Monday, September 15, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/15/08

Everything Matters 9/15/08

It is fitting that John McSame is in favor of drilling for fossil fuels. He knew most of those fossils when they were alive.

At a faith-based conference for evangelical Republicans last week, a top seller at the vendor booths was a package of Obama Waffles, a waffle mix that on the box had a picture of Obama with exaggeratedly large lips and darker skin and the boxtop portrayed him as a Muslim. When confronted with their obvious racism the makers of Obama Waffles fell back on the “it’s only a joke” defense basing this on the theory that tragedy + time + racism = comedy.

Other examples they cited to bolster the tragedy + time + racism = comedy equation were the genocidal extermination of Native Americans, lynchings, and the inexplicable success of Larry the Cable Guy.

When that explanation didn’t work they said that they had tested the package on their focus group and it had passed with flying colors. The focus group consisted of the creators of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, the Cream of Wheat Chef and the ghost of George Wallace.

The latest O.J. Simpson trial has started in Ls Vegas where he’s accused of armed robbery, kidnapping and a host of other serious charges. Mr, Simpson’s defense is that he was simply retrieving items that belonged to him. Much like in his celebrated double murder trial when his defense claimed that he was simply retrieving his knives from the bodies of the victims. Over and over again.

The New York Times headline reads Financial Crisis Reshapes Wall Street’s Landscape. Yeah, like Vesuvius reshaped Pompei or Katrina reshaped New Orleans.

Even with Wall Street in meltdown mode and Lehman Brothers disappearing and Merrill Lynch selling itself to the Bank of America, John McCain said this morning that “the fundamentals of the economy are strong”. Maybe at his house. Or houses.

When asked to define one such fundamental, Mr. McCain demonstrated by folding some dollar bills and claiming that they had just doubled in value.

To show even further how out of touch with reality he truly is, McCain then said we shouldn’t just be drilling offshore; we should be drilling on the banks of all of our major rivers like the Mississippi, the Missouri and the Colorado. “C’mon, they’re banks”, he said. “They may not have oil but might have money.”

My favorite McCain campaign lie for today – Obama raised 66 million in August, a number which proves that he is two-thirds of the way towards becoming the anti-Christ.

When presented with the insanity of this claim, a McCain spokesman said that it is incumbent upon the Obama campaign to provide proof that he is not the spawn of Satan and to explain why Mr. Obama has The Omen trilogy in his Netflix queue.

The past few weeks the papers have been filled with Gustav and Ike, Ike and Gustav. How many people thought they were having a nightmare where we were back in World War II and Germany was invading the Gulf of Mexico? Nobody. Really? Then explain why John McCain cut short an appearance this morning to get on his campaign plane, telling the press that he had an urgent message he had to deliver personally to Adolf.

Karl Rove, on no one’s list of the 5 people you meet in heaven, said that John McCain’s lies about his opponent, Barack Obama, during the presidential campaign have gone too far. Karl Rove said that. In a related story, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, was seen at a local sporting goods store buying ice skates.

If you think that spreading democracy is easy be reminded that over the weekend a top European diplomat said that Afghanistan was in its worst shape since 2001.
That’s B.C.

In India, which most Americans know as the place that answers the calls you make to Microsoft, another futuristic technology story. They used brain scans that purportedly show activity in the memory centers to convict a woman of murder, claiming the scan showed she had “experiential knowledge” of the crime. The jury said that that brain scan wasn’t the only reason they voted to convict. They said they were also swayed by the other brain scans that showed the defendant also had “experiential knowledge” of seasons 4 and 5 of Two and a Half Men, the music of Air Supply, and “something sexual involving Donald Rumsfeld.”

Pope Benedict was in Lourdes this weekend in France, the city where a 14 year old peasant girl was said to have visions of the Virgin Mary back in 1858. In front of a crowd of 50,000 worshippers the Pope said ‘the power of love is stronger than the evil that threatens us.” The Pope then got into his bullet and bomb-proof Pope-mobile and sped through the threatening crowd of 50,000 loving worshippers.

Since he was in France, the Pope claimed to have seen the image of Jesus in the crust of a baguette, the burnt cheese on the top of a bowl of French onion soup, and the end credits of The Disorderly Orderly, his Eminence’s favorite Jerry Lewis movie.

It seems that over 200 zoos and aquariums around the world have joined a computerized matchmaking service for their animals and fish. With lions being the kings of the jungle and male lions able to copulate 20 to 40 times a day during mating season, the service is being called MatchMatchMatchMatchMatchMatch dot com.

It has been revealed that when Sarah Palin was mayor of Wassila she tried to ban the book Daddy’s Roommate, a story about a homosexual couple, from the local library. When that didn’t work she tried to interest the publisher in some other titles –
Daddy’s Roommate Joins a Mega-church and Gives Up the Gay, Daddy’s Roommate and the Eternal Fires of Damnation, and Daddy’s Roommate and 9/11: the untold connection.

According to a book coming out tomorrow (9/16/08) Vice President Cheney wanted nothing to do with the federal response to Hurricane Katrina. A few other things that Cheney wanted nothing to do with – love, compassion, empathy, sympathy and basic human decency.

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