Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/24/08 - Late Morning Edition

Everything Matters – 9/24/08 – Morning Edition

Yesterday, in order to bolster her foreign policy experience, Sarah Palin met with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia and ex-Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Video showed her smiling and nodding, nodding and smiling, as she met with 2 minor world leaders and a war criminal. Just what we need in a Vice-President; a reactionary fundamentalist bobblehead doll.

Republicans don’t need to vote for her; they can get one free at opening day of the next baseball season.

I could just see her with the President of Columbia. “So you’ve got lots of cocaine and up in Wasilla where I was basically the President, we had crystal meth coming out of our ears. Perhaps we can set up some trade agreements? We live in perpetual winter, how ‘bout a Snow-for-Blow kind of deal?”

Prior to meeting yesterday with the Presidents of Afghanistan and Columbia, Palin’s foreign policy experience consisted of arguing with a waiter at a Korean BBQ restaurant.

Dick Cheney has me confused. Yesterday he told the Congress that if they pass the 700 billion dollar bail-out proposal, Wall Street will greet us as liberators.

He also said of the government takeover of AIG, a private insurance company, “It’s not socialism if a Republican does it.”

Cheney also explained the government takeover of AIG in Godfather terms. “It’s not personal. It’s business.” If only Cheney were Tessio. Then his “undisclosed location” would be the same as Jimmy Hoffa’s.

So the Bush-Cheney administration has taken us into perpetual war, overseen the near-collapse of the American financial system, and trampled on the Constitution. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being worst, they’re a 700 billion!!! Dante couldn’t create a hell deep enough for these guys. Hell isn’t deep enough for these guys.

So Rick Davis, the cross-eyed always angry manager of the McCain campaign was on the payroll of mortgage giant Freddie Mac through August of this year, EVEN THOUGH the McCain campaign said he’s had no ties with Freddie for years. Fifteen thousand dollars a month worth of “no ties” to his company. Trying to make things appear somewhat better, the McCain campaign said that Davis really didn’t do anything for the money. Or, as we called it in the Bronx, “fucking stealing!”

Call me old-fashioned but I’d prefer if my political scandals were more, well, old-fashioned. To start with, I want Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to be actual, flesh-and-blood prostitutes!!! I want my politicians paying Fannie and Freddie, not the other way around.

In other big news, President Bush spoke at the UN and basically said, “Remember when we started some pre-emptive wars and said we didn’t need you? Well, sometimes my gut acts a bit too hasty…” The other 191 members of the UN responded by getting up and going out for Chinese food.

Warren Buffet invested 5 billion dollars in Goldman Sachs saying he’s confident that Congress will approve a bailout. In news closer to home, I bought a loaf of bread at the local convenience store and dipped into the free penny holder for the last 7 cents. Then when the clerk’s back was turned I took the rest of the pennies.

I hate that Treasury Secretary Paulson and Ben Bernanke, the Chariman of the Federal Reserve go to Congress and say, “If you don’t do this, give us 700 billion, you risk causing a recession, increasing joblessness and pushing more homes into foreclosure.”
Fuck that. How about Congress grows a pair and says, “We’re in a recession, unemployment’s already up, up and away and there are already tens of thousands of homes in foreclosure. Explain how that happened ON YOUR WATCH, explain your plans FOR NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN, and THEN WE’LL FUCKING TALK!!! Better yet, how ‘bout you live over a subway grate and eat out of dumpsters!!!

In Europe they used to have a two-fold solution to an economic crisis like this –
lamp posts and piano wire.

83 percent of Americans say the country is on the wrong track. And the engineer is busy texting teenagers.

With all the distressing financial news you may have missed this beaut of a new story – the EPA won’t limit toxic rocket fuel in our drinking water. Let me say it again – the EPA, that’s the ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, will do nothing to limit TOXIC ROCKET FUEL IN OUR DRINKING WATER. Well, folks, welcome to the United States of Jonestown. Our motto – E Pluribus Kool-Aid. Why do I keep hearing Bowie saying, “This ain’t rock and roll. This is genocide!”

In response to a New York Times article about McCain campaign manager Rick Davis on the payroll of Freddie Mac years after McCain said he’d left, McCain spokesman Algonquin J. Calhoun today said, “Not only do we deny the allegations but we detest the alligator!” Of course, Algonquin J. Calhoun doesn’t exist. He was the incredibly verbose lawyer on the Amos and Andy Show, to this day, the African-Americans that McCain feels the closest to. Ssshhhh. Don’t tell him they were played by white guys on the radio.

These are the experts, folks. Today at Congress, Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernanke said, “The financial crisis is rippling through the economy.” Yeah, rippling through. LIKE A FUCKING TSUNAMI!!!

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