Thursday, September 25, 2008

Everything Matters - 9/25/08 Afternoon Edition

So there’s now footage all over the news of Sarah Palin at her church accepting the blessing of Pastor Thomas Muthee who asks Jesus to fund her political campaigns.
Then he throws in that she be protected from witchcraft. And what the hell, for good measure he kind of casually tosses in that Jews (he calls them “Israelites”) control the economy and that’s what’s causing all the corruption. Nice to know the woman running for VP in the 21st century is living in the 13th.

This all goes to prove that belief in witchcraft is the gateway drug to anti-Semitism.

This Pastor wanted Jesus to fund Palin’s political campaigns. Makes sense.
After Jesus chased the moneylenders from the temple, with the money he
confiscated Jesus started a Political Action Committee.

And if Palin were to raise millions of dollars with no records of who or where it’s
from she and the Republicans can now claim it came from Jesus. What can the Democrats do? Gonna take a lot of guts to swiftboat Jesus!

With Jesus now running the fundraising part of the Palin campaign we won’t be seeing a record of the following donation – Iscariot, Judas, 30 pieces of silver.

Ironically enough, once it became public knowledge that she is then only one of four major candidates protected from witchcraft, Palin announced that she will not be debating Joe Biden but she will be debating Harry Potter.

Last week the rumor that one of the players was using witchcraft at a soccer game in the Congo sparked a riot that killed about 30 people. I’m sure we all laughed and said, “Those funny Congolese, believing in witchcraft.” Now we hear that Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for Vice-President was blessed by a pastor to be protected from witchcraft. What are American women going to say? “She’s got 5 kids, she’s a hockey mom, and she’s protected from witchcraft. She’s just like us.”

It’s amazing. Wall Street is Albert Brooks in Lost In America asking Garry Marshall as the boss of the Desert Inn for his money back. Only now we have Bush and Paulson and Bernanke playing the part of the Vegas casino boss and this time they say they’re going to give the money back.

The Asking for the Money Back from a Vegas Casino Scene from LOST IN AMERICA


David walks very slowly towards Shuster's office. You
can tell he's thinking. He approaches the front desk
and clears his throat, trying to act dignified. The robe
diminishes this a bit.

(to the Clerk)
Mr. Shuster, the Pit Boss, may I
speak to him, please?

I don't know if he's in. Just a

The Clerk picks up the phone. He buzzes.

Yes. There's a gentleman here
to see you.
(to David)
What is your name?

I'm David Howard. He knows me,
we spoke on the telephone. My
wife was the one who was up for

(into phone)
David Howard. Yes. Yes.
(hangs up phone)
He'll be right out.

David stands there. He's thinking, staring straight
ahead. Out of an office emerges JACK SHUSTER, the Pit
Boss, the man we saw earlier. Shuster's a large man,
in his early fifties. He's as intimidating as his
job calls for. He looks like he might have killed
somebody once, and actually enjoyed it. He walks
over to David.

Mr. Howard? Come on in.



David tries to compose himself even more as he follows
Shuster into his office. David's story is now formed.
He knows what he wants to say. He feels confident.
David enters the office. He sits down in front of
Shuster's desk.

First of all, let me say, I've
heard a great deal about you.

What do you mean? From who?
What did you hear?

Oh, I just meant I've heard
wonderful things from everybody
in general, from the whole hotel.

Well, that's very nice. Thank

No, thank you.

Is your wife feeling better?

Yes, she is.

So, what can I do for you?

I have a very interesting idea.
I think you'll be taken by it.

Shuster stares at him.

I was a key executive with a major
advertising agency - one of the
biggest in the world.

Yes, right. So?

Well, I was the Idea Man there.
So, when I say I have an interesting
idea, I'm not speaking like any slob
that walks in off the street.


(clearing his throat,
about to enter into
The Big Story)
My wife and I, we dropped out of
society. She had a very important
position in a department store and
again, I remind you that I was one
of the highest executives in the
world's largest advertising firm.

Shuster just stares at him.

Anyway, we were going to find
ourselves. Then, we thought, maybe
we're too old, it's too late. We
can't find ourselves, that's only
for kids. And then we thought about
it some more and it hit us. Wait a
minute. Who's to say at what age
you stop being a kid?

You gotta have some age. How else
could a court separate rape from
fun? In this state, it's eighteen,
by the way.

Yes. But my point is we wanted
to find ourselves and we did and
we dropped out, just like they
did in "Easy Rider."

Easy what?

The movie, "Easy Rider." Famous
movie. Important movie.

Didn't see that, I'm sorry.

It's a classic. If it comes on
cable here, see it. Anyway, we
did something that no one has done
for a long time. Maybe no one has
ever done it because in the movie
they were movie stars, so they
didn't really do it, even though
they portrayed people that did it.

I'm getting mixed up here. What
is your point?

Well, we did it for real. We
quit our jobs and we sold everything
that we had. The only thing we own
is our little motor home, which is
parked outside. That's all we've
got and we were going to spend
years roaming around this beautiful
country, but we knew we couldn't
do it unless we had our little
nest egg tucked away in the bank.

I'm going off duty in a few minutes.
Now, your point is what?

I'm getting to it. Why did we
come to Las Vegas? Because it was
a new beginning and I wanted to
remarry my lovely wife. That's
nice, don't you think?

Very nice.

