cutting it.

The first Presidential debate is this Friday and the Obama and McCain campaigns have agreed to an unusual, free-flowing format.
Taking advantage of this free flow, John McCain, trying to show off his rhyming skills and attract young voters, has spent the last few days trying to rhyme "surge" and "courage".

McCain's appeal to the young, urban voter won't work, considering he thinks "street cred" is the stuff on the soles of your Converse.

Trying to turn his negatives into positives and attract young voters, McCain's campaign admitted that their candidate does indeed have thirteen cars. Their press release on this subject stated that McCain has 4 more cars than Ludicrous and his blinged-out Crown Victoria beat Nas's solid platinum 700 series BMW in a recent episode of Pimp My Ride.

Yes, McCain even makes his cars into a patriotic plus when he says, "Yes, I do have 13 cars. One for each of the original 13 colonies." He then added that he is "still against that tax on Stamps" that King George is trying to make us pay.

The Palin-Biden Vice-Presidential debates will be much more structured, with few if any unfettered exchanges. As of now Sarah Palin will only take questions on how many children she has, her favorite color, and her favorite song from the movie Grease.

As her poll numbers have gone down and America sees that she has little, if any substance. the Republican Vice-Presidential candidates' name has now become Sarah Pal-in-significance.

The Bush Administration has balls. The proposal to Congress that the US Treasury bail out Wall Street and buy up to 700 billion dollars in mortgage-related assets came in at a whopping 3 pages. 3 pages! My iPhone bill last month was 37 pages. True, it was close to 700 billion, but that was with texting.

I love that after Bush announces we need 700 billion to rescue Wall Street and the American economy he meets with Alvaro Uribe, the President of Columbia. Let's see, to put 700 billion dollars in Columbian terms, imagine if the entire state of Virginia was made of cocaine.

Bush is shameless. He called the agreement he signed with the Columbian President the "Arms for Blow" deal. Here's the deal - we give Columbia advanced weapons systems and we get thousands of metric tons of "not baby powder".

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/18/08

everything matters

economics and finance wrap-up :

Monday, lehman brothers, a 158 year old major wall street player, collapses. Merrill lynch was sold to b of a.
Tuesday, the federal reserve provides 85 billion to keep insurance giant AIG (American international group) out of bankruptcy.
Wednesday, Washington mutual puts itself up for sale, and morgan Stanley and Wachovia start merger talks.

And today, Thursday, in light of all that is happening to the American and global economy, john mccain scaled down his previous line that said anyone who makes under 5 million a year is middle class. Now it’s anyone who makes under 5 hundred.

Galileo may have to come back from the dead to disprove this but Wall street firms seem to be falling faster than the stockbrokers jumping out of buildings.

In a press conference yesterday John McCain, unable to answer any question coherently, seemed to reject US ally Spain as a US ally and would not commit as to whether or not he’d invite the Spanish President to the White House. He then smiled his garish, forced smile and said that “none of this Spanish stuff changes the fact that beisbol has been beri beri good to me”.

International news – in South Korea the law allows only the visually impaired to become professional masseurs. And baseball umpires. While those with mental impairments are forced to enter politics.

In baseball, Ichiro Suzuki has over 200 hits for the 8th straight year, beating a 100+ year old record set by Wee Willie Keeler. Wee Willie, the former owner of the record and the lifetime owner of world’s most unfortunate anatomical nickname, was of course played by child star Shirley Temple for most of his career. Who can forget Wee Willie at the Big Top, Wee Willie’s Christmas, and Wee Willie meets Senator Larry Craig in a Minneapolis Men’s Room?

Motown songwriting and producing legend Norman Whitfield passed away at 68. Foul play was not suspected although 4 men in matching powder blue tuxedos were observed leaving the scene.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/17/08

Carly Fiorina, the executive who ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground AND a McCain economic advisor, said yesterday that neither McCain nor Sarah Palin could run a Fortune 500 company. Based on the disappearing stock market with companies disappearing or being bailed out by the Bush administration, pretty soon the question will be, "Could they run a Fortune 200 company? Fortune 50?, Fortune 17?"

Let's see: McCain's 3 top economic advisors are Phil Gramm, the man most responsible for deregulation and thus the financial crisis we are in now; Carly Fiorina, the CEO who almost destroyed Hewlett-Packard; and John Thuin, the CEO of Merrill Lynch who was in charge when after 80+ yeaars Merrill went belly-up and had to sell itself. Consider the odds of having 7 dwarves and three of them are Dopey!!!

Phil Gramm is also the guy who when watching the middle class disappear and Wall Street implode referred to Americans worried about the economy as "a nation of whiners". Today the nation of whiners will be demonstrating outside of Phil Gramm's house and they now wish to be known as "A nation of whiners now armed with baseball bats."

