Monday, September 29, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/29/08 - Late Night Edition pt. 2 - Predictions

I predict that Thursday's Vice-Presidential debate will not happen because Sarah Palin will not be there. The reasons for her non-appearance -
Bristol's water will break and the concerned mother and grandmother will rush to her side;
a moose will die outside the debate hall and need to be field dressed and butchered for freezing;
she's just too fucking dumb and she believes McCain when he says he'll Google-Map the directions for her and he's never used Google;
to show her support for Israel she's still celebrating Rosh Hashanah (even though the all-important first two nights are over);
she will be back in Alaska watching for the giant head of Vladimir Putin read his head over the Bering Straits;
she will be arrested for attempting to kill Katie Couric... and Tina Fey... and every other woman in America who is smarter than her.

I predict that John McCain will invade both Iran and Pakistan on January 21st, 2009. Whether he is President or not!

I predict that Sarah Palin, in an appeal to the evangelical base, will announce that her daughter Bristol and her baby-daddy Levi Johnston, will name their baby if it is a boy, Matthew Mark Luke and John-ston. And if it is a girl they will name the baby My Mom Made Me Have This Johnston.

I predict that oil billionaire T. Boone Pickens will pull a Montgomery Burns and rather than blot out the sun so we can't go solar will simply buy the wind.

And I predict that Todd Palin will never, ever, ever get another blow job.

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