I wanted to get remarried but I
wanted to spend our honeymoon in
the Grand Canyon, places like we
intend to spend the rest of our
lives in, but my wife is very fond
of your hotel and all of the
employees and she said, "Oh, come
on, let's spend our honeymoon here."
And we did and the room was very
lovely and everybody was very nice
to us, but my wife lost the nest

Mr. Howard, stop right here. I
think I know what you're getting at.
I realize you've lost a great deal
here and I want you to know that
your room and your meals are comped.

That's very nice but that's not
exactly what I'm saying. I think
I have a multi-million dollar idea.
Now, you have to be very secretive
about what I'm going to tell you
because the other hotels, if they
heard about it, well, they'll grab
it in a minute.

David leans over Shuster's desk and whispers to make
the idea really sound secretive:

I think, as an experiment, you
give us back the money we lost.

I beg your pardon?

Well, imagine the publicity? I
mean, the Hilton, for example,
they have billboards all over L.A.
where they put the faces of the
winners of those slot machines.
Now, those people win a couple
hundred thousand dollars, but the
hotel is getting millions of
dollars of publicity with those
billboards because people drive
by and say, "Gee, the Hilton looks
like a nice place. Look at those
smiling people." So, what about a
billboard with my wife and I on it
and we would be smiling and there
would be a saying, something like,
"These people dropped out of society,
they couldn't take it any longer,
but they made a mistake. They
lost their nest egg at The Desert
Inn, but The Desert Inn gave it
back." And maybe there could be
some kind of a visual with you
handing us an egg or something.
Now I mean, I'm just formulating
this now, as I'm talking, but you
can imagine, when it's worked
out how effective it could be.

That's wonderful.
(he gets up)
Well, Mr. Howard, nice to meet

What do you mean nice to meet
me? You said this is wonderful.

We're kidding each other here,
(starts to
laugh again)
I gotta tell you, this is one of
the best things I've ever heard.
What's the board gonna say again?
"Gamblers, come and get your
money back."
(he laughs)
Great. That's great.

(standing up)
No. No. Wait... Not "Gamblers,
get your money back."
That's wrong. We're not gamblers.
We're the few people in society
that have tried to do something
with our lives. See? We're drop-
outs. We're finding ourselves.
Someone's got to help the few
people like us, because if they
don't, nobody will ever drop out
again. Nobody will ever have
the courage to find themselves.

Well, I understand what you mean,
but I don't think The Desert Inn
can help find you. I'm sorry, but
thank you for the idea and good

He begins to escort David to the door.

(stopping him)
Listen, I've experienced this
before. I've had clients that
didn't understand the idea until
they saw it on television and
then they said, "My God! What a
brilliant idea! Why didn't I
understand this?" I might have
used the wrong phrase. Okay,
picture this: maybe, my wife
and I will do a television
commercial for you and there
could be a jingle and it could
(begins to sing)
"The Desert Inn has heart! The
Desert Inn has heart! The Desert
Inn has heart!" Something like
that. See what I mean?

That's a nice jingle. Mr. Howard,
let's assume you're serious here.
What if this caught on? Could you
imagine what would happen? Why,
we would have to return everybody's
losses. The casino would just
crumble. We couldn't pay our bills.
You know the casino accounts for
a great deal of our profits.

I understand. Of course, you don't
pay back everybody's losses. You
make a distinct division between
the bold, who are out there searching,
and all the other schmucks, who come
here to see Wayne Newton.

I see. Now, I like Wayne Newton.
So, I fall into what category?

(realizing this was
not the best example)
Oh, look, I picked a name out of a
hat. I like Wayne Newton, too.
I'm saying a schmuck, representing
the gambler and a bold person,
representing me and my wife and the
one or two others that probably
wouldn't come here anyway. You
wouldn't have to do this more than
once or twice, there's not too many
bold people around. I think it was
a mistake to use entertainers as
the dividing line. We could find
another system. Anyway, what do
you say? We do need that nest egg

I say good luck to you and stay
away from the tables next time.

Oh, that's for sure, but come on?
Half the money, for courage?

Shuster opens up his office door. He escorts David out.


Mr. Howard, nice to meet you.
A pleasure.

Hold it. What about "Miracle
on 34th Street?"

Christmas picture, right?

(now rambling on very
fast, desperate, rea-
lizing his plan is
about to fail)
More than a Christmas picture. What
happened there? Macy's didn't want
to send their customers to Gimble's
because the president of Macy's
thought they would lose all of their
customers and lose a tremendous
amount of money and it would be taken
wrong. But it wasn't taken wrong.
What happened? Macy's did much better
than they ever did before. And that's
what would happen to you. The Desert
Inn would do much, much better because
you would get Gimble's business and
the casino would be full.

Well, I'm not too familiar with
that picture but didn't Macy's have
Santa Claus to help them out?
(he starts to laugh)
I mean, if they didn't have Santy
Claus there, they might have done
very badly.

He continues to laugh. David now starts to laugh along
with him, except David's laugh has a pitiful ring to it.
He senses this is not going to work.

Yes. I guess they did have Santy
Claus. Well, thank you. Thank you.
And just so I understand, we can t
get any of our money back, right?

Well, not today, no. But if the
policy ever changes, we'll write
(still chuckling as
he goes back into
his office)
That's wonderful. Very good.

He closes the door. The desk Clerk, who has just seen
Shuster laugh, turns to David, who is standing there
looking as bad as he's ever looked.

I think he likes you. He rarely
laughs at anything.

David just nods a sickly "thank you."


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