Everything Matters - 9/27-9/28/08 - Late Night Edition

After last night’s performance at the first Presidential debate, John McCain is taking a lot of heat for not ever looking directly at Barack Obama. Give him a break. After years of opposition to regulatory oversight, McCain is not used to looking at anything too closely.

During the debate McCain made a big show of using the word “festooned.” Trying to win the votes of the vast number of undecided archaic word freaks, McCain then accused Obama of “ruthlessly pricking his gonfalon bubble”.

Last night at the debate John McCain never used the words “middle class” or the words “working people”. Not only didn’t he say them, he’s never met them either.

So at the debate last night John McCain didn’t use the words “middle class” or “working people” but he did use the word “festooned”. Great. The Republicans are running a man from the early 20th century using a word from the 19th century to try
to lead us into the 21st century.

At the debate McCain quoted Winston Churchill but didn’t give him credit; he made up a story about Dwight D. Eisenhower; and he mentioned something about Alexander the Great. To put aside any fears that he was out of touch and out of date, at the end of the debate McCain did sing the theme song from The Jeffersons while doing the Mashed Potato.

The first Presidential debate was held last night at the University of Mississippi, commonly called Ole Miss, which is also John McCain’s nickname for his first wife.

Just for the sake of nostalgia, last night at the first Presidential debate, the University of Mississippi had two doors to the stage – one door said Barack Obama and the other said White People.

The University of Mississippi just can’t seem to get its head around the way we live today. The official program for the Presidential debate last night at Ole Miss called it The Presidential Debate and Minstrel Show. And the pre-debate warm-up was Michelle and Barack Obama performing as the Tap-Dancing Ethiops.

Did anyone notice that John McCain’s eyes were so fully dilated last night at the debate that they looked like little black buttons instead of eyes? Eye doctors say this may be a sign of a permanent state of arousal. Great, McCain won’t release his medical records because he doesn’t want us to know he’s got an IV drip of Viagra going 24/7.

Or his eyes really are little black buttons and John McCain is really a snowman.

Terrible news out of China. As of yesterday, 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. And an hour after this report, 53,000 children were again sickened by drinking tainted milk.

The Chinese government is trying to put a good face on the fact that 53,000 children have been sickened by drinking tainted milk. The government announced today that none of the children has gotten sick by drinking milk at a school built before the recent earthquake.

When John McCain was told that Somali pirates had seized a Ukrainian freighter off the coast of Kenya his first reaction was to say, “Let’s see how this plays out. We may need those pirates to defeat the Spanish Armada.”

Let’s see, Somali pirates have seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. No, this is not level 3 of some video game. Somali pirates have really seized a Ukrainian ship headed to Kenya with 30 million dollars worth of grenade launchers, ammunition and battle tanks. They are, however, demanding 30 million dollars and the codes to get to level 7.

Every article about the Jonas Brothers talks about their vow of chastity until marriage and the fact that they all wear “promise rings” to show this to their fans. What isn’t said is how many millions of young fans are wearing similar rings that symbolize the fact that they promise they will never, ever have sex with any of the Jonas Brothers.