John McCain has repeatedly said that "the fundamentals of the economy are strong". He said it the day Wall Street sufferedd its biggest one day loss since 9/11. In typical McCain fashion he has now retracted that statement and clarified it, saying he only meant "to put the fun back in fun-damentals."

Wall Street insurance giant AIG was bailed out by the federal government and now we, the US taxpayers, own about 80% of AIG. Wall Street is New Orleans without Katrina. Wall Street is Galveston, Texas without Ike. Basically the government bail-out program is like the movie Gremlins - as long as you or your city don't get wet, the Bush Administration will take care of you. Remember, don't get wet!!! Bad things happen when you get wet. Like the government forgets about you!!! (And of course, New Orleans also ate after midnight.)

Artist Damien Hirst had an art sale at the same time as the US and now global financial crisis and sold pieces of his work for over 200 million dollars. 200 million dollars!!! Most famous for putting an entire shark in formaldehyde, Hirst, no financial idiot, said in order to keep his profits from the sale safe he was not going to put them in a bank or any sort of financial instrument. He is simply going to put them inside a shark. Inside an even bigger shark.

In health news, the Amgen Corporation announced good results from a bone drug that strengthens bone density and keeps the spine stronger longer. Sadly the drug was not available for the Democratic Congress of 2006.

It's no secret that John McSame has co-opted Obama's mantra of change and now calls himself the candidate of change. When it comes to his 100 million dollar fortune, his 12 homes and his history as one of Washington's greatest de-regulators, the change McCain believes in for the rest of us is simply the change we have in our pockets!

McCain's losing it. Today he said that "with change you can use pay phones." He then added, "With change you can also use vending machines." And my favorite, "With great change comes great responsibility." When he was told that now he was simply paraphrasing Spiderman, McCain put on his serious face and said "For 5 and a half years I couldn't read Spiderman."

Interesting that the more Americans are being held hostage by the economy, the less John McCain mentions that he was a P.O.W.

It's the opposite for forgotten fascist Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday he blamed the Wall Street free-fall on 9/11. He also blamed 9/11 for Pearl Harbor, the sinking of the Maine, and the break-up of Chris Kattan's marriage.

And to quote Rudy, or Il Rudy as he prefers, "If Chris Kattan, who we know and love as Mango on Saturday Night Live, and his wife of six weeks don't get back together, the terrorists win!"

John McCain, trying to win the votes of at least ten black Americans, is now appearing in ads in the "community" as M C Cain, also know as Big Daddy M C Cain. The real Big Daddy Kane meanwhile was planning to start up a renewal of the famous East Coast-Arizona hip-hop feud.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/16/08

A McCain advisor said today that McCain deserves credit for helping invent the BlackBerry. When asked to clarify this, considering McCain is first learning how to sign on to the internet, the advisor said, “Oh, not the pda BlackBerry. The actual blackberry. McCain is old. He was there in the Garden of Eden when God made the fruits of the Earth and McCain remembers mentioning about something darker than a blueberry. God listens to John McCain is the lesson we should take from this.

There’s a big relief and rescue operation going on in Texas for the victims of Hurricane Gustav. Texans rally around the slogan “Remember the Alamo”. Not the best slogan for a rescue operation. All the people at the Alamo died.

Except Davy Crockett. Historians now believe that Crockett survived the Alamo and tried to escape in women’s clothing, only to be discovered and executed. Davy Crockett in a dress. That would make him (to the tune of the theme song) “Davy, Davy Crockett, King and Queen of the Wild Frontier.”

A brief history lesson: So the stock market crashes in 1929 and Herbert Hoover’s a Republican President and there had been Republicans in office for 8 years prior to him (Harding and Coolidge) and the country was smart enough to blame Republican policies and elect a Democrat in 1932. Perhaps you’ve heard of him – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Gave us Social Security and Unemployment Insurance and lead us in the great crusade to defeat fascism. Hmmm. So here we are, 2008. Stock Market falling apart. Republican President, has been for 8 years. His economic policies brought us here, along with the deregulatory policies of his party since Reagan in 1980. And they want to destroy social security and put more people on unemployment. AND YOU’RE STILL UNDECIDED AS TO WHO TO VOTE FOR!!!

The people in Texas who were in the path of Hurricane Gustav were just told that it might be weeks before they get electricity and emergency food and water. And this is the government’s response in the President’s home state to people who tend to vote Republican!!! As my grandmother would’ve said, “WTF?!”

Good news from Germany. Two months after being beheaded, the newly repaired wax Hitler is back on display at Madame Tussaud’s in Berlin. Of course to make room for Der Wax Fuehrer all the wax Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals had to be moved.

And we’re not saying what Madame Tussaud’s did with the wax Jews, Gypsies and Homosexuals but where they once all were a single candle now stands.

The wax Hitler is seated at a desk in his bunker. He even has a bit of a smile; perhaps because the wax Eva Braun is also in the bunker, under the desk.