Everything Matters - 9/22/08 - Afternoon Edition

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. And that’s the Snapple fact of the day.

Hyman Golden, the 85 year old co-founder of the Snapple Beverage Company died yesterday. He had been ill for some time and was using an unorthodox method to deal with his illness. Rather than modern medicine, Mr. Golden was relying on Snapple’s Kiwi Teawi to cure his Cancer Shmancer.

Humoud Yakobi, the Chairman of Iraq’s Board of Tourism… that’s it, that’s the joke – Iraq has a Board of Tourism. Mr. Yakobi envisions a “six-star resort” and spa where one can cleanse their bodies, their spirits, and their neighborhoods of various ethnicities.

The United Nations announced that they are trying to end global poverty by the year 2015. And in news on this planet...

Henry Steinway, the chairman of Steinway and Sons, the famous piano makers, passed away this week at the age of 93. Services will be conducted in English, German, A minor and B major. Interment will be in a giant box that will be dropped at least 6 times on its way to the gravesite by the pallbearers, one short, fat man in a derby and one tall, thin man, also wearing a derby.

The McCain campaign had a conference call today to demand that reporters stop calling them liars. The conference call didn’t go smoothly as it began with the words, “We were going to call yesterday but we lost your numbers.”

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. Too late. As President of the Senate, Cheney had already ordered his Vice-Presidential records destroyed.

A federal judge on Saturday ordered Dick Cheney to preserve his records from his time as Vice-President. This might be hard. All of Cheney’s records are branded into the burning flesh of 12 year old Georgetown native Regan MacNeil with each page beginning “Help Me”.

There are currently 3 proposals circulating around Washington to deal with the 700 billion dollar Wall Street bailout – one with no oversight, one with limited oversight, and one that puts 350 billion on